New Ham Let: ‘Cos Play’s The Fing

*/lights up… Afternoon, Clicky… /drags… Feeling Old Skool, are we? …/streams smoke…*

I saw a tweet earlier today, Dear Reader…

*’rollie stone’… /:D… *

Franglish Monkey Sync Sense goes for Smiles

Having a fascination with ‘signs’ and ‘syncs‘, I was interested to see, just how far the UK had “sunk”, so I clicked and started to read

‘ROLLING Stones guitarist Keith Richards proved he’s still got plenty of puff left — after being given permission to smoke on stage.

‘The 74-year-old rocker was seen having a crafty cigarette during the band’s show in London this week — aptly called their No Filter tour.

‘He was cheered by the crowd of 70,000 at The London Stadium in Stratford as he lit up, flouting the strict no smoking rule.’

GOSH

*/thinks and smokes… 70,000 people applauding the lighting of a cigarette, against the rules? In a stadium, Clicky, some believe hosted a magikal ceremony… /smokes and thinks… I wonder if the magik was intended as a one-off thing, or if the potential lingers longer than anticipated?*

*Butt then aren’t we all born a bit slippy, Clicky? …/blows smoke rings…*

The next bit of the article I found particularly interesting, Dear Reader – the Local Authority expounds on the issue…

‘But Newham Council said it would not be taking any action because smoking was part of the act. ‘Smoking on stage is permitted “where the artistic integrity of a performance makes it appropriate for a person to smoke”, therefore no action will be taken,’ it added.’

*As You Like it… /final drag… Underworld may have directed the music but Shake Sphere’s Tempest formed the basis of that magikal ceremony in 2012, Clicky… /fills air with smoke… And he’s still going…*

ode-by-a-smoking-brexiteer

*Smoking is an art, Clicky… /stubs butt… Sonnet 6+6+6… Ya Ken?*

Time for a Song, Dear Reader. Enjoy rest rest of Whitsun ❤

*Really, Clicky? I’d have had money on you going with a Stones Song…*

Marvel Loose Sat-Ear-Day

Apparently, there was a high profile wedding going on yesterday…

*Close enough, Clicky…*

… I couldn’t face the whole… */searches for appropriate word* … utter BOLLOCKS! of it all, Dear Reader…

… In hopes to avoid it, and prompted by Thing 2, I caught up on some movies he’d seen but that I had neglected to watch. During a rambling kitchen conversation on Friday evening, whilst he toasted and I buttered bagels, Kit Kat gave me a list of three to see, starting with…

*Thaw… /lights up… Blue Frank… /drags… has an interesting post up on his ‘Ice Age Theory’ today, Clicky… /streams smoke…  Oh that’s reminds me, I got Iceland in the World Cup Sweepstake at work… /rolls eyes…*

I enjoyed watching Thor, so proceeded to watch his next suggestion, ‘Spiderman Homecoming’, and was surprised to see that Michael Keaton was in it…

*Oh! Best Batman! …/drags… After Adam West… /thinks… He plays ‘The Vulture’ in this flick Clicky, an arms dealer… /blows cloud of smoke…*

Now, you may have spotted a theme in Kit Kat’s ‘Educating Mum’ movie selection, Dear Reader…

Marvel (n.)

‘c. 1300, “miracle,” also “wonderful story or legend,” from Old French merveille “a wonder, surprise, miracle,” from Vulgar Latin *miribilia (also source of Spanish maravilla, Portuguese maravilha, Italian maraviglia), altered from Latin mirabilia “wonderful things,” from neuter plural of mirabilis“wonderful, marvelous, extraordinary; strange, singular,” from mirari “to wonder at,” from mirus“wonderful” (see smile). A neuter plural treated in Vulgar Latin as a feminine singular. Related: Marvels.’

… Sew his last recommendation turned out to be particularly ‘synchy’…

*/flicks ash… Who’d have thought that I’d finally succumb …/drags… and watch the one fucking film I’d been avoiding on Malcolm X Day, Clicky! …/snorts smoke…*

*Yikes! …/deep drag… Let’s wrap this up, Clicky…*

Anyhoo, Dear Reader, until next time… Have a Song… ❤

Missive From ‘Merica: So Long and SoPi

My good friend Cade, the Okie Devil from Textus, sent through a new missive for us last night, Dear Reader. But first… some sad news: smoking internet pal, Nik Nak…

nik nak

… died yesterday. The news of his passing broke in the Blue universe today via Frank. More tender words and remembrances of our stalwart friend can be found via Leggy, Bucko and Grandad

*/lights up… hope Dear Reader goes and read the comments too, Clicky… /drags… He will be missed… /smokes… I expect Smoky Drinky’ll be heaving tonight…*

*******

Let's find some work!

Ripley: Hey, I feel like kind of a fifth wheel around here. Is there anything I can do?

Apone: I don’t know, is there anything you can do?

Movie = Aliens

^The Beatles – Paperback Writer^
So...where do I start?

Craigslist is infested with data/information leeches and scammers, newspapers are going to require me to subscribe and/or pay. I don’t trust Monster nor Dice since they’ve gone through so many acquisitions that I don’t even know who they are anymore, so…where do I start?

The Best Search Engines of 2018

Blech!

Let’s take a step backwards, start from the beginning, and find out what I can do.

I know how to operate a cash register and have worked at jobs handling cash.

I know logistics and have warehouse experience.

I know how to fuel airplanes.

I know customer support, have done help desk, desktop support and phone support.

I know technical writing.

I know software development and programming…

 but I haven't done it in forever.

I’m gonna stop there, because what I really need is an old copy of my resume, and I currently have no way of getting to it since it’s sitting on the hard drive of a computer that doesn’t work anymore. Hell, it may be gone forever if the hard drive doesn’t work.

Fuck this noise 😦
^depeche mode – work hard (1983)^

Let’s share what I’ve seen on Craigslist lately…

Resistance/Liberal Contributors Wanted For New Humor Site

No pay – “Exposure” only.

😦

We need readers

They don’t want me to respond via Craigslist? Seems shady, but $16-$32 a day to read books? I could likely read 2-4 books a day quite easily. But then I have to write a review and, since I’m being paid, that means that I’ll be gleaning the turds for peanuts in order to find something remotely palatable to write about. I mean, they are going to want positive reviews, kind words, shit that sells books: no one wants a paid reviewer shitting atop their shit pile. That would be an ex-cess-ively shitty mess.

PC Gamers: we’re looking for writers

This appears to be another non-paying gig, and I’m going to have to spend untold hours playing a game that might suck-ass. Then I’ve got to review it. But what if the game is good, but I’m terrible at it? Would that make for a good review?

“HEY! THIS GAME IS AWESOME! But I suck at it.”

Immediate openings for P/T writing positions – Top Pay ($30/hr!)

Suddenly…I feel like the character from the movie “What Women Want”. I’m wearing pantyhose lined with panty-liners and/or maxi-pads around the house, all day, just to make $30.

Video Captioning – Earn Up To $390/week – Work From Home (Work from Home)

“Staying fresh in the workplace.”

…she says. Since when is there even a line between the home and the workplace? Go to your bathroom, take a gander around, and you are likely to see more logos and advertisements than you would see on a 15 minute drive in an urban area, even if the radio is on.

Go to your kitchen. Take a gander at your appliances. Open the fridge. Open the pantry. Advertisements and advertising have LONG invaded the home via more than just television and radio. So I would argue that “staying fresh in the workplace” really isn’t that difficult. Not to mention that “keeping up” is just more advertising for more revenue streams. Certifications aren’t free, nor is the process of getting them.

Let's abandon this ship. 

It’s long since sailed.

^TOTAL IDIOTS AT WORK^
Let's go with recent experience to start...

Recent Experience: Thinking. Writing. More thinking. Blabbing nonsense on Twitter with a few friends.

And yep...more thinking.

That shit don’t pay, so let’s stop dilly-dallying, crank up MS Paint, and start making some attempts at…

SoPi-H

Q: Can magnetics be used to focus?

A: Ever heard of a compass?

Simple.

NO!

I mean within the mind.

Within the body.

Q: What tools do we have available to us in order to better navigate our daily challenges better?

A: Time. Can't do jack shit without the time to do it in.

But you gotta keep some things in mind.

Bird Migration

Birds seem to know where to go, how long to stay there, when to go somewhere else, and where to go. So let’s stretch that out a bit. Let’s stretch it out say…over the course of a spring/summer/fall.

Spring is coming. You are a bird that migrates up north as the weather warms. However, back at the place you just left – unbeknownst to you – some contractor just started a new project to build town homes over the next 6-8 months. When August/September rolls around, and you begin your journey all the way back to your wintering grounds, you’ve no idea that when you get there, your home is going to be gone.

Fucking squatters.
^Missy Elliott – Work It (Official Video)^

SO!!! How do we navigate our own minds within and without? Visualization sometimes helps. But most of the more modern tools are too linear, and most of the old “mysteries” kinds of things are too static or vague. I need something more fluid. Less rigid, but solid.

Solid like air. Solid like water.

Everything is contextual with fluids. Go fast enough? Air will burn you like a charcoal briquette, and water will break every bone in your body. And yet… a breeze at the right time is like a cuddle from the sweetest of lovers, and a splash of water at the right time can cool and refresh. I’m not trying to invent a steering wheel for the soul; there are PLENTY of fucks willing to tell you what to do with that thing.

Nope, this is more about how spirit and mind get us through the things we encounter. We like to think that almost everything is either positive or negative; good or bad; right or wrong; correct or incorrect; but it’s all those things. Hence, I think we spend most of our time in a state of indifference.

EX: Buy/Don’t buy. Sell/don’t sell. Walk/don’t walk. Run/don’t run.

We don’t like to think of ourselves as indifferent because it seems too wishy-washy. And yet…

decisions, decisions, decisions.

So yeah, indifference…we hang out there a lot methinks. Our secret lover.

^Work For Love – Ministry^
SoPi-H – Iteration 01
SoPi-H – Iteration 02
SoPi-H – Iteration 03
SoPi-H – Iteration 04
SoPi-H – Iteration 05a
SoPi-H – Iteration 05b
SoPi-H – Iteration 06a
SoPi-H – Iteration 06b

So yeah… SoPi-H. That’s it. That’s them. That’s…what it is…what they are…

whatever.
^Fifth Harmony – Work from Home ft. Ty Dolla $ign^

Drawing this shit from the hip, and not trying to be so goddamn perfect, sometimes aptly displays why I’m not always “all about shit lining up perfectly” or according to some rigid set(s) of specifics. As the perspective changes, so does the outlook on “what lines up…and what don’t”.

EX: SoPi-H_03 doesn’t look so bad. However, when you turn it 90° to make SoPi-H_04? Yeah…the wonkyness is MUCH more apparent.

The personification of indifference with respect to decision making.

The “defect” was always there, you just had to approach from the correct angle/perspective in order to see it. It looked great here, but not so much later. So if you’ve attached your anchor to a certain principle, what happens when you take a look at that principle from another angle?

Q: Are you locked in?

A: !!!

It’s like finding a defect in clothing after you already purchased it, removed all the tags, you wear it for the first time, and you or someone else notices something about the garment later. I mean the fucking thing looked just fine on the rack.

FUCK!!!

How in the HELL does something like this get past quality control at the place that manufactured it? Why would a retailer not check their own stock for defects prior to making it available for sell?

What I did there...do you see it?
^deadmau5 – Hyperlandia^

cYa | cFa
^The Beatles – A Day In The Life^

*******

Dear Reader… Have a Song… ❤

 

Sumfin’ Fishy: A Roob/Click Convo Fragment

*Has your boat come in, Clicky? …/rolls eyes… Funny, I can’t smell any fish… /sniffs...*

*/blank stare… Nope, you’ve lost me… /flicks lighter…*

*/lights up… Catch much fish in a dead pool, Clicky? …/deep drag…*

*Fuck! That a hell of a fish tail… /taps ash… Nekked, eh? Wouldn’t want that nosying around your wahoo… /puffs…*

Who Noob Tales: Nine Lives… No, Really

I am having a long weekend, Dear Reader. I spent yesterday daytime making final edits to stories in the soon-to-be-published ‘Underdog Anthology V: Six in Five in Four’. Leggy has a preview, in which he includes one of his stories from the book…

Old Peculier on the neighbours cat

*/grins… How peculiar, Clicky… /lights up…*

peculiar (adj.)

mid-15c., “belonging exclusively to one person,” from Latin peculiaris “of one’s own (property),” from peculium “private property,” literally “property in cattle” (in ancient times the most important form of property), from pecu “cattle, flock,” related to pecus “cattle” (see pecuniary). Meaning “unusual” is first attested c. 1600 (earlier “distinguished, special,” 1580s; for sense development, compare idiom). Related: Peculiarly.

wiki peculier

*’Also KT and KH’…/drags… No shit! …/streams smoke… *

Then last night Cade and I resumed his introduction to Doctor Who, and also caught up with Leggy and Poppy… Les amis…

Poppy and Roob discuss Cades Who Introductory Course 1

Poppy and Roob discuss Cades Who Introductory Course 2Poppy and Roob discuss Cades Who Introductory Course 3Poppy and Roob discuss Cades Who Introductory Course 4

rare doctor who hand flap

*/flicks ash… Knot a favourite episode, Clicky… /drags… although, excellent use of a jammie dodger… /blows smoke rings… I’d forgotten about that…*

Poppy and Roob discuss Cades Who Introductory Course 5

Poppy and Roob discuss Cades Who Introductory Course 6Poppy and Roob discuss Cades Who Introductory Course 7

*Like the villain, House, in The Doctor’s Wife, Clicky, Daleks are a bit like a sea anemone… /puffs… “hard on the outside, squishy on the inside”… I hadn’t made that connection before… /taps teeth…*

Anyhoo, in honour of Old Peculier’s neighbour’s cat, Dear Reader, and seeing as a ‘cat‘ won today’s Grand National, I thought I’d take a leaf out of Leggy’s book – pun intended – and post one of my stories from UAV. It’s short and called ‘Nine Lives’. The Knot-Sew confidential making of it can be found here. Enjoy!

*******

NINE LIVES

Karl sat at his kitchen table, smoking and observing the tendrils of early morning mist gently tickle the tops of the garden hedge, before continuing their soft creep to the ground. It was dark outside but the lawn glittered with stars; pregnant dew drops nestling in the grass caught the thin, amber light that spilled from the kitchen window. He stubbed out his cigarette and gulped back the last dregs of cold tea from his mug with a grimace. Not long now, Karl thought, she’ll be home soon. Outside the mist started to swirl and pool.

He stood up and stretched, bones creaking and knees popping as if to salute the end of his vigil. He fleetingly considered that he was getting too old for this malarkey, but she needed a watcher – someone to light the way back. He could bear the discomfort; it was only for the night. Karl rubbed his eyes under his glasses, and dragged his hands down over bristled cheeks to wipe any tiredness away. He contemplated putting the kettle on when he heard the first high pitched bark puncturing the dark. The second got him moving. “Not the foxes again!”

As he opened the back door, the wet slap of morning air to hit Karl’s face was accompanied by a rude crash and skitter of a dustbin lid falling, somewhere in the mist. She’s coming from the right, he thought, opening the door wider to peer out into the murk. More barks, louder this time, and a fiery hiss, were followed by the sound of clambered wood, as the garden fence shook violently. Karl held the door further ajar, and a white streak shot out of the mist and between his legs, into the kitchen.

Karl closed the door on the mist and the foxes who, by the sound of it, were now rummaging through next door’s bin for tasty scraps. He turned to the slight figure, lying on the kitchen floor. “For goodness sake, Lara, do you have to tease the foxes? It upsets the neighbours.”

“It upsets the bins,” Lara replied, lightly panting as she rolled over and attempted to sit up. “No, they were waiting for me. Foxes are not called cunning for nothing, Karl.”

“Yes, but they usually leave you alone when you’re hedge riding.”

Lara sighed. “It would seem witches aren’t held in much esteem these days. Not by people or wildlife.”

Karl surveyed the flush in his wife’s cheeks and her glittering eyes, and thought she still looked pretty formidable considering her advanced years. He also noticed the shudder in her arm propping her up. “You should get off the floor. What would you like, sofa or chair?” he asked, scooping her up, with barely a tremble from his own geriatric limbs.

“Sofa,” Lara replied with a wan smile. “Thank you, dear. And a cuppa and a ciggie wouldn’t go amiss either.”

“Funnily enough, I was just about to put the kettle on,” Karl replied, before lowering his wife, so she could reach out and pluck the cigarette packet and lighter from the kitchen table. A fat bead of blood splashed onto the surface below, quickly followed by another. “You’re injured?”

“Damn foxes.” Lara winced and drew her arm back toward her chest. “One of them managed to get a mouthful of armpit. I don’t think it’s too deep. Just stings a bit.”

“But you’re bleeding,” Karl said gruffly. Too gruffly, he feared, from the look his wife shot him. “Okay, let’s get you comfortable and then I can clean that up,” he continued in a more conciliatory tone, before carrying her through to the front room.

Karl noticed that Lara was already on her second cigarette when he returned five minutes later, to set out a bowl of hot water, soap, flannel and towel on the carpet before her. “Kettle’s on for tea,” he said kneeling down. He adjusted his glasses and gingerly started to lift Lara’s elbow. “Can’t let it get infected, how would we explain that to Dr Patel?”

“I can always change back so you can take me to a vet,” Lara replied sharply, pulling away from his grasp.

She must be in great pain, Karl thought. “Come now, dear, we don’t have pet insurance. We don’t own a pet.” Lara’s eyes briefly flashed at his riposte, but her body relaxed and she allowed him to lift her arm. “So apart from getting into a fight with some foxes…”

“Ambushed by some foxes,” Lara quickly corrected him.

“Sorry, ambushed by some foxes on the way home, how was the rest of your night?”

Lara took a deep drag from her cigarette. “Well it started off okay,” she said, billowing a great cloud of smoke. “I went to see Annie and girls down at Saint Michael’s.”

“And how are Annie and the girls?” Karl asked as he cleaned her wound of blood.

“Dead.”

“Naturally.” Any bleeding seemed to have stopped, but the swelling around the punctures had already started to bruise, turning an angry black mauve that only truly flourished on elderly skin. Karl stopped himself flinching at the sight. “You’d think they’d get themselves a spirit cat.”

“They’ve got a spirit cat,” Lara gently rebuked him with a chuckle.

“A ghost cat, then.” Karl smiled at her mirth. “You know what I mean.”

“Oh a ghost cat would be just as stuck as they are. Graveyards are lonely places, Karl. The residents like the company and the gossip. Especially the newly interred. Once the funeral is over, they rarely get more than a yearly visit from any family. If that.” Lara finished her cigarette and stubbed it out in the ashtray perched on the arm of the sofa. “How’s it looking?”

“Ugly but clean. It’ll need some arnica,” Karl replied, rising carefully to his feet. “That’s in the kitchen. Besides, the kettle must have boiled by now. No, no. You stay there. I’ll go.”

Lara laughed and shooed him away with her good arm before reaching for the cigarettes and lighter.

Karl could hear swearing from outside the back door; Jim must be up and found the aftermath of the fox fracas. Karl popped the kettle on and grabbed the arnica and some aspirin from the medicine cupboard, chuckling at the string of expletives emanating from over the garden fence. He glanced out the window to see that sunrise was already burning off the mist that had been so thick an hour or so ago. It looked like it could be a lovely day.

The sound of the front doorbell caught him off guard. Who would be calling at this hour? Karl wondered and went to open the front door. Through the frosted glass he could make out the shape of a woman in a bright pink dressing gown. What could she want? Karl thought as he unlocked and opened the door. “Morning Celia. Is everything alright?”

“Oh Karl,” his next door neighbour cried, her face puffy and contorted with distress. “Karl, I’m so sorry if I’ve woke you,” Celia started to apologise. “There was some trouble with foxes in our garden last night. I don’t know if you heard any of it.”

“No,” Karl lied. “But I heard Jim swearing earlier. Did they make much of a mess?”

Celia looked distraught at the suggestion. “Well yes, but…” she trailed off with a sob. “Karl, it’s Lara. I’m so sorry. They killed your cat.” Celia had not come empty handed; she held out a bundle, wrapped neatly in a towel, out in front of her.

Karl felt an icy chill bloom from the crown of his head and cascade down his body. “Thank you,” he said numbly, taking the bundle from Celia’s shaking hands.

“I’m so, so sorry,” Celia continued but Karl had already shut the front door. He felt the lightness of the bundle in his arms. It felt so slight.

“Lara?” Karl called as he carried it through to his wife, but the front room was empty. He laid the bundle on the sofa and sat down next to it. A spiral of smoke floated up from the ashtray perched on the arm. Karl turned and picked up the last of the burning cigarette and with trembling fingers, finished his smoke.

*******

I’m off now to introduce Cade to Thoughtful Man’s favourite companion, Dear Reader…

Clara

*/winks…*

Have a Song ❤

HBD Dr One! From The Okie Devil & RBD2

Two things, Dear Reader…

*No, Clicky… /flicks lighter… two items to cover off in this post… /lights up…*

First up, the soon to be published Underdog Anthology V has finally got a title…

*Knot quite… /puffs… Similar, Clicky…*

Six in Five in Four

Leggy tells me there will be 20 stories in all, not including the Foreword and Afterword, which I guess makes…

1260827856769

*/drags… twenty-two… /squints… and knot Tutu, Clicky… /taps ash…*

I have two stories included: ‘Nine Lives‘ and a new ‘Harry‘ story called, ‘Jackanory Jackalope’…

jacka_gif_by_nymla-d8r8ffl

*/coughs … It’s a spring-time book, Clicky… /clears throat… There has to be a rabbit…*

… In witch, the Legend of the Jackalope is recounted by a…

My good friend, Cade, who has three fantabulous stories in UAV, imparted the legend to me. I hope I’ve been able to do it justice ❤

4ff1399596a83ae049d3575ee7ee5aba

*Okay… /drags… thanks for keeping me on track, Clicky… /blows smoke ring…*

The second thing, Dear Reader, is to say a big, fat ‘Happy Birthday’ to The Underdog

Dr One

… And to give him his pressie, made by Cade, from both of us. Leggy may recognise the lyrics 😉

*My besties are SO fucking clever and talented, Clicky… /stubs butt… I AM the luckiest woman in the whirled…*

*Yes, you too, Clicky… /pats snout…*

Five Alive? Defo!

*Ah cool image, Clicky… /pat snout… Actually my hair hasn’t looked like that once this week… /lights up…*

Dear Reader, I have been on holiday these last couple of days, and have finally managed to write my short story about a hedge riding hag

feather powered happiness

*I am pretty happy with the result, Clicky…/puffs…*

…and have submitted it to Leggy for inclusion in the upcoming ‘Underdog Anthology V‘. The story is called ‘Nine Lives’…

*I’ve still got time to mutilate a poem for the Afterword before I go back to work, Clicky… /drags… If I can find the right one… /billows smoke…*

I was also able to spend some time yesterday in the Blue universe. Frank Davis had been snooping around New York, after reading about the proposed bill to stop people from smoking whilst walking the streets of that fair city

*They’re fucking unbelievable! …/flicks ash… First you can’t smoke inside, and now the utopian dreamers are trying to dictate where and how you can smoke outside… /deep drag… Nasty Not-sees indeed… /sighs…*

He was looking at street signs there and came across one that had him perplexed…

‘Just a few yards away was another really weird sign. I think it was some sort of aphorism. But I couldn’t make out what it said, because it seemed to be written in bleeding, dripping letters that said something like Afraid And Dead. I guess that if you were crossing 2nd Avenue and you stopped to try to figure out what the scary sign meant, you’d find out when you got hit by a truck.’

It puzzled me, too; however, the photo Frank included was somewhat fuzzy, so I sent Clicky off for a closer inspection…

sign for blue frank

*Much better but it still looks like worshipers or sumfin’ to me, Clicky… /drags deeply… In sinister black… /snorts smoke…*

… and find an answer.

school for deaf street sign new york

*Those are hands!*

hans gruber

*/reads slowly… School For Deaf …/squints… Dept of Transport… /final drag… Oh! The yellow buses! It’s a bus stop sign, Clicky! … /streams smoke…*

applause sign

*Alright, don’t take the piss… /stubs butt… Well done you, though, on working it out… There’s a good assistant… /pats snout…*

It was a sign for deaf school children, Dear Reader…

…As my good friend, Cade, might say…

‘MYSTERY SOLVED! NEXT!’

music sign

*Okay then…/lights up… And as you’re such a clever Clicky, you can choose…*

Dear Reader… Have a Song 😀