Story Time: Jackanory Jackalope

Welcome, Dear Reader, to Easter at the LoL…

*You’ve already lost me, Clicky…/lights up… I’m gonna post last Easter’s Underdog Anthology ‘Harry’ story…/drags…*

*Not crying, Clicky, just not sure what your Reggae Sets have to do with my Easter Eggs… /streams smoke…*

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Jackanory Jackalope

by Roo B. Doo

“Harry!”

I thought I heard my name being called but dismissed it; only my best friend Lol knew I would be here and he was standing right next to me. We were on one of our regular pilgrimages to London to see Mamma-Mia, a shared passion that we felt fuck-all need to share with anybody else. Besides, there were plenty of people about. Any one of them could be called Harry.

“Harry! Lol! Over here!” a familiar voice bellowed over the hubbub of the hot and sweaty, but very happy Saturday matinee crowd streaming out of the theatre alongside us, and into the fume-choked, twilight air. Oh shit!

Lol spotted him. “Oh Jesus! It’s the Fat Kontroller,” he informed me with a sharp jab to my ribs. “Look! He’s waving at us from across the street.”

Indeed he was. The founder and driving force behind the company I work for, F.A. Kontrell – my boss – was trying to get our attention from the back seat of a sleek, black Mercedes S-Class parked on the other side of the road. He saw that we’d spotted him and waved harder. “Over here, Harry!”

I considered feigning deaf, dumb and blindness, but Lol was already striding confidently toward the car. “Bastard! Can’t I get a bloody day off?” I mumbled to myself, but followed in his wake.

“Farnsworth!” Lol greeted the Fat Kontoller and shook the plump hand proffered through the open window of the car. “What a nice surprise,” he lied jovially. Lol’s a bank manager; it’s a skill that comes naturally. “What are you doing in town?”

I knew exactly what The Fat Kontroller was doing in town, having ordered the nice wheels and driver for him. But never in a million years, in a city the size of London, did I think that I would bump into the old boy whilst he was entertaining clients. Just my fucking luck!

“Hello Mr Kontrell. Is everything going okay?” I asked, dodging a cyclist that stared malevolently at us as he zoomed past.

“Fine, fine. Get in before you’re flattened,” The Fat Kontroller ordered. A suited figure emerged from the driver’s seat and rushed round to open the rear passenger doors. Lol took the front, leaving me the rear, which looked to be already occupied by a pair of long, shapely legs sheathed in a gossamer shimmer. Hello! I thought, as the legs shifted over to make room on the back seat. I jumped in.

“Dana, this is Harry Egg my assistant and Lol Williams. He’s our bank manager,” The Fat Kontroller introduced us to the owner of the shimmering legs. “Lol, Harry, this is Dana Cossetti, VP Europe for Clovis.”

Clovis, F.A. Kontrell’s biggest customer, had recently been bought by an American conglomerate, and the Yanks were visiting to see exactly what they’d bought. Of course I knew that too as I’d arranged a dinner for them in another part of town. What the fuck are they doing over here?

I dragged my gaze from Dana’s luscious pins, up and over the thick, gold rope chain that disappeared between her swollen breasts, until it rested upon her smiling face. She had twenty years on me, but she didn’t half look good on it. I resisted the impulse to ‘Yee-haw’.

“Hi. Have you guys been to the theatre?” Dana asked with a Texan drawl that made the hairs on my neck stand to attention. “I love that show. Have you seen the film version?”

“Yes,” I replied dumbly, transfixed by Dana’s firm jawline and the absence of wrinkles. Botoxed? I idly wondered.

Lol twisted in his seat so as to face us. He smiled warmly but I recognised the mischievous glint in his eyes. “Harry had a spare ticket and dragged me along,” he said as if he’d been doing me a favour.

“You asked your bank manager to go to the theatre with you?” Dana asked me directly. Her eyes were piercing blue, like my own, and her gaze steady. “Are you guys on a date?”

“No, no,” Lol blustered. “Harry and I are old friends from university. It’s just lucky happenstance that we have F.A. Kontrell in common.”

The corners of Dana’s mouth curled in answer, but she refused to shift her stare from me. Crikey! I thought, that’s what it’s like to get a shot of piercing blue.

The Fat Kontroller, who’d been sitting quietly now piped up and broke the silence. “Lol, are you two going anywhere in particular now? I’m taking Dana for a drink at a fun, little place I found in Spitalfields. Can you join us?”

“We were thinking of getting a bite to eat first and then go for a drink,” Lol started to reply.

“Oh no, please join us.” Dana turned to The Fat Kontroller. “Does the place you’re takin’ me to serve food?”

“Oh yes. You can get something to eat there,” the Fat Kontroller replied mysteriously.

Lol puffed out his cheeks and looked to me for direction, but instead caught sight of Dana’s slender left hand resting lightly on my right thigh. “Yes, I think Harry and I can join you,” he said turning back to The Fat Kontroller and nodding vigorously. “Thank you, Farnsworth.”

“Good, good. Artillery Lane, E1, please driver.”

The car pulled out smoothly into the traffic and sped away.

“Where are you from, Dana?” Lol asked. I could tell from the tone of his voice that inside he was laughing his bollocks off; it’s not every day his best friend attracts a cougar, and he was going to make the most of it. “Is that a Texas twang I hear?”

“Yes. I’m originally from Dallas but I’ve lived and worked all over the world,” she replied.

“Really? Are you moving to England?”

“No, I fly back tomorrow evening.” Dana crossed her long legs, giving me an eyeful of shimmering thigh. “But I hope to come back soon. England is a beautiful country,” she said gently squeezing my knee.

“It is that,” The Fat Kontroller interjected, oblivious to Dana’s wandering left hand. “You worked in the States for a bit, didn’t you Harry?”

Dana hardly needed any further prompting. “Oh where was that?” she asked huskily. I swear her skirt had ridden up a further inch.

As much as I was enjoying her attention, I was also acutely aware of Dana’s status as a client. And apart from my occasional bouts of lustful longing for Josie, F.A. Kontrell’s goddess of a HR Manager, I tried not to mix business with pleasure. I couldn’t deny though, that it felt good to be the prey for once.

“In New York. It was only for a gap year. I was working for an AIDS charity.”

“That seems very altruistic, Harry.” Dana smiled at me, raising her eyebrows. Not botox then.

“Admin mostly,” I said with a sheepish shrug. A year licking envelopes, being sent for coffee and sucking jelly out of doughnuts; I’m a fucking humanitarian, me. I gave her my best benignant smile and was rewarded with the soft crush of side-boob, as she shifted her position imperceptibly closer.

The traffic thinned out as we entered the City of London. The Saturday streets were devoid of office workers, but a few tourists congregated in their place. Chatter in the car continued amicably, as we passed St Paul’s cathedral and Guildhall until we at last reached our destination: a bright yellow door along a narrow side street.

“Here we are!” The Fat Kontroller said, as he got out of the car and held the door open for Dana. She gave my knee a final squeeze before unfurling her long legs and exiting.

“The Breakfast Club?” She sounded distinctly unimpressed. I could understand why: apart from the jolly legend – ‘Today is going to be a good day’ – emblazoned above the windows, it appeared that The Fat Kontroller’s “fun, little place” was in fact a workmen’s cafe. Through the window I could see wooden chairs and tables, topped with centre pieces of ketchup and HP Sauce bottles.

“Are we at the right place?” I asked after The Fat Kontroller had told the driver to come back in an hour.

He laughed and tapped the side of his nose. “Follow me.”

Once inside my first suspicions were confirmed: it was a cafe. A very nice, clean one, but cafe all the same.

“Farnsworth, I fear I may be somewhat overdressed,” Dana said worriedly.

Now that we were standing, I could fully appreciate exactly how long Dana’s legs were. She was wearing a little, black dress that shrieked “Money!” It clung to her firm hips and slender waist, accentuating her ample bosom. Sod overdressing. I’d like to see you undressed, I thought lecherously.

“No, this is the place,” The Fat Kontroller stated firmly and approached the counter. There was a small queue of people waiting to give their food order, but he managed to get the attention of one of the staff. He leaned in conspiratorially. “We have an appointment with the Mayor.”

The staff member gave a brief nod of understanding and asked us to follow. He led us toward a large American style fridge.

“Oh smeg!” Lol laughed at his own joke. The staff member gave a tired smile – he’d obviously heard that particular joke before – and opened the SMEG fridge door, ushering us inside.

“Good heavens, Farnsworth. It’s a speakeasy!” Dana laughed.

The Fat Kontroller beamed with delight. “Welcome to The Mayor of Scaredy Cat Town. I was brought here myself a few months ago. I’ve been dying to reveal it to somebody else. What do you think?”

We were stood in a small bar with bare brick walls and wooden floor. The room was intimately lit and a few patrons sat at tall tables made of heavy wood, sipping cocktails. At the back of the room the bar was backed by brightly lit shelves housing an array of spirit bottles. I felt like I’d walked onto the set of Bugsy Malone.

“It’s wonderful, Farnsworth,” Dana enthused.

We found an empty table and perched up on the high bar chairs. Except for The Fat Kontroller – he remained standing, ready to go to the bar. “What’ll you have?” he asked.

I had nabbed the seat next to Dana, and we scooched together to peruse the cocktail menu. She casually placed her hand on the backrest of my chair, and I could feel her fulsome breast pressed up again my arm.

“I think I’ll have…” Dana paused as she scanned the list. Her protruding tongue flicked over her lips whilst she decided. “A pear and cinnamon sidecar, please.”

“Harry?” I was still mesmerized by sight of Dana’s probing tongue, and basking in the heat of her touch.

“Harry?” the Fat Kontroller repeated again, this time somewhat louder. “What would you like?”

What I’d like is for that pink and glistening beauty to flick over me, but I didn’t say; that would be impolite. “I’ll have the same thanks, Mr K,” I replied hoarsely. My throat suddenly felt quite dry.

“I’ll give you a hand at the bar, Farnsworth,” Lol chuckled, standing up. He dropped me a surreptitious wink before he left.

“So, Harry,” Dana drawled. She turned to face me. “Your folks called you Harry?”

“No, they named me Harriet but everybody calls me Harry. Actually so do they now.” I could feel myself blushing under the weight of her naked gaze on me. I delicately coughed to clear my throat. In for a penny, in for a pound. “Unless of course I’m very, very bad. In which case they call me Harriet.”

There was a pause filled by the muted sounds of the bar around us. Dana raised a quizzical eyebrow then smiled slowly, revealing predatory teeth. “Well, I look forward to calling you Harriet,” she growled softly.

Ding dong! I’ve pulled! Then another thought crossed my mind, this one not so euphoric. There’s something not quite right. “Dana, would you excuse me for just one moment, I just need to have a quick word with Lol. I’ll be right back.” I gave her wrist a comforting squeeze, then slipped down from my chair and started for the bar. I nearly bumped into The Fat Kontroller who was his was back with our drinks.

“You’re not off already, Harry?” He looked concerned.

“No, I just need to see Lol. I’ll be right back.”

I collared Lol at the bar. He was sipping on a syrupy concoction through a straw. The cocktail glass was laden with umbrellas and fruit.

“Lol, quick question: did you know that The Fat Kontroller and Dana would be outside the theatre tonight?” I gave him my sternest look.

He didn’t answer straight away, preferring to suck harder on his straw. I waited whilst the liquid drained from his glass.

“That’s brilliant! I’m going to have another one of those,” he answered at last.

I breathed out hard. “Lol. Did you and The Fat Kontroller conspire for them to bump into us tonight? It’s a simple enough question.”

“No, of course not, Harry,” he laughed uncomfortably. “What do you think we are? Pimps?” He turned away quickly and asked the bar tender for a refill.

You bastards! I thought. You set me up! “Oh Lol!”

“Look, Harry,” he said calmly, placing his hands on my shoulders. “We just thought it would be nice for you and Dana to meet. She’s an important client, new in town. You don’t have to sleep with her or anything, it’s just a drink.”

I looked over towards our table. The Fat Kontroller and Dana were deep in conversation. I was torn between outrage at the actions of my best friend and my boss, and lust for the lusciously lanky Texan. I watched her swing her shimmering legs and my mind loitered on the thought of them wrapped around my head.

“Come on, Harry. We’ll get something to eat after this and go home, okay?”

Lol grabbed his drink, telling the bar tender to put it on The Fat Kontroller’s tab, and steered me back toward our table.

“What are you two talking about?” Lol asked when we returned. Dana turned and smiled at me as I climbed back onto the bar chair next to her. I sipped at my sidecar and smiled back.

“Jackalopes,” The Fat Kontroller boomed.

I placed my fingers to my mouth to stifle a burp. “Jacka-whats?”

“Jackalopes,” Dana replied, “They’re ubiquitous in Texas and the most fascinating creatures.”

“Rabbits with antlers?” Lol asked sceptically.

“Oh their antlers are poisonous. If they ram you, it injects poison,” Dana answered drily.

The Fat Kontroller took a swig of his drink, a single malt doubled – his favourite tipple; no fancy cocktails for him. “Jackalopes sound extremely dangerous.”

“Oh they are, Farnsworth.” Dana was warming to the subject. “Their fur is also poisonous. Each hair is like a barb on a sea-urchin or porcupine, and that poison is more toxic than the one produced by their antlers. Not only that but the hair has barbs, so the more that the fur touches you, the more attached the Jackalope becomes. It’s not uncommon in Texas to see a hunter running around screaming with a Jackalope stuck to them.”

She paused to take a sip of her cocktail and her eyes flicked between us, as if to gauge our reaction. Rapt attention, as far as I could tell, but I was still miffed at the situation I found myself in.

“So they’re pretty poisonous, then?” I asked blithely.

Dana suddenly grabbed my arm and turned me sharply toward her. “You don’t know the half of it, Harry,” she said with complete seriousness. “Their claws are also poisonous, but this poison has a more osmotic delivery mechanism. They will climb on the back of a horse, and if it refuses to give the Jackalope a ride, to wherever the Jackalope wants to go, it will slowly release poison from their claws.”

Her piercing blue eyes danced delightfully as they stared into my own. Underneath the table I felt Lol give me a friendly kick.

“The Jackalope saliva is also poisonous, but they spit that at their target. The spit ball is encased in a corrosive acid that eats through the victim’s skin, allowing the poison encapsulated in the spit ball to enter the bloodstream. A Jackalope can spit the poison spit balls accurately for up to 1/2 mile which is..?” Dana looked toward The Fat Kontroller.

“Oh, almost a kilometre,” he replied mirthfully.

Dana nodded to him. “Thank you, Farnsworth. The poisonous saliva makes Jackalope turds toxic, Harry. Toxic, but not fatal. That’s why there are so many college kids out looking for Jackalope turds. They collect the Jackalope turds, then eat them.”

“Eww!” Lol laughed. “Well, I suppose that’s better than eating Tide pods.”

“True,” Dana continued with a straight face. “The toxins in the turds causes the kids see really weird stuff. Of course they won’t see anything as weird as seeing a bunch of people out picking up Jackalope turds just so they can eat them, but they’ll see some pretty weird stuff. Or so I hear.”

She sat back in her seat and took another gulp of her sidecar, the level of which was getting dangerously low in her glass.

“Dana, is there any part of the Jackalope that isn’t poisonous?” I asked sweetly. This is fun! Not only is she smoking hot, but she’s fucking funny with it.

“Only their bite, which is odd considering the toxicity of their saliva. Science never could figure out why. But the bite still hurts like a mother fucker.”

Lol guffawed, nearly choking on his drink, whilst The Fat Kontroller slapped the table. “Have you ever been bitten by a Jackalope, Dana?” he asked, his ruddy face shining with amusement.

“No fortunately. The Ancient Americans thought that someone getting a Jackalope bite, without dying, was a sign of good luck. But what the heck could they possibly know?”

Dana laughed a long, throaty chuckle at our amusement. Once again I felt her hand on my thigh.

“Gentlemen. Harry. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go powder my nose,” Dana said, stepping gracefully off her chair. She craned her head in search of the bathroom.

Lol stared at me with widened eyes; The Fat Kontroller contemplated his empty whisky glass. “Oh, I think they’re near the bar, Dana. Hold on, I’ll come with you,” I said sliding off my chair. “Shall I order another round while I’m up there?” I asked The Fat Kontroller.

“No, we’ll need to push off soon if we’re to meet the others for dinner on time,” he said looking at this watch. “The restaurant you booked is on the other side of town.”

I followed Dana towards the bar, drinking in her swaying figure from behind: her sensuous shoulders, slender waist and flare of her hips. Not to mention those long, shimmering legs. She’s really not that bad for an old girl, I thought.

I caught up to her when she stopped at the bar to ask for directions. “Dana,” I said, sidling up next to her.

She snaked her arm around my hips and left it hanging there. “Harry. It’s been a truly wonderful meeting you. I’m just sorry that we didn’t get to spend more time together on this trip.”

“Me too.” I really meant it.

“When I’m over again in couple of months, maybe could take in a show together?” Dana shot me other blast of piercing blue.

“Yes, I would like that very much.” I could feel the grin plastered across my face. “Mamma-mia?”

“You betcha!”

Yee-HAW!

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*A jackalope and aliens? …/pats snout… Nice one, Clicky…*

 

 

Story Time: Exchange Students

Welcome, Dear Reader, to Easter at the LoL…

*Wait… /rubs eyes… didn’t we start yesterday’s post with that tweet from Cade, Clicky?*

*Ah, okay. Thanks, Clicky…/pats snout… Gotcha…*

Today we are delighted to be able to present for you one of Cade’s stories from the latest Underdog Anthology, ‘Transgenre Dreams’. Enjoy! ❤

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Exchange Students

by Cade F.O.N. Apollyon

The days have lost their darkness. Like all of the seasons, Spring brings many of its own wonders. Some we like, some we don’t. Some we notice, others…not so much. One of the wonders that Spring brings, at least in this part of the world, is the erasure of the embedded darkness in the days.

Many seem not to notice, but it is there. A hazy, embedded darkness in each and every Winter day, that keeps Sol’s heat at bay so that Winter can do her work. Spring carries a key to releasing the grip of this Winter darkness. It usually happens over the span of a single day in late Winter, each year, and for those who are looking, it is very easy to see.

Today’s date is the 22nd of March in the year 2019 CE, and by my own accounting, the darkness first started to be released a week or so ago. You can tell, because the shade of the sky is…different. Brighter at a certain time of the day than it was at or around the same time on the previous day. That embedded darkness will not return until Fall and Winter return. And, there will be several more increases in the light over the coming months. The brightness will reach its peaks in the months of July and August; the months in which here, the temperature will usually rise to oppressive levels. Day after day of a sweltering and inescapable heat. No embedded darkness to shield us.

Why am I writing about all of this darkness and light business, you might ask? Perhaps you are one who enjoys seeing wonders, and never knew that such a thing even existed. This phenomenon of a change in the sky’s opacity and luminescence is not something that you can actually sit, wait and watch to happen. You just need to be mindful of it. If you watch the sky enough, you can train yourself to notice variations in the shades and colors of the skies.

Today, I am sitting out back, banging away on the laptop, and thinking about the sky I am currently seeing. Thinking about the skies I’ve seen. Comparing those skies in my mind to what I am actually seeing in real time. All the while, taking some notes.

It occurs to me to suggest that this darkness phenomenon is akin to seeing the sky go dark, then turn light again during a solar eclipse. Winter brings an embedded darkness to our days, ands Spring bri…woah!

Apologies for the interruption, but something just flew in front of the Sun; a plane I’m guessing. There was that rapid change in the Sun’s brightness that lasted for but a fraction of a second. I suppose my heart is beating so fast and my mind racing because I am, ironically, writing on just this very topic.

Um…it just happened again. That blip of a rapid change in the Sun’s brightness, and it happened in less than a minute after the previous. I know a bit about aviation, so I know enough to know that aircraft are spaced further apart than that. A bird perhaps? Circling vultures or some large bird of prey? They are quite common here. Busy airways in this area, so there are many possibilities at this point.

There is a high, thin layer of cloud today, but the Sun is still very bright, and plenty of blue sky. I only mention this because that blip just happened for a third time, then almost immediately a fourth. I see no planes, I hear no planes, I see no birds. Of course I am stopping my typing occasionally to observe, and I know that I am somewhat straying off topic, but this whatever it turns out to be is interesting to me. I have observed this phenomenon many times before, but never with this frequency. Not even close.

It is still happening, and I’ve now lost count of how many times it has happened. I cannot look directly at the sun, but I certainly cannot see anything on the perimeter of the Sun’s disk that might be causing this. The frequency is too often. Something very odd happening here. Almost like someone waving their hand rapidly in front of the light bulb on a lamp. But in this case, I cannot actually see what is causing the Sun to be blotted temporarily.

My heart is beating out of my chest as I write this. The frequency and duration have both dramatically increased, and I suddenly feel I’m at some weird daytime Rave. I’ve experienced some weird shit in my life, but this is completely fucking new.

WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK!!!

OMG!!!

I CANNOT BELIEVE WHAT I AM SEEING!!!

Gotta stop writing.

Be right back…I hope.

***

I just had…the weirdest fucking conversation…that I have ever had in my entire life.

Um…give me a second to get my bearings so that I can accurately relate the completely fucked up shit that just happened to me. My heart is pumping hard in my chest again, but it’s only because I’m trying to figure out what in the fuck to do at this point. How to try and grasp the meaning of what happened and how to relate it. Perhaps even if I should. If so, to whom?

OK…I’ve already dismissed the urge to contact MUFON and file a report. Police? Not a fucking chance. The military? Yeah right. A friend? Fuck no…I have no friends, not for something like this. Local government? NASA? Ghostbusters? Who in the fuck do you call? What do you do?

This is something, that in all my years of watching Bigfoot, UFO and other weird documentaries, I have never considered before now. Now what? You wanted the experience, you got it, now what?

The fucker is now gone, but as you may have guessed, yes, I just saw a goddamn UFO. I’ve seen plenty of UFOs in my lifetime, but there are only a very few of my own personal sightings that I cannot explain. This fucker, just landed in my back yard, no bullshit. I seem to be able to explain this one just fine…or maybe not. Digress.

I’m sitting outside in one these fucked up sun-chaser outdoor recliners, typing all that bullshit above about the sky changing, then all that weird crap started happening. I stopped writing when I finally saw what was dancing all wiggly in front of the sun and causing that rapid “micro-shade” or whatever it might be called. Just when I thought I was going to have a seizure from all that flashing, this purple and green…ship…came into full view. It descended down from right above me, and plopped itself down in this tiny-assed backyard of mine.

Weird, because the fucker looked HUGE in the sky, but the closer it got to the ground, the smaller it got. No idea how it fitted in this tiny yard. Made no sense whatsoever, and I don’t want to speculate about the shrinking and growing possibilities at this particular junction. None of this shit makes any sense. Least of all…that totally bizarre and completely fucked up exchange between…us. I have no idea what that was. But yes…us.

***

I am sitting here, hands shaking, trying to get my head wrapped around all this crap, what to tell and how. But holy SHIT…all I can think about is that conversation I just had. Yes, an “alien” got out of their spaceship, and they fucking talked to me.

You know what? Fuck this noise. I’m gonna play transcriptionist here, and try my best to make an accurate record of the conversation while it is still fresh in my mind.

My mind…my fucking mind.

Jesus H. Christ…where in the fuck is my fucking mind right now?

***

Alien: Where is your mating orifice!?

Me: ???

NOTE: I said nothing of course. But if ever in my life there was cartoon bubble containing question marks floating over my head, it was precisely at this exact moment in time.

Alien: Do you speak?

Me: Yes, I speak.

Alien: Then you likely also have the capacity to hear. Where is your mating orifice!?

Me: Um…I don’t have a mating orifice…that I am aware of.

Alien: All beings having mating orifices! Where is yours!?

Me: At work?

Alien: At work. Ah, so it is already currently active in a utilization sequence?

Me: No, not that I’m aware of. It better not be anyway.

Alien: Is your culture one that speaks only in riddles?

Me: Not…always, no.

Alien: Then explain how your mating orifice can be in an active utilization sequence when you do not know where it is located!

Me: I was thinking of my girlfriend.

Alien: You think of others while your mating orifice is in use?

Me: No, I don’t think of…wait. I, do not have a mating orifice. I think my girlfriend does though.

NOTE: It was at this point in which I realized, that my childish desire to please had suddenly taken a turn. Am I, completely by accident, about to inadvertently pimp out my girlfriend to an alien?

Alien: I have traveled the length and breadth of the great void and seen it’s many wonders, and I tell you, that I have never encountered a being that does not have a mating orifice! Where is yours!?

Me: And I’m telling you, that I’m pretty sure to an accuracy of almost 100%, that I do not have a mating orifice. I was simply thinking that I may know where one is.

Alien: Where is it? And why it is there and not here!?

Me: My girlfriend. Your unusual request initially made me think of my girlfriend. She’s at work.

Alien: This girlfriend has a mating orifice?

Me: Maybe. Before I came to my senses, it had occurred to me to perhaps call her.

Alien: Her?

Me: Yes, her. I’d thought to call her.

Alien: Call?

Me: My girlfriend.

Alien: Girlfriend?

Me: On the phone.

Alien: Phone?

Me: At her job.

Alien: Job?

“Me: My girlfriend, she’s at work, I’d have to call her, on the phone, at her job, to verify the mating orifice…status.”

Alien: WHY ARE THERE SO MANY INTERMEDIARIES BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR MATING ORIFICE!!!

Me: Now that I think of it, that’s a damn good question.

Alien: If this query is in fact good, why have you not obtained an answer to it!?

Me: That’s an even better question.

Alien: Where do you currently stand in your quest to obtain these answers!?

Me: Your questions keep getting better and better. Keep this line of questioning up, and you could probably rule this planet in the span of a week if you wanted.

Alien: I have no desire to rule your planet! I seek a mating orifice!!

Me: If anything, that’s one point we both seem to be clear on.

Alien: You are trying to deceive me with your riddles in order to hide your mating orifice?! Immediately remove your veils for verification!!

Me: !!!

NOTE: Now, I admit that I’d been sitting outside in the sun, nothing on but a t-shirt and jogging shorts, not wearing any underwear, and it occurred to me that it would be real fucking simple to answer a whole lot of questions and possibly solve a lot mysteries if I were to simply pull my shorts down posthaste and forthwith. But there was no fucking way that I was going to drop-trou just because some alien shows up, looking to get laid, all whilst experiencing some gender confusion in this particular quadrant of the galaxy, then demands that I present my junk for their inspection. And so, at the speed of light I might add, that’s exactly what I did.

Alien: Ah, I see. Not very well, but I do see. You are Pleggbah. Equipped with doingy doinger…like Muuk!

Me: If there is a God, I pray to them now, that you are Muuk?

Alien: I am Muuk…The Pleaser.

Me: Pleased…er sorry, to meet you…Muuk…The Pleaser. I’m not sorry to meet you, was just going to say “pleased to meet you” and kinda got tripped up.

Alien: A simple “greetings” would have sufficed in this exchange.

Me: Noted protocol for future reference. My name is Phillip. You may call me Phil if you like.

Alien: Phillip called Phil, you are in fact not equipped with doingy doinger like Muuk.

Me: I’m continuing to make mental notes of the pertinent details whilst dealing with the flood of data. Some contextual clues are beginning to form some pictures for me though.

Alien: While making notes, do not again use subversion to covertly ask Muuk about the existence of God.

Me: Noted…no religion, and I’m guessing no politics either?

Alien: Guess all you care to! Met God once or twice. Unpleasant type. No sense of humor.

Me: That revelation would not surprise me in the least were it not for the bullshit that is currently going down right here and now.

Alien: Going down like veils that previously concealed Phillip Phil’s doingy doinger?

Me: Among other things.

Alien: Save your existential riddles for your institutions of higher learning!

Me: Will do. And, for the sake of clarity, a “doingy doinger”, I’m guessing, is in fact this thing right here between my legs that I’m about to go to jail for unleashing in public even though I’m in my own back yard?

Alien: Correct. Muuk has many doingy doingers.

Me: Ironically, I sense a monologue in my very near future. With no pun intended there.

Alien: Many mating orifices exist in the void. Many dimensions to cover, many needs, much work, and there is only one Muuk. One Muuk has many doingy doingers for many occasions.

Me: You have many of these things? And before you respond, I’m going to take what you tell me as gospel truth at your word. I don’t require visual confirmation of any kind whatsoever, even though I admit that a video camera would come in really fucking handy at this precise moment for all kinds of reasons.

Alien: Muuk, known as The Pleaser, evolved many a doingy doinger over many cycles of time to please many a mating orifice through the ages.

Me: I could see where that might come in handy for the right… Pleggbah? I think it was?

Alien: Being with doingy doinger is Pleggbah. Muuk is Pleggbah. Phil…is…slightly above the curve according to initial rough estimates.

Me: I’m going to sleep the sleep of angels tonight in that knowledge.

Alien: Muuk has utilized my ship’s surveillance units during conversational exchange to take the dimensions of your doingy doinger. Will craft duplicate. May come in handy for Muuk.

Me: My dimensions sometimes come in handy for me.

Alien: Muuk may encounter being that desires displeasure or dissatisfaction.

Me: Thanks for that exclamation point on the matter.

Alien: My pleasure. Hararar rarah! That was humor since pleasure will be Muuk’s.

Me: You laugh at your own jokes. I have that problem too.

Alien: Laugh at own jokes is only problem Muuk have. Phil have Muuk at numerical disadvantage in the category of problems to have.

Me: That sleep of angels coming tonight will be haunted by nightmares of demons shitting on every second of it.

Alien: Displeasure is need like any other.

Me: I’ll spend the rest of my days knowing an exact replica dick of mine is causing displeasure and dissatisfaction all over the Universe.

Alien: Everywhere but here.

Me: What?!

Alien: Everywhere but here…Phil.

Me: Uh…I…

Alien: Utilization. Proper utilization of available supplies or components. Old universal parable… ”It is not the dimensions of the craft, but the vectors of the matter.

Me: We sorta have that same saying here… “It’s not the size of the ship, but the motion of the ocean”.

Alien: You say tomato, I say vincherapine.

Me: I guess I can relate to that…somewhat…eventually perhaps. Maybe after some heavy cycles of Thorazine and Quaalude therapy.

Alien: You will recover without medication cycles. Take your time.

Me: Another note to make in what is now likely to be my psychiatric journal.

Alien: I must go, and now.

Me: So soon?

Alien: No mating orifices to be found here.

Me: Well, there actually are some to be found here. You just need take your time. Maybe heed some of your own advice?

Alien: Noted. Farewell Phillip called Phil.

Me: See you around Muuk.

Alien: It is assured you will see me again.

Me: Great. I mean, yeah. Great.

Alien: Muuk serious. Will return.

Me: Seriously?

Alien: Yes. Someday, Muuk The Pleaser will return to Phillip. But not for Philip. As in…

Me: I think I get the gist Muuk.

Alien: Going now. Be back later.

Me: In that case, I’ll see you when I see you. Travel well Muuk…be safe.

Alien: Will try. Earth orbit treacherous. Much junk. Many debris. Approach and departure risky.

Me: We’re actually working on that, believe it or not.

Alien: Stay on it. Outlook currently grim. Now, Muuk go get lost in void. Find orifices to please.

Me: Later Muuk. Good luck with the ladies.

Alien: And Phil, retract your garment to it’s original configuration and/or placement.

Me: Thanks.

***

And so, that’s it. I just had an honest to God, UFO + extra-terrestrial close encounter of the you-gotta-be-shitting-me kind. In my own yard. In the broad daylight.

I was left standing there in my backyard, mouth agape, shorts down. Wondering what chance there was that a video of this event was going to somehow materialize and wind up on the Internet, and if so, what I would think about that. I just had the most bizarre exchange of my life in a “what the fuck” moment of epic proportions, involving an alien being of some kind who I guess was looking to get laid.

I pulled my shorts up, watched this weird looking spacecraft lift-off into space from my backyard, and started to contemplate the weird fucker named Muuk who was piloting it. A space cowboy with a bunch of penises. Then I sat down, grabbed the laptop, and I’ve been at it ever since.

Thinking about it now, my penis has multiple dimensions…sorta. Something like multiple penises, except in a single package. It get’s bigger, it gets smaller, lots of dimensions between here and there. Interesting. Digress.

I do wonder if he and his fabled many doingy doingers will actually be back. Not that I care about the bouncy bits. Hell, they may not even exist. I didn’t see a doingy doinger, let alone many. Maybe he was some interstellar perv pulling some intergalactic prank for some channel on the Milky Way’s version of YouTube? Fuck. I feel like a complete dunce all of sudden.

At least I didn’t get the “industry standard” type probing.

Just gave an alien the full Monty in the Spring sunshine.

Full frontal nudity.

Or thereabouts, in my case.

*******

😀 We hope you enjoyed that, Dear Reader, and suggest you invest in a copy UA8 ‘Transgenre Dreams’ if want read any more of the fabulous stories contained within it. Clicky and I will be back tomorrow with an Easter Sunday Shambles, but until then, have a Song 😉

Missive From ‘Merica: Happy Good Friday!

Welcome, Dear Reader, to Easter at the LoL…

*Cade’s buns are hot, Clicky, butt not cross… /grabs smokes… Mind you, let’s see what he says in his latest missive…*

*******

joyousconsideratecirriped

I’m guessing that your penance will be voting for someone/something you don’t want to vote for. I say that based on a commercial I saw on YouTube last night, and the commercial was on the topic of Brexit. The commercial was obviously for Leave, but also appeared to be non-Tory. So what I got to thinking about, was karma. Or, Newton’s Third Law if you hate religion or whatever. You think it possible that there are those angling to force Conservatives to vote their own party out? Their logic being, if “Leave” is indeed a valid result, that this should be reflected in the next election’s results…right? Well, when in the fuck IS the next election in The UK?

May 5th, 2022

But wait, what’s this?

When is the next general election? Theresa May says 2022 – but it’s not as simple as that

Not only that, but I just saw a tweet that the Tories “can” hold another no confidence vote if they so choose, even tho currently by “the rules” they can’t do this again until December of 2019.

If you are in charge of “the rules”, and you don’t like the way things are going, change the rules…simple. That’s why you are elected in the first place right?

To make rules
^Judy Garland: I’m Just Wild About Harry^

No one likes to lose their job. You’re entitled to a job. You’re entitled to that job. You’ve a right to work. You’ve a right to provide for yourself. You’ve got a lifestyle to maintain. Let no one stand in your way.

Q: You think “black lists” actually exist?

A: ??? ¿

You think blacklisting is a real thing? Would someone be picked out, to be picked on? Or is just…me.

^The Doors – Love Me Two Times^

Is this the kind of shit that you want to be doing on a Sunday? And yes, it’s Sunday your fucking pack of dunderheaded dolts. Check the calender.

Or calendar

Shouldn’t you be cooking or cleaning or drinking beer and grilling? What’s with all this politics bullshit on the weekend. Of course, if you don’t keep up on weekends, these slimy fuckers might try and slide some sneaky bullshit through whilst you relax and recoup from a long and difficult work week.

Midnight Regulations
Quorum Sensing
Quorum-Quorum Busting
Unanimous Consent
Atlantic Southeast Airlines Flight 2311
Layover/Layover Rule
The Legislative Process: Calendars and Scheduling
Calendar Wednesday
Cale
Cal
Ale
Calends
Der
Dar
Arcana
Derp
Derp
Derp
Durka Durka
Ching Chong

King Kong…

went to Hong Kong

to play ping pong…

with his ding dong.

^1920’s – Quickstep Vs Charleston^

Which, that reminds me…that “cale” bit led me to…

Triticale

…and that reminded me of a documentary I watched the other day. There’s been some blokes and blokettes trying to recreate Egyptian beer. The “grain for threshing” bit in that definition reminded me of some of the things they talked about. Beer was actually a very important foodstuff. But hey, don’t take my word for it, watch it your own damn self.

^Beer: The Pharaoh’s Liquid Gold (Ancient Egypt Documentary) | Timeline^

OK…fuck this, and fuck you…Imma go watch a movie or two with a friend.

BRB

^Doo Wacka Doo (Okeh Syncopators)^

Does “nature” have any bones, and if so, can they be cracked? Wait, what am I talking about. Of COURSE nature has bones. She’s given me 206 bones on loan for an unspecified amount of time. But that’s not what I meant really. I was thinking about the easterly winds that have become so prevalent here in this part of North Texas. Yesterday morning, it got cold as fuck, and stormy as fuck. The low-level winds were from…you guessed it…

the east

Easterly winds here are unheard of, but that’s exactly what’s been happening for the past several years. It was very prominent yesterday, and the winds came in from the east for hours. So no, we aren’t talking about a rapid shift due to a storm cell’s dissipation, this was more like a front. A front, that should be coming from the north or northwest at this time of the year since we are coming out of winter into spring. But no, it’s coming from the east. Roob was kind enough to alert me to some blizzard going on somewhere else, but these winds and their direction really has me a shade baffled.

^Marlene Dietrich Ich bin von Kopf bis Fuß auf Liebe eingestellt^

How much of a shift at a certain point is required to change the direction of a flow entirely? I’m thinking about ocean gyres here, but I equate those with the same mechanics that drive our atmosphere. In this part of the world, we get winds and waters from both the Atlantic and the Pacific, and many times we get both at the same time. I’m just wondering if the stuff coming off of Africa during this 2019 hurricane season is going to have a tendency be be more southerly. Perhaps even if some hurricanes might turn south instead of turning north, and/or, the northerly tracks will be erratic and/or less predictable according to current models/modeling. We got no, and I mean NO cold northerly winds this year. The “northers” we usually get here have become much lighter and infrequent, and this year, we got none. We used to get those Siberian/Canadian winds that were so strong and cold, that they’d cut right the fuck through you when outside. Cover your fucking chest, because they suck the wind and heat right out of you. The strong westerlies in late winter have vanished too.

Hrm
^R. A. Dvorsky & Allan Trio – Hm – Hm ….1941 Swing Foxtrot !^

Extinction Rebellion appears to be a real thing.

Extinction Rebellion

I wonder if out of work heroes would create their own villains in order to get back into the job market? It didn’t work out so well for Captain Amazing in the movie ‘Mystery Men’. Watched a clip of some member of Extinction Rebellion on a TV show, the “Rebellion” dude gave some plea about how passionate he was about starving people, and the presenter told him off/called the group…

“incompetent, middle-class, self-indulgent people who want to tell us how to live our lives.”

Q: Why should starvation inspire passion?

A: ???

Don’t you have better things to be passionate about? The new Avengers movie opens soon, new Star Wars movie out later this year, the new fall fashions have already been displayed at Paris Fashion Week…fuck starving people/poor people. Let them get a job like everyone else, or die.

^UMEK & Mike Vale – Kids with Money (Ant Brooks Remix)^

If you don’t work, you don’t eat.

Well actually, if you don't work, you don't get money

So yeah, you don’t work, you don’t get paid money, and then you can’t go buy food to eat.

Prolly some taxes in there somewhere

Likely also to be some supply chains and other infrastructures embedded in there.

Gotta make sure that these existing infrastructures pay dividends
^AronChupa – I’m an Albatraoz | OFFICIAL VIDEO^

Speaking of not working/not eating, that Notre Dame cathedral? I saw that place gets 30,000 visitors per day or 13 million visitors per year. Yeah, 1 building, gets 13 million visitors per year. Think that generates any cashflows?

While entry into the cathedral is free there is a fee to climb the towers (8.50 euro).

Source = Google – 17 April 2019

€8.50 is $9.60. What’s the incentive for climbing the towers, and who is suggesting that you climb them?

Paris Info-Tours de Notre-Dame de Paris

So, there’s much more than just the church and God plugged into this building. The official visitors bureau is suggesting that the 422 steps are more than worth the €8.50 you have to pay to climb them. So if only 25% of the visitors climb the towers, that’s €27,625,000.

But what's this?

Admission to Notre Dame is free, but visitors will need tickets to enter the tower (€8.50) and the crypt (€6). Access to both is included in the price of the Paris Pass.

Source = Google – 17 April 2019

Hrm. Sounds like a money making machine.

^DVBBS & Borgeous – TSUNAMI (Original Mix)^

I wonder if the church takes donations from visitors irrespective of whether or not they pay to ascend the towers and/or descend into the crypt? I tried to do some searching for this, but the press is fucking alive with people pledging millions upon millions to rebuild the cathedral. But as the Richie Riches scramble for attention in the media, I have to wonder, are there any gift shops nearby?

The Best 10 Souvenir Shops near Souvenirs Paris Notre-Dame in Paris

Now, that’s just the “10 Best” according to Yelp, but it looks like there’s one in the main hall of the church itself as well. Or at least, there was a gift shop in the main hall of the church. I wonder where all that money they’ve been making went? Surely at least some of it went into a rainy-day fund of some kind…right? Surely the church can turn down all of these lavish/gaudy donations, and pay to rebuild the church themselves.

^Underworld – Cowgirl^

Just really weird all this talk of starving people, on the same day that I see hundreds of millions of dollars being pledged to rebuild a single church. But to be fair, we’re all jacked-in to The Matrix, and each and every node is important. Right? Pull certain pillars, and the entire structure could fall.

From the ashes.

Something will rise from the ashes.

Or something.

^MC 900 Ft Jesus – The City Sleeps^
All this shopping and ashes nonsense is giving me a headache

That said, what is it like to be…

1. Trapped in time;

2. Surrounded by evil;

3. Low on gas.

Any of that make sense?

Meh fuckit.

^Danny Elfman – March Of The Dead^

Someone mentioned “Mayan Numbers” to me recently, but I didn’t know what they meant.

Now I do

Ever heard of “BCI’s” or heard the term “BCI”?

Brain–Computer Interface

Are acronyms/knowledge of acronyms a good indicator as to what an individual knows/doesn’t know? We’re all of us “plugged in” to The Universe in some way or another. Is adding yet another interface to the existing interface like plugging a power strip into a wall socket? The source remains the same, but you can power more devices. And of course, it’s a larger draw on the source.

Digress

CIA-Library-FOIA

Sure are a lot of people plugged into that particular source. That said, I’m just wondering when you wind up stumbling over yourself. You’re jacked-in, in so many ways, via so many streams, that eventually, you encounter your own self.

COVERT ACTION: SPECIAL REPORT: SEYCHELLES INVASION

Right there, in the very first paragraph…

‘The morality of U.S. foreign policy continues to plummet.’

That’s from 1983. Wouldn’t that mean that U.S. foreign policy morality has been plummeting for 36 years? Assuming that whoever wrote this was correct, and that U.S. foreign policy morality was indeed plummeting in 1983.

Have I lost you? 

Welp, just this morning, I watched a guy on some British news program state that, starting with Africa, world starvation and human extinction is imminent. Since I personally am someone with an interest in time/time(s), I’m wondering on what basis they are establishing a timeline that pinpoints human demise. We’ve not a fucking clue where we came from, nor when, nor how. Just this week, I saw something that science is back on ponds being the original source of life, and not oceans. They’ve wafted back and forth between pond scum and ocean ooze as to which one was the source…

but they've actually no clue

So I’m wondering how it is that this Extinction Rebellion has somehow pinpointed a location on some graph that shows:

A) human extinction is inevitable, and;

B) starvation will be the mode of human extinction.

Individuals go extinct, all day, every day, and no one gives a flying fuck. Wait, what was that musing earlier about individual nodes and their importance?

^Fila Brazillia – Leonids^

You think it possible, that if we know where we came from, and when, we’ll have a better bead on when we are leaving, and how? Makes sense to me because it gives us a base, and most bases in time are a simultaneous kind of thing. If you know the beginning, you’ll know the end, and vice-versa.

But are you sure you want to know such a thing?

If I knew the exact date, place, time, and method of your own demise, would you want me to tell you? More than that, if you knew about someone else’s exact date, place, time, method of demise, are you going to tell them whether they want to know or not? You know, like, for the greater good and all that.

^Paul Van Dyk – For an angel (Original mix) [HD]^

How many atoms of oxygen/hydrogen need to be put into motion in order to generate a wave?

How many atoms of oxygen/hydrogen need to be put into motion in order to generate a detectable wave?

How many atoms of oxygen/hydrogen need to be put into motion in order to generate a discernible wave?

How many atoms of oxygen/hydrogen need to be put into motion in order to generate a wave capable of being surfed?

How many atoms of oxygen/hydrogen need to be put into motion in order to generate a wave worthy of surfing?

How many atoms of oxygen/hydrogen need to be put into motion in order to generate a wave worthy of surfing for a big-wave surfer?

Surf’s up Kahuna.

Did I lose you yet again?

Just wondering what it takes to make like-minded people, into non-likeminded people. Getting like-minded people together seems to be a step in that direction.

Yep, your salvation is your doom. You are in a big fucking hurry…

to go absolutely nowhere
^Fatboy Slim & Riva Starr Ft. Beardyman – Eat, Sleep, Rave, Repeat (Lyric Video)^

And one last thing or two here – I don’t think it’s what you don’t know, nor how to find/make distinctions as to what you know/don’t know. To me, that’s kinda what helps us to be the individuals we are. A combination of knowing and non-knowing, all nestled in our own unique environments and circumstance. Take coal for example…

(and not to make diamonds, but rather to burn) 

Different conditions make different kinds of coal that are better/worse for burning. The Titanic was said to have taken on cheap coal because of the coal strikes of the time, and this cheap coal, by causing fires in the coal bunkers, would play a role in weakening the ship’s hull during the disaster.

Osmium
Juan Manuel Fangio
Pass
Me
You (Redirected from Your)
Banjo

The assertion being, cheap coal, purchased because there was a coal strike in 1912, and this cheap coal burning in the coal bunker where it was stored, weakened the hull of the ship.

Q: Did you know any of that?

A: ?!¿

I didn’t. But I do now. And now, so do you. What that means to you personally? I’ve not a fucking clue. I know where the information came from, but you don’t. You only know that I’ve passed it along.

^Birat Bitz – Ecstasy (Original Mix)[Bass Zone Music]^

Do you wanna know more?

Do you wanna know less?

Did you want to know any of that?

Do you care about any of that which I just told you?

Can you use any of that to see how finite connections are made in what are likely to be infinite and/or eternal wholes?

At 22:42 into the video below, and going forward to 23:55, you’ll see the bit(s) that references cheap coal, coal strikes, coal bunker fires, and smoking guns.

That said, are you willing to commit to the full 1 hour 29 minutes and 54 seconds to watch the entire video? Commit to putting that bit into a contextual ordering/sequence according to this particular story’s tale? Or do you just need to know that there are in fact different types of coal that come from different environments under different conditions.

This is just me, but that’s one of the things that makes us all unique. We’ve got our bits, we’ve got our roles, and we many times get to decide what those roles are/what parts we play. Not always, but sometimes. Lots of shit came together and came apart, over some pretty long spans of time, in order for us to be talking here and now, about nothing much in particular.

^Saving the Titanic | Full Documentary^

Get funky…

Get down…
Get down to the funky beat
^Crystal Distortion – CD EP3 – B – To The Funky Beat^

cYacFa

^Rage Against The Machine – Bulls On Parade^

*******

*Whoa, that’s fucking syncy, Clicky… /pats snout… I’ve been saving Cade’s missive to post today, butt we only remote viewed that movie together last night…*

American Goods

Previously at the LoL

Recently I’ve been remote viewing ‘American Gods’ with my good friend Cade FON Apollyon, Dear Reader, and I can thoroughly recommended the series…

*I think A Void in Red Frank’s universe would enjoy it, Clicky… /lights up…*

*So would the rest of the Mero VEEPs… /drags…*

‘Christmas 2007 was the most successful trading period in Boots’ history. No surprise then that Ernie K Doe’s track became their long running musical theme. Director: Traktor (Pontus and Ola). Creative team: Susan Hosking / Peter Robertson. Creative director: Damon Collins. Agency: Mother. Year: 2007′

*2007 was a turning point, Clicky… /streams smoke…*

*Feisty and candid, I like that, Clicky… /puffs… Get a Song…*

All Wight Now

*What are you up to, Clicky? …/lights up… “spirit of the earth, gnome”?*

*Oh okay…/drags… Is this to do with me remote viewing ‘The Trap’ with Cade last night? …/swallows… Slugbop007 reminded me of it yesterday …/streams smoke… *

terry_pratchett_-_thud_0385608675

*/deep drag… Oh so you’re trolling? …/rolls eyes… I know A Void can be a bit of a cunt toward us, Clicky, butt she ain’t gonna like this…*

Further Adventures in Remote Viewing: Finding Fun Guy

I read a rather alarming report last night, Dear Reader, about a deadly fungus epidemic ‘sweeping the globe’…

*Yikes! …/lights up… I read a story once about a deadly fungus epidemic, Clicky… /drags… It scared the bejesus out me… /streams smoke…*

… Alarmed, yes, but not shocked, however, as I’d been picking up a reference to ‘fun guy’ during the remote viewing Cade and I indulged in over the last few days. It started on Thursday with a hankering to re-watch a movie I’d previously hated…

Cade and Roob remote view 1Cade and Roob remote view 2

*It’s true – I had been thinking about that movie all day, Clicky… /puffs…*

Cade and Roob remote view 3Cade and Roob remote view 4Cade and Roob remote view 5

… On Friday evening, we remote viewed two movies – ‘Galaxy Quest’,  a comedy, chosen by me…

Cade and Roob remote view 6Cade and Roob remote view 7

*I’d forgotten that one of the characters was called ‘Guy’, Clicky…/flicks ash…*

*IngerSOL? Hmm… /thinks…*

…And a movie chosen by Cade, with an unexpected ‘137’ connection…

Cade and Roob remote view 8Cade and Roob remote view 9Cade and Roob remote view 10Cade and Roob remote view 11

gerty moon

*/drags… Indeed, Spacey plays a ‘smiley face’, Clicky… /plumes smoke…*

And so, on to last night. Cade and I decided to remote view, or watch the ‘Watchmen’ movie, together…

Cade and Roob remote view 12

*/final drag… That is such a good flick, Click…*

*/snorts smoke… Who watches the watchmen, Clicky? As for epidemics of deadly fungus… /stubs butt… Seems the W.H.O. are washing their hands…*

Have a Song, Dear Reader…

Missive From ‘Merica: Rawr! What Is It Good For?

😀 Underdog Anthology 8 is now out and available to buy, Dear Reader…

…And if you ‘click’ on FREE PREVIEW, just above, you’ll be able to read my story, ‘BOGOF’ for free…

*Indeed the deal is pretty fuckin’ sweet, my lovely dolphin shaped assistant… /lights up…*

*Oh and Leggy posted one of his entries for free reading, Clicky… /drags… Excellent. That’s the sort of story you can’t stop thinking about. It does actually explain everything…*

*Aww, thanks, Clicky…/pats snout… When I chose ‘Tyger Tyger’ to mutilate for the Afterword, I had no idea what ‘orses were running in the today’s National… /streams smoke…*

…And now, Dear Reader, here is a missive from Cade. His stories in UA8 are particularly awesome reads…

Enjoy! ❤

*******

Heilig Glockenspiels Fledermauskumpel!!!

Deutschland is contemplating rearming themselves!!!

WITH NUKES!!!

^New nuclear weapons in Europe – The return of the Cold War? | DW Documentary^

Lemme know when your tits stop jiggling from the shock of that revelation, and we can then discuss the matter in a serious manner.

Deutschland is contemplating rearming themselves!!! WITH NUKES!!!

See what I did there?

I like the way you move baby.

rawr

But seriously, it seems the shoe is on the other foot. Has The USA already forgotten what lost the USSR the “Cold War” in the first place? Not that I personally think The Cold War ever ended, but it was said that we bankrupted them. Is us spending fucktons on weapons a smart thing to do? If The US and Europe has to endure another Cold War, it’s our own fucking fault. But can we endure another one? Is the US and a lot of the NATO nations prepared to lose this next Cold War? Are you ready to lead another Cold War? Are your citizens ready to fight another Cold War?

You reap what you sow?
^Exceptional Engineering – Harvesting Giants^

I’m not trying to stir your shit up. Seriously, for realz, I’m not. Just wondering what it is that we’d be fighting about. Before it was Democracy (Capitalism) vs. Communism (Socialism). But what is it now? Russia has an axe or two to grind. One, being beaten, and two being snubbed after being beaten. What do we in the West have? On what grounds do we stand? The fact that Russia may have an axe to grind? I would imagine they’d only be interested if we put them in that position.

 Digress

Lots of nations kinda lucked-out with WWII in that they were able to acquire all kinds of territories during the course of the war. But currently, we have no war. None where any real lands can be acquired in such a way that you can plant your flag, claim it as your own, and your citizens and/or allies will nod in agreement. So with that in mind, where in the fuck is this land that countries are wanting to make a grab for? Where could they be?

^The new battle for North Pole supremacy – VPRO documentary^

Yes…those are some extremely long documentaries. Yes, I am an unemployed loser who has nothing better to do than to sit around all day becoming educated and informed on things. No, I am not an authority on anything. I guess that makes me an authority on nothing. Heh…heh…heh. Wait, did I lose you there?

Q1: Without a nothing, how can a something be defined?

A1: ???

Q2: What is this razor that shaves this line from a nothing into a something?

A2: ¿¿¿

We in our Age tend to rely on the presence of certain things in order to determine was is/is not. The big one is certification(s) via established bodies.

Degrees

From Associate Degrees to Black Belts, we like to use particular foundries to temper the knowing from the non-knowing…the learned from the unlearned…the known from the unknown. Some kind of something to reflect a prowess or a deficiency in a certain area. The standard logic is that knowledge gives you smarts, and experience gives you wisdom. But what if one were to spend their life trying to avoid knowledge? And I’m talking about a person who has the ability to absorb and understand knowledge, but for whatever reason, they personally feel a need to stay away from it.

Lemme guess…a loser. A slacker. A chickenshit. A waste of space. Void. Ichabod.

^MC 900 Ft Jesus – Talking To The Spirits^

I realize that I prolly sound like Darth Vader above.

“If only you knew the power of the dark side.” – Darth Vader

Cept in my case, I seem to be espousing the power of dumb. Which I guess is also dark since everyone seems to equate knowledge with light for some odd reason. Welp, think of it like this, we in our time are hung up on causality and causal effects. We really don’t seem to give a flying fuck about what happened, and spend on our time on why a something happened. The key is, the time and timing. After. We care after. Why “before” has different motivators prior to than after. Chance. We’re willing to take chances. Play the odds. Hedge our bets via someone else’s game(s). Hide truth and truths, then roll the dice.

Me? I wanna know what’s going on in that dark.

^The Prodigy – Voodoo People (Eskimo Remix) (HQ)^

From the time I was quite young, it was drilled into me “to know God’s plan for me.” Problem is, that practical applications of this approach never seemed to work real well. The better I did, the worse off I seemed to be. I’d get to the top, only to find that this was not good enough.

WTF? 

I’m exactly where you said I should be, and yet this is not good enough? My reward is scowls and contempt?

Wait...one...fucking...second here

What if, “God’s Plan” for me personally, was for me to be “a little bit dirty, and a little bit clean”? I suck at being bad, and I suck at being good. What if I’m supposed to be good at being indifferent? I mean, to be completely honest, if “God” has a plan for me, doesn’t that mean that “Satan” or “Lucifer” or who the fuck ever has a plan for me too? I’m sick of walking the edge on these two fuckers’ sides. I’m sick of always being in peril no matter which side I choose.

I know…I’ll put a foot on each side, and see how that goes. Maybe I’ll better understand both of these dipshits, and that’ll help me better understand my own dipshitty self. That may make zero sense to you who are reading this, but it makes perfect sense to me.

But enough about me
^Todd Terje – Inspector Norse Best Live Version^

Space and spaces of all kinds is where war is headed. We gotta figure out how to do it here if we are going to figure out how to do it there. At ground level, above ground level, underground, under water, under water underground, macrowar, microwar, you name it…the current void and voids is where it will be. Gonna be smooth as fuck, and I personally cannot wait.

^DEMOU – Like Velvet^
!!! HAPPZY FRIZDAY FUCKERZ !!! 

Wrote that shit yesterday, and what was the very first fucking thing to appear in front of my fat fucking face on this fine Friday?

Paul Craig Roberts: Where Is The World Headed?

Some freaky female from a far afield felt the need to tweet that out, and it hit my eyeballs as soon as I opened Twitter this morning.

Coincidence?

“The fulminations and threats from Washington against Russia brought forth new Russian weapon systems for which the US has no match or defense, weapons that demote the US to a second-rate military power.”

What is this “fear of second”? Oh wait, we’re talking about war here.

Second = loser

But that’s not really what interests me. “The Russians” were ahead of The US in just about every way back during The Cold War, so as best I can tell at this point, is that this is prolly more about a race to Mars than it is about shooting wars. But there is The North Pole to consider. And of course Antarctica. Which speaking of, when I opened YouTube to start listening to music? Guess what was waiting for me there.

^What Buzz Saw In Antartica Frightened Him So Bad That He Tweeted These Words…^

What…Buzz…saw.

rofl

Buzzsaw. That’s funny. Not as funny as Ali G calling Buzz Aldrin “Buzz Lightyear” to his face, but funny.

Digress

Um, I admit that I’ve pondered Buzz Aldrin’s comments about “evil” for some time now. Seeing something you do not understand is likely going to immediately cause one to qualify it as “evil”. Especially if you are seeing some things that I’m assuming that he saw.

EX: If you are looking at a flower with the naked eye, and you suddenly start seeing the genetic makeup of that same flower from the beginning of time to the end of time, you are likely going to be confused as fuck as to what you are seeing. And I’m talking about every genetic mutation/variation that took place from the beginning of time, that led up to the creation of this particular flower, and every genetic mutation/variation that will take place from now until the end of time.

So yeah, you see the entirety of eternity through the window of this one flower, and you see it in a very short period of time. Like running a movie backwards and forwards at the same time, on fast forward both ways, and you see the entirety in the span of a few seconds.

Now, if you have some context, some of what you see may make sense. Like say, you’ve seen this particular movie before, you may be able to pick out some things that make sense, but overall, it’s a fucking mess. But what if you’ve never seen this movie before? Yeah, it’s likely that none of it will make sense. Especially if this is not an experiment that you personally have setup.

It’s something that…just happens…while you are looking at a flower. Or maybe looking at some something in Antarctica. Or looking for some something in Antarctica.

^Nine Inch Nails – Down In It lyrics^

I know…you prolly think it impossible for someone to see anything like what I just described. Even tho I just described it, and I personally see it, you still think it impossible.

Q: Are you possible?

A: ?¿?

I’mpossible too.

^Republica – Ready to Go (Official Video)^

If there is a God, you really think this fat-headed fuck wants to throw people into some place of eternal suffering forever? I mean yeah, they prolly wanna throw me into some place of eternal suffering for calling them a fat-headed fuck, but I’m talking about your average person. Just wondering, if God is wanting to damn them, why in the fuck are you trying to save them? More than that, why aren’t they trying to save themselves? Are you prepared for “the tough questions”? Or you just gonna shrug them off. What about the tough answers. You ready for those? Yeah, I dunno either.

I guess we'll see
^empirion – The Dark Inside me^

Maybe your own warlike state and warlike inclinations are what keeps you from this enlightenment you seek?

/me shrugs
^The Prodigy – Funky Shit (Live At Red Square, Moscow – Russia 1997)^

Does this list piss you off? Not complete enough? Too subjective? Too many omissions? Includes shit you don’t agree with? Wanna fight about it?

^Evolution of Electronic Music – 1955 to 2017 (V2)^

cYacFa

^The Avalanches – ‘Frontier Psychiatrist’^

*******

*No idea what you mean… /stubs butt… Could you fetch a Song to finish with, Clicky…*

Until next time, Dear Reader… Have a Song 😀

*Hmm… Underdog Anthologies are the perfect loo reads, Clicky…*