Missive From ‘Merica: Death On Denial

Hello there, Dear Reader 😀

*That’s rude… /lights up and smokes… Just ‘cos I let you write a few posts, Clicky, no need to get above yourself…*

Today we have an amazing missive from Cade Fon Apollyon for your reading pleasure – see below – and…

*I was just getting to that…*

… The latest Underdog Anthology has now been published. So you can go buy and read it 😀 Death features in a number of the stories, and as Death comes for us all, it might be a good idea to find out what the bugger has been up to 😉

Enjoy! ❤


No need to start the conversation with “I’m suicidal”.

You’re holding me hostage before we’ve even begun to speak.

Really makes me question your motives.

Makes me think of myself as little more than a dishrag handy for soaking up your spills.

I have to do everything perfect, and keep you satisfied, otherwise, anything that happens is now my fault and you are off the hook.

I’ll talk to you.

How about we just...talk

I mean, if you are talking to me, it’s already blatantly obvious that you are desperate.

Yep, it appears we are on the same page.

Somewhat at least.

^Linus and Lucy / Schroeder-Headz^

Recently, there was a video circulating of a guy committing suicide on a livestream, and yes, I watched it. Yes, it was depressing as fuck. Got me to thinking about my own self, my own life, and my desire to understand the mechanics of what is maybe sometimes happening when some choose to take that final leap of their own volition. Didn’t particularly want to watch the video, but kinda had a need to watch it.

In my own life, I’ve been surrounded by suicides of all kinds, the act has always confused me. Why are they doing this? How do I stop them? How can I help them? How can I not wind up in a similar situation? How am I supposed to react in situations like these? How am I supposed to feel about this?

The usual stuff

And of course, there’s the flip side. Those who go on living and their own conclusions about someone killing themselves. The person was a coward. The person was selfish. The person was crazy. They took the easy way out. The person was an asshole anyway, they did the rest of us a favor and we’re lucky to be rid of them. But some will even call those who commit suicide, brave. Courageous. One who took control of their own destiny.

Sounds to me like a lotta people have this shit all figured out.

^Polska Radio One – Волга (Volga)^

Thing is, if you are suicidal, and you don’t tell me you are suicidal, I’m now on the hook for not being more attentive. Not being more attuned to your needs.

“Did they show any signs of being suicidal or distressed in any way?”

The “after” is gonna bring those types of questions if you go through with it.

Le sigh

Where did I go so wrong in not better catering to your needs?

It’s too late tho now.

    Nothing I can do.

   This is depressing.

No way out.

I can see now maybe a bit now why there is an infectious nature to an act of suicide. An embedded “copycat” type of vibe. A looping type of element. Which…Hey! That reminds me. Have you ever wondered if the spinning nature of bodies has a property of capturing and smoothing out waves? Almost like running a piece of metal through a roller, except more like winding a something onto a spool.

Maybe both

Yes, I’m thinking here about waves and how the spinning nature of planets may act to facilitate the dampening of such waves. Alter their frequency, amplitude and/or maybe their wavelength. And in fact, maybe in some cases, not dampen the waves, but actually increase their power. Boost the signal. Maybe even capture a wave, alter it, then re-transmit the signal. Quite the interesting thought when one adds time and capacitors to these thoughts. A planet or maybe some other celestial body could potentially capture a signal, hold onto it for ages, then re-transmit the signal countless years later. Things get REALLY interesting when one stops to think about the nature of life and maybe why it exists when and where it does. A signal could, potentially, start life on a planet. Maybe such a signal could stop life on a planet.

‘Let there be light?’ (Genesis 1:3)

‘It is done?’ (Revelation 21:6)

Maybe that’s what these “vial” things are. Some kind of capacitor that holds a certain something that does a certain something at a certain time. A signal.

Holy fuck...I've gone off the deep end
^Starfucker // STRFKR – Golden Light^

How does one smooth the wave bourn of pain that creates more pain? Transfer? Transmission? Passing on? And is it “bourn of” or “born of”? Or “borne of”?

Bourn is like… a stream or a goal.

Born is like…hatched or deveiled or unveiled or whatever.

Borne is carried.

^Анна Ворфоломеева — Как мне тебя назвать^

Speaking of rolls…lets talk toilet paper and the peculiarities of hygiene.

  • 1st wipe – paper is absolutely covered in poo;
  • 2nd wipe – not a speck of poo on the paper, WTF?!?!??

That 2nd wipe makes so little sense, you gotta go for a 3rd wipe just to make sure because you don’t believe the 2nd wipe result. Things get even more weird if the 3rd wipe again has poop on the paper. Now you really start to question that 2nd wipe.

Did I miss?

Coulda swore that I felt the paper in the proper position.

What in the hell type of sorcery is this?!?!?

^The Soft Moon – Try^

We relive that Eden thing over and over.

It echos, and echos, and echos.


Everything is perfect.

We wander around in this magical and mysterious place of awe and wonder.

It all goes wrong.

We spend our life trying to get back to the start.

Get back what we had.

^Harlem River^

We still have it, we just don’t seem to want to utilize it. Maybe it’s that lingering idea of “better”. As long as there is something in the world that is “better” than what we currently have, no fucking way that where we are can be Eden.

Maybe it's that lingering idea of “worse”

As long as what we currently have is “worse” than what others currently have, no fucking way that where we are can be Eden. Oh, and fuck all those people who have it worse than us. Even tho our worse is better than some, some have it better than us and we are worse off for it.

For better…or for worse. In sickness…and in health. What in the FUCK, is health? We know what sickness is (or we think we do).

So...health = not sick?

That’s seems a pretty poor measure of health.

^Kindrid – Demise^

Took me a lot of time to come to grips with the need for destruction. Come to grips with why the blessing of life needs to come with a curse of death type rider. What’s that? You wanna know how in the fuck I, a backwards and braindead Okie hick, somehow stumbled onto an answer to one of life’s biggest mysteries?

Q: Why do we die?

A: Because there are things that you cannot think of

You do not have experience with everything. As a result, there are things that you simply cannot think of. Things you cannot imagine. However, when you can think of these things, can imagine these things, can and do experience these things, it might be too late to unthink them. Might be too late to unimagine them. Might be too late to not experience them. You may, need an alternate out.

^Артек Электроника — Шагая Сквозь Эпоху^

To relate a bit…

‘And in those days shall men seek death, and shall not find it; and shall desire to die, and death shall flee from them.’

-Revelation 6:9 (KJV)

Now, you may have given the concept of immortality a thought here and there, but its likely that you may also equate immortality with some kind of invincibility. You cannot die, therefore, you cannot be hurt. Welp, to relate what a mistake that prolly is, maybe give this thought a bit of contemplation…

Q: When someone you love dies, and you are left alive, are you suddenly immortal?

A: ???

You’re still alive. You’ve got a nasty-ass pain digging in you, and you cannot shake it.

Q: What is your salvation?

A: Death

One of the things that I’m thinking about here is that you have no way of knowing if you are immortal or not until you actually die. Another thing I’m thinking about is the horrible pains and strife that we some of us encounter in life, yet we do not die. Also thinking that we tend to equate immortality not only with invincibility, but we also equate immortality with youth. I’ve lost my train of thought.

Lemme regroup
^Маяк – Река^


Re group.

R e g r o u p .

R e g r o u p . p u o r g e R

. p u o r g e R

      .puorg eR


^MARY – Devouring Me^

Ya know, it just occurred to me that we usually watch news programs just to see one thing. There’s one thing that interests us, we can only get the information we need from one place, but they are gonna make us sit through a bunch of other shit before allowing us to see it.

Hrm. Why does this ring a bell? 

OH YEAH!!! School. You’re an individual, so you are likely to only have one main interest, but school is gonna subject you to all kinds of other bullshit before getting to the stuff you like. Work is like that too. Gotta work before you get that paycheck you want. Dinner is also like that. Unlikely that you like everything on your plate, and the plate also has to be clean before there’s any hope of dessert.

^увула – нам остается лишь ждать^

Just because my itinerary does not include you, that does not also imply that the road I’m on leads to nowhere.

^deadmau5 / Faxing Berlin (Piano Acoustic/Orchestral Version & Radio Edit)^

On a scale of 0-10, rate how evil each of the below lifeforms is.

0 being “how dare you even suggest someone would ever think of this creature as evil”, and 10 being “how dare you even suggest someone would ever think of this creature anything but evil”.

01. Vampire bats

02. Pomeranian dog

03. ET – The Extraterrestrial

04. Photosynthetic cyanobacteria

05. Magpies

06. Demons

07. Daemons

08. Grizzly Bears

09. Rats

10. Casper The Friendly Ghost

11. Poison Ivy

12. That person at work who refuses to wear antiperspirant/deodorant.

13. Crabs

14. Butterflies

15. Antlions

16. Fruitless Mulberry trees

I expect your answers on my desk no later than a date and time to be specified at a later date and time.

Be ready
^davEy – Breath of the Nightwind^

All that shit above was written on or about 11 September 2020AD/CE.

Yesterday was Monday the 12th of October 2020AD/CE.

Yes, that makes today Tuesday 13 October 2020AC/DC

I just woke. Started writing. Had a nagging feeling all day yesterday tho.

“Today seems like a holiday.”

Actually, I did not have the nagging feeling all day as much as I had a coupla points where I had “déjà vu” type moments of “today seems like a holiday, so why is it not a holiday?”

  • Is today a Monday? CHECK!
  • Are we in the holiday season? CHECK!

So why is everyone not ranting and raving about a holiday?

This morning, I remember my feelings from yesterday, and suddenly…there it is.

Yesterday, was Columbus Day

Ah yes, the latest parental figure to beat on…Christopher Columbus. It’s now known as “Indigenous Peoples’ Day” in some areas, but not everyone observes it. Divisions. Divisions within divisions.

^Trust – F.T.F.^
We interrupt this program for an important news flash...

Mystery = SOLVED! Next?

An actual “Mystery = SOLVED!” that has a shred of merit. Whodathunkit?


^Забавные игры – Берег (Remastered)^

This flight had me completely perplexed. I admit that “crop dusting” or some other agricultural use crossed my mind due to the remoteness of the location, but I never in all my years of flying and being in/around aviation have I heard of a Beechcraft King Air being used for crop dusting. I focused on either some kind of pipeline or electrical lines inspection, or maybe searching for a downed something, but…at night?

So I focused on maybe a pipeline leak or spill of some kind since the patterns were in some remote areas which likely are laced with creeks and could carry a release, but again…at night?

When I looked into the flight history of the aircraft and saw that this very aircraft had done very similar flights only recently, and since the person that I was speaking with had set their mind to contacting the FAA to find out what was going on, I admit that I settled back into a “wait and see” kind of posture since none of this made much sense. The plane obviously had some kind of special clearance to be flying so low, otherwise their very first flight at these altitudes would been their last. But, I found at least three other flights that were very similar, so yeah, wait and see. But mosquitoes? Spraying for mosquitoes with a King Air?!? At 200 fucking feet?

I fucking never would have thought of that even tho’ now, yeah, it makes sense that early evening is the perfect time to spray for mosquitoes and those flight patterns make much more sense now. Here where I live, they use spraying trucks for mosquito control, and the trucks drive up and down streets spraying the stuff into the air, but again it never would have occurred to me that someone is utilizing aircraft for the same purpose. I learned something. I learned a bunch actually.

^Pauk-Mumije ( 1982 Bosnia New Wave -Synth – Post Punk -Darkwave)^

The bad part in this?


People are obviously being sprayed, and yet, at least some of these people appear to have no prior knowledge that they are being dusted at 200 feet by an airplane spraying for mosquito control.

The last time that we here had active mass spraying was I think in either 2011 or 2012 with all that Zika panic. I seem to recall some panic that Zika and West Nile were going to cause some huge rash of illness and death, and so these giant trucks drove up and down the streets at night creating this massive weird mist cloud that hung heavy in the air. But the media had so hyped the disease prior to the spraying, that when the notices went out that spraying was gonna occur and for everyone to stay indoors during certain hours, I got the feeling that pretty much everyone got the message.

How do I know this? Welp, because I got a chair and went and sat up on my roof to observe the goings on. No cars, no people, no sound…it was completely dead outside an hour prior to the spraying, and remained dead until I heard the trucks start to rove up and down the streets. At a grumbling idle they came. I could see the mist cloud boiling up over the tops of the trees in the distance. When I saw the headlights appear on my street, I looked up and noticed that a strange halo was beginning to encircle the moon and encase the stars. I figured it was time to get down and go inside.

The good part in this?

There are still people in the world who are worried about mosquitoes and mosquito-borne diseases in the middle of this nCoV-2019 pandemic thingie.

^Don’t Leave – Gummy Boy^



  Mosque Key Toes.

          Musky Toes.

Muss Keet Ohs. Moss Kiitos.


    West Nile.


   Dengue Fever.


   Swine Flu.


Bubonic Plague.












Tiger King.


Q: Would you put your “pet” down if you knew that they were facilitating the transfer of nCoV-2019 to your family/friends/others?

A: ???

What am I saying? Of course you would! You collar them, leash them, chip them, tattoo them, train them to behave like you think they should, and punish them when they don’t. You’d drop that doggo, kitten, hamster, rat, snake or bearded dragon like a bad habit if you were to learn that they were to blame for the world’s woes. You with fish/fish tanks can keep them.

And for you lazy fuckers…

  • Keet = a type of bird from Guinea;
  • Kiitos = “thank you” in Finnish.
You're welcome
^Hey Moon^

What is this “tick” thing that appears by certain people’s names on Twitter? I guess it separates “the elite” from average scumbags.

Ticks are bad, mmmmmkay?
^Удары синтезаторов – Предчувствие космоса^

Last night was the first night in months that I’ve not had nightmares all night long. Pretty sure last night’s dreams weren’t good, but I also wouldn’t call them nightmares. Certainly not of the intensity of late. All these nightmares have been wearing my ass out. Don’t feel like reading, don’t feel like writing, don’t feel like watching anything, can’t think straight, have but one thought on my mind…what in the bloody hell is driving this non-stop onslaught of horrific dreams?

But to be fair, that thought really doesn’t pester me and I’ve really not sought any answers. Not done any soul-searching, not sought to understand it, not sought to stop it. Whatever it is, just trying to endure it. I figure if there are any answers to be had, they’ll come. This may be reckless of me.

 Maybe not
^Walter Wanderley – Os grilos^

Cade: Howdy!

X: ….

Cade: Hello?

Z: …

Cade: Helloooooo thar.

A: …

Cade: “A:” never speaks, so she’s not the best of indicators. Anyone there?

0: …

Cade: Anyone at all?

T: They’re ignoring you.

Cade: O HAI! So, why aren’t you ignoring me?

T: I am ignoring you.

Cade: Um, no you aren’t.

T: Yes I am. I just wanted to let you know that we are ignoring you.

Cade: Is this because I’ve been ignoring you?

T: …

Cade: I’ll take that for a no.

Z: That’s a definite yes.

Cade: Pray tell how you’d know?

Z: I checked.

Cade: Checked? Checked what? You keeping a journal or something?

Z: Maybe.

Cade: Soooo…that would mean that you may have some indication as to why I’ve been having non-stop nightmares since Spring of this year?

Z: I show it’s more like July.

Cade: HA! I already knew that. So you do actually have something there which may be indicative of why I’ve been having nightmares.

Z: …

Cade: Fuckin’ hell. I’ve painted myself into a corner. Any newbies out there wanna take this opportunity to chime in?

V: …

Cade: Well that’s one at least. Any infrequent visitors up for a chat?

G: …

Cade: Hrm. I’m quite shocked that at least “0:” doesn’t have an earful to give me.

X: Oh they’ve got an earful to give you.

Cade: GREAT! Let’s have it then.

0: …

Cade: That indeed, is quite the earful. Says a lot.

0: See ya around kiddo.

Cade: Hrm. I’ll add that to my list of things to chew on.

0: …

B: What’s all this recent business about ghosts?

Cade: Well, I’ve just been doing a lot of pondering about the notion recently.

B: You did a whole series of posts on pareidolia prior to Google/Blogger blocking you.

Cade: Correct. Six posts in total, but I only shared 5 with the class. The basic notion was of a sighted person “seeing things” as being odd concept to ponder.

X: You mean to say that, when a sighted someone sees a something, and another sighted someone disputes what has been seen because they themselves either did not see it or do not see it, that paradigm is causing you personally some measure of dismay?

Cade: Yes. I was not there/did not see “Mr. October” bang those three home runs off of those three pitchers back in 1977, but it happened.

B: Others have seen it. It was filmed.

Cade: Technically, no one, with maybe the exception of Edwin “Buzz” Aldrin, actually saw Neil Armstrong walk on the moon.

B: And your point?

Cade: Welp, I can understand the need to use one’s own experiences with things to help others with theirs.

X: But what you have a problem with, is that concept taken to excess.

Cade: Yes. If I were unsighted, it would not be a problem.

Z: But because both you and those around you are sighted, it’s a problem.

Cade: Exactly.

T: Ever stop to think that maybe you shouldn’t share so much?

Cade: Indeed I have.

Z: Shows here that you pretty much completely shut down for most of your life.

Cade: I’d concur with that.

X: So what’s the problem? Keep things to yourself, problem(s) solved.

Cade: I um…I do kinda live in a vacuum, but I also kinda don’t.

0: You’re referring to “the vacuum of space”?

Cade: Indeed.

T: I think you are thinking about the concept of “Familiars”.

Cade: You aren’t wrong. Half in, half out. Not here, not there, and kinda not anywhere…

0: And yet, there you are.

X: The slightly crooked king.

Cade: Yes. That concept too has been on my mind.

Z: But everything is…fuzzy, is that it?

Cade: Very. Like certain parts of the past no longer exist.

A: I bet that recent Astrology talk about changing the past in order to make for a better future hit you particularly hard.

Cade: Indeed it did. Any such changes would not only affect me…

0: But others.

Cade: Yes indeedy. It’s that whole stupid time-machine thing about going back in time to kill someone.

X: Rumor has it that would save a lot of pain and suffering.

Cade: Um…hasn’t all that pain and suffering already occurred?

T: I think that’s a fair assessment.

Cade: So now we’re back to rending and tears.

X: Has that too been heavy on your mind?

Cade: Yes.

X: A cloth?

Cade: Yes. But also what it means.

X: You never understood it before?

Cade: Well, the symbolism was that it was torn from top to bottom. Hence, that is interpreted as “God did it”.

X: That was some thick material.

Cade: Some stress that fact, some do not. I think some even dispute it because if the Tabernacle cloth was indeed that thick, it woulda weighed like 800 tons and there was no fucking way they could have carried that thing around whilst wandering in the desert.

X: Details, details, details.

Cade: So yeah, now we’re right back to some people see a something, others do not, which raises doubt.

0: People do sometimes take liberties with telling tales.

Cade: But we here in the now generally are not taught that history is a subjective something which is likely to be more tall-tale than fact. History is taught as being rigid, not fluid.

Z: Revisionism.

Cade: I really, REALLY fucking need to stop writing here and go get to work on…

A: You…might…want to bite your tongue right there.

Cade: Indeed. I’m in a quandary.

A: Do you edit, or do you not edit.

Cade: That’s the truth of it.

A: And what is this truth you speak of.

Cade: Typically, I’ve not a clue what truth is. But in this case, I feel that I was about to overstep some bounds.

A: And you are stuck here and now with a dilemma.

Cade: Yes. What is not mine, is not mine.

A: You gonna “mine” that concept any further?

Cade: Yes.

A: Careful.

Cade: Noted.

A: …

Don’t ask me…I don’t know. Kinda working on it tho’. And don’t ask what that means either because I don’t know.

How many people know you exist?

Yeah…I thought so…not many.

Don’t sweat it tho…nobody knows I exist either.

^Cannonball Adderley – Groovy Samba^



Have a Song, Dear Reader 😀

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