Missive From ‘Merica: Well ‘Aunted

UA9 Cover.jpg

*Oh that looks lush, Clicky! …/lights up… Has Leggy loaded it yet? …/drags… Excellent! Ooh look, a ‘237’ sync… /plumes smoke… So, £2.37 equates to dollars, three? …/smokes… Marvelous value!* 

Dear Reader, the LoL is pleased to announce that Underdog Anthology IX: Well Haunted…

innit tho.gif

*Yes, Clicky…*

… Is now available for you to enjoy.  It’s the third Halloween volume Leg Iron Books has published…

*/flicks ash…*

… And will be sure to make you…

… Soil yourself, which is why we’re delighted today to host a new missive from the Okie Devil of Text US, who’s thoughtfully provided some handy toilet tips…

*Aye, Clicky, it’s good stuff…*

… Meet you at the bottom, Dear Reader… 😉

*******

giphy

Kinda weird stumbling across that image. Just the other day I was working on my own “two-fold and cross” method. Meaning, the method for folding the paper prior to contact with the soiled crack.

Six to eight sheets

join ends of entire length

join ends of entire length a second time

join two corners at 45° angle.

This gives enough coverage + enough padding without risk of breakthrough. Best part, is that with this configuration, you can wipe/fold, wipe/fold, wipe/dispose. Usually at least three good wipes out of 8 sheets, and it folds nice so there’s little risk of….trauma.

The resulting wad of soiled paper that goes in the toilet can be thick tho. If you just had chili or curry, and you have to use multiple wads, a flush might be in order. A clogged toilet when you’ve got runny poops almost seems to go against nature. And it could get messy quick if you don’t have a plunger handy.

That defeats the purpose of attempting to be efficient with the paper
^Fergal Freeman / Call of the Mystic (Enchanted Mix)^

Another pro-toilet tip?

Never mix fluids/discharge(s)

Like, never blow your nose with toilet paper whilst shitting. You may get confused as to which end has been wiped, and which has not. Would suck to wipe your ass then blow your nose with the same paper because you were multitasking. Not everything “efficient” is worth the risk.

FYI
^deadmau5 – Bad Selection^

Summer is over. Just thought you should know in the event you weren’t paying attention.

And yes, summer is also over for you folks in the Southern Hemisphere too, even tho it hasn’t even started yet. Sorry, but this year you’re just gonna have to tough out winter like us normal humans in the north.

Merry Christmas
^Summer Breeze Seals and Croft^

You spend most of your time in a rectangular room. You’re surrounded by rectangular walls with rectangular doors and rectangular windows, and you move upon and about a rectangular floor, with a rectangular roof above you. Your brain is likely to get somewhat accustomed to processing rectangular geometric information(s). When you venture away from that environment, your being is likely to be somewhat flooded with all kinds of new and interesting stuff.

Q: What if you are blind? Deaf?

A: Gotta get you away from those eyes of yours

Not permanently, just a temporary vacation. Your ears are likely to process a good deal of spacial information. Gonna be kind of a passive thing, but density, distance and relative position is also going to be processed by those big-assed ears of yours. Yes, your ears are fucking huge.

Sorry, someone had to tell you, so it may as well be me

Anyway, the topic of processing spacial information came up today, and the basis was the processing of contextual geometric information(s). Making distinctions as to what should and should not be in a certain somewhere, peculiarities, anomalies, etc.. Maybe even those things that can be in a certain somewhere, but these things themselves contain embedded information that is out of place. How we process geometric information, and what “geometric” even means with respect to processing shape data and/or shaped information.

Let's break out to elaborate
^Hotknife / Time to Party (Original Mix)^
You may recognize this shape



But what about this variant?

Now, before I go too much further, those two images have some very specific meaning(s). One appears to mean “Jesus Freak”, and the other appears to mean “Semi-Woke Jesus Freak”. I would imagine the second is an “answer”…

to this shape



Or maybe this shape

The first image gave us a base of geometric understanding…

and things mutated 



and evolved



from there

So with respect to processing information, it’s prolly not just/only a matter of learning to make a distinction between known and unknown. We need to make considerations for uncertainty, irregularity, one-off(s), intentionals, unintentuals, mutative/change(s), all kinds of strangeness(es), and of course…time(s).

What does any of that have to do with processing shape information and/or shaped information? I dunno. Guess it depends on what you are looking at/for, and why. Maybe also what you are not looking at/for and why. Yeah…prolly both of those.

Just a matter of time(s)
^Avoure – Aura^

Strange way for two parties to have a conversation, eh? Back and forth over who is right/wrong based on what is basically a preschool drawing of a fish.

At least they're talking
^3/10 Lollercoaster – Melleefresh vs. deadmau5 @ Traffik, Montreal, 25-11-2006^

Lets say that you are looking at a planet, and you are looking for signs of life.

Where to start? 

Mirrors? Mirrors suck. What you personally see in the mirror on a daily basis is in no way, shape or form anything like life. Certainly not representative of life as a whole. Just you and your whole life. You aren’t the center of the universe.

Where was I? 

Oh yeah, looking for life on another planet. Nothing good going on here on Earth/Terra, so we gotta look elsewhere. With that in mind, chances are good that you are looking for something foreign to this planet. But what would that look like? When was the last time you went walking in an open field, completely unfettered, unhinged, and totally off the hook?

Have you ever? 

Don’t get too reliant upon that television if you don’t have to. That thing misses a lot of nuance. Shaped information. Only so much you can see because whatever you are watching has passed through many filters before getting to you. Maybe you aren’t thinking correctly with respect to searching for something that doesn’t appear to be there. Maybe it’s there, and you just aren’t seeing it. Or hearing it. Or feeling it.

^Saltwater (Original) by Chicane^

Hey, I’m just trying to maybe get you to think about how you think, and especially as thinking relates to the processing of geometric shapes. Might keep you safe if you’re running naked through a field, and the shape of a bus suddenly appears in your FOV. If the bus-shape is blurry, stop running. If the bus-shape/image stays blurry, you might want to take evasive action/start running away from this shape.

Don’t ask me what in the fuck a bus in doing in the middle of a field. There’s a naked person running through this field, so this particular field appears to be a field that attracts some weird shit.

^Hotknife vs Mister Tee / Take A Stand (Orignal Mix)^

I must pee. The bathroom…

the door is pulled to, but not closed.

The light…off.                                                            The exhaust fan…on.

Something horrible has happened in there, and it happened only recently.

Q: Do you wish to proceed?

A: ???

Life is a story-book adventure, all day, every day, whether you realize it or not.

^Tiny Dancer – Deadmou5 Remix (Elton John)^
I'm getting old in my old age
^Melleefresh vs DJ Kez & Karol N / Pussy (Original Mix)^

Is a looping echo of charitable sentiments indicative of a failure of past benevolent processes? Perhaps even an indication that no real attempts have been made to permanently resolve the need for a certain philanthropic something? I’ll give an example of what I’m thinking here…

The United Way raised $21,700 in its first year of operation. The year? 1887.

The United Way raised $3.919 billion in 2018 (fiscal year ended June 2019).

That's an increase of 18,059,907% in 132 years

Now, adjusted for inflation, that 1887 money is supposedly $586,491.61 in 2019 dollars. But I have to wonder what 2019 dollars will be valued at in the year 2151, which is 132 years from now. Did some reading, and the US GDP was $12.6 billion in 1887, which means that one single US charity in 2018CE raised around 1/3 of the entire country’s 1887CE GDP. Let’s see what $3.919 billion was worth in 1887.

$105,919,844,315.79

Is it possible that $3.919 billion in today’s money is going to be worth almost $106 billion in 2151CE? I have no idea, and I guess it would depend on who you ask. Don’t ask anyone from a local church or anyone from Extinction Rebellion. Pretty sure they’re all convinced everyone and everything will be dead in 2151CE. Oh, and to add some additional perspective to those numbers, the current US President is said to have a net worth of around $3.1 billion as of March 2019CE.

^cube v3 – 5 days + nights with the LA horde^

From the United Way website…

“United Way fights for the health, education, and financial stability of every person in every community.”

United Way fights. United Way...fights

Not only are you and yours fighting, looks like you’re fighting anyone and everyone, everywhere. Prolly would be considered “PC” of me to suggest that you remove “fight”. Prolly more important that you lose the fighting mentality. Who and what are these forces you are fighting? What is driving them? Big corporations? Big interests? Big dollars?

It's easy to pick on the big dogs
^Chris Brown & Benny Benassi – Beautiful People^

We treat you like “this” because you are a woman.

We treat you like “this” because you are a man.

We treat you like “this” because you are…a human?

Is it the ordering?

Watched a doc earlier this week that kinda touched on a lot of the peculiarities that I wrestle with regarding nomenclatures and the implied behavioral protocols that they can sometimes imply.

But, you’re free to watch the doc then make up your own determinations as to how you treat someone and why. Or not.

Whatevz
^Intersex – redefining gender | DW Documentary^

I’m not sure what to think about this. Had some thoughts recently about who can utilize infrastructure(s) to make money and why…

...but yeah, not sure what to think about this

Cept maybe that the à la carte model is being forced via any and all means.

^Demonetization by You Tube of Technical Content on the Blancolirio Channel^

Does steam “open the pores”? Open the pores of the skin. I would assume “heat” does this/helps this, so a hot bath or shower opens the pores.

Is this really a good idea tho?

Open the pores, slather on soap(s), scrub it in, embed bits of these “cleansers” and their different pieces and parts, then cool off and trap that shit in the pores of the skin? Lemme guess…

”it doesn't work like that”

Was thinking about washing in cold water, and it occurred to me that maybe perhaps the skin contracting and getting all those goose-bumps because you’re freezing your ass off, might be a design consideration. As it pertains to functionality. We’re trying to get stuff off our bodies, not get stuff in our bodies.

Or something
^Deadmau5 – Jaded || HD^

Well this is quite the eye opener. I only recently was pondering/wrote about arrays of aircraft because of some things that I saw back in 2013 and again in 2015, but I had no idea “they” were actually doing it. Makes sense that they are tho.

After watching the video below, it’s no fucking wonder that the UFO community has been shitting their pants lately. Trying to stay on the radar. Trying to stay relevant.

Things are about to get muddier in that area

You could bury all kinds of shit behind all kinds of crazy curtains with technology like this. It’s just too bad that the video has that dumb music on top. Would be interesting to hear what all those drones sound like.

^100-Drone Stock Show | Firefly Drone Shows^

That vid tickled my brain-ish type thingie, so I went to YouTube and searched for “drone array” (without quotes) and found this thing below from 7 years ago.

^A Swarm of Nano Quadrotors^

There actually wasn’t much at all on YouTube under “drone array”. In fact, pretty much nothing. There was a light show, and that swarm one above, and synchronized drone show, and MICRO DRONES KILLER ARMS ROBOTS – AUTONOMOUS ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE, and drone flight over the Very Large Array, a mention of a drone tracking array, but only one mention of “array” with respect to drones.

Hrm...

Why is it that arrays of drones don’t seem to be referred to as “drone arrays”?

Also, on the vid about the drone tracking array, I noticed in the description that they

“had difficulty getting the DJI drones to work at 5.8 GHz”.

Someone only recently asked me about “5G” and what it is. But somewhat off on that topic, I’m wondering if maybe some military projects are lagging a bit, and maybe that’s why cell providers are having fits with getting “upgraded” to 5G? As far as I know, 4G is still a pipe dream, and it was “introduced” in 2009. Gotta get the important stuff out of that/those band(s), and at the same time make sure you remain well-entrenched in that band so you can keep track of who is doing what. Lots of data is pumping through the lower bands already, and I can imagine that cresting each band can be a challenge. Especially if you are simultaneously trying to monitor anyone who is cresting bands above your own capabilities.

Can't let the competition get too far ahead of you
^Kaskade & Felix Cartal – More (Shuffle Video)^

You made me.

You’re still making me.

You’re trying to anyway.

No idea what I’m talking about?
Making
Making
Making
Make
Make
1
7
How To Make Spells
10 Ways To Get Legislation Passed
7 Ways To Build Influence In The Workplace
Five Principles To Follow If You Want To Influence Others
24 Ways To Influence Even The Most Resistant People
8 Ways to Read Someone’s Body Language
50 Ways To Tell Someone You Like Them (Without Just Telling Them)
Impose One’s Will

If it’s still not clear, maybe think on the concept of “making” a bit.

Make it personal

What you make, when, where, how…all that good stuff.

^Boy Pussy / Unisex (Jackin’ Mix 2019 Remaster)^

I started this back on September 26th. It’s now October 12th. I rearranged some of the sections, which means you did not read them in the chronological order in which they were written. Time to stop this madness.

Heh
^deadmau5 / Vanishing Point [full version]^

cYacFa

^S_PAT / Tomorrow (Original Mix)^

*******

*Yep, Parsons knows, Clicky…/stubs butt…*

Thanks for stopping by, Dear Reader, we hope you have enjoyed the visit, and don’t forget to check out Underdog Anthology 9: Well Haunted. Before you know it, the Xmasterpeace will be upon us. Have a Song ❤

Playing Devil’s Avocado

‘You’ve been actively participating in discovering “meaningful coincidence” for longer than I in some of the realms that we both swim.

‘Q: Do you ever stop and reflect on what you are doing and why?’

caec09fff460b87e59b5a0030601f6e1

*It’s my own fault, Clicky… /lights up… I did ask… /drags… It was really late… /plumes smoke… Or really early…*

Cade accepts Roobs offer

*Not sure, Clicky… /smokes… should I go for the long or short answer?*

*Fair enough…*

The short answer is ‘Yes’ and as to why, perhaps an example of ‘meaningful coincidence’ may be helpful in this regard, Dear Reader. It happened today, in fact whilst I was writing this post. I’ll describe in bullet point form:

  • I am currently on a long weekend from work, which I booked off back in the summer because the date coincides with the deadline for submissions to Underdog Anthology 9;

  • Thoughtful Man had other ideas and planned on hiring a skip, so that I could spend part of my long weekend clearing the accumulated crap from the garden this weekend;

  • Boo! I was not looking forward to clearing the crap from the garden;

  • Earlier this week Thoughtful had to spend the skip money on emergency reupholstery on back seat of his taxi;

  • Yay! I didn’t have to spend time this weekend removing the crap from the garden;

  • Yesterday a skip appeared on our next door neighbour’s drive;

  • Thoughtful Man comes home from work this afternoon, whilst I am writing this post, and tells me that our next door neighbour had just offered us use of his skip;

  • The garden is cleared and its accumulated crap is now sitting in next door neighbour’s skip.

105077920-acvodad

*Holy guacamole, Clicky… /flicks ash… A toast?*

*Blimey! Cade knows about my fondness for drummers…*

Dear Reader, have a Song ❤

 

Click5: Eat The What Now?!

Nein, Nein, Nein

Before I start this here Brexit shambles, Dear Reader, I’d just like to point out that there is still time to submit a short story for the Halloween Underdog Anthology, if you are of a creative writing bent. To date, 7 authors have supplied tales for the book, but I’m sure Leggy would like to get the author count up to 9 if possible, to sync with the number of the volume in the series…

*Ooh that’s apt, Clicky… /lights up… My first story’s about misadventures in trepanation… /drags… I’m still working on the second…*

*Yep… /streams smoke… It’s a ‘Harry’ story, Clicky, and the first half of a two parter… /smokes… The second story will be in the Christmas Anthology. Touch wood…*

*Hear Hear, Clicky…*

Dear Reader, it seems we have a Zombie Parliament in session, here, in the UK. It appears that Remainer MPs – a.k.a. ‘The Far Wrong’ – in their crazed desperation to prevent us from leaving the Eewww!, are prepared to go to any lengths…

SOTD Channel 4

*/flicks ash… Except fight a General Election and bloody well secure a mandate to cancel Brexit… /final drag… Too risky…

zombie headshots.gif

*’No, we’re not allowed to shoot them, Clicky…*

Neil deGrasse Tyson on how to kill zombies.gif

*Yeah, they already know they’re dead meat… /stubs butt… *

The story continues, Dear Reader. Have a Song…

 

 

Birthday LII: Sham and Shambollocker…

Today is my birthday, Dear Reader 😀 I am now officially 52…

Jack rolls ball to Danny

*That’s right, Clicky… /lights up… on the 25th… /drags… I got a fuckton of cards from the peeps at work… /streams smoke…*

* /smokes…*

… And that’s the number of letters in the English alphabet, if majuscules…

majuscule (n.)

1704, of a letter, “capital;” 1738 as a noun, “a capital letter,” from French majuscule (16c.), from Latin maiuscula (littera), fem. of maiusculus “somewhat larger, somewhat greater,” diminutive of maior (see major (adj.)).

*I love Pride & Prejudice, Clicky… /taps ASH…*

… are distinguished from minuscules…

minuscule (n.)

1705, “small (not capital) letter,” from French minuscule (17c.), from Latin minuscula, in minuscula littera “slightly smaller letter,” fem. of minusculus “rather less, rather small,” diminutive of minus “less” (from PIE root *mei- (2) “small”). It refers to the kind of reduced alphabetical character which arose 7c. and was from about 9c. substituted in writing for the large uncial. From it the small or lower-case letters of the modern Latin alphabet were derived.

As an adjective, from 1727 in printing, “not capital, of reduced form, small” (of letters); the general sense of “extremely small” is attested by 1893. Related: Minuscular.

*wait, what? …/squints…*

HHGTTG Towel

 */drags… Fanks, Clicky… /furrows brow… I fink… /blows smoke from side of mouth..*

*Okaaay…*

*Ha! Basically, that’s my story ‘BOGOF’ in Underdog Anthology Ate… /final drag… He’s lost a lot of capital this week… /plumes smoke…*

*The Ravin’ is all about Tessie Jackboots in Underdog Anthology Sics… /stubs butt… She threw in the towel, too… /yawns… Finally…*

*Minuscule sympathy felt for either…*

So, I’m not at all stressed at being 52, Dear Reader 😉

Her Be 53

*Shut up, Clicky…*

I’ll be home, on holiday all week, relaxing, so we’ll be dishing up more shambles and, hopefully, missives for your enjoyment 😀 Come back then and… Have a Song ❤

Last Minute Shambles…

Welcome, Dear Reader, to Easter at the LoL…

*I love that Song, Clicky… /lights up… That whole album is just superb…*

Today is the 22nd of April…

*”Spring tales’ and ‘A Coelacanth in the Bathroom’… /drags…*

…but in another universe, the 22nd April is also…

‘In 2375, Ancestors’ Eve is celebrated aboard Voyager. (VOY: 11:59“‘)

*That’s STtNG, Clicky, knot Voyager… /streams smoke… Oh, I see ‘the world’s biggest ball of string’ is referenced in that episode. Stings and strings, interesting. Cade and I remote viewed a doc on box jellyfish last night… /smokes…*

Cade and Roob and Box Jellyfish 1Cade and Roob and Box Jellyfish 2

’11:59′ cropped up on Saturday evening during a remote viewing binge of the Doctor Robert Langdon trilogy with Cade…

Cade and Roobs Dan Brown night 1

*Jesus those movies were frantic and loud… /taps ash… I don’t remember treasure hunts being anything like that in the Girls Brigade, Clicky…*

*Fucking ‘Saviours’, Clicky…*

*It’s all a con… /coughs…*

We hope you’ve enjoyed the time you’ve spent with us at the LoL this we kenned, Dear Reader 😀 Happy Easter and have a Song…

Story Time: Jackanory Jackalope

Welcome, Dear Reader, to Easter at the LoL…

*You’ve already lost me, Clicky…/lights up… I’m gonna post last Easter’s Underdog Anthology ‘Harry’ story…/drags…*

*Not crying, Clicky, just not sure what your Reggae Sets have to do with my Easter Eggs… /streams smoke…*

*******

Jackanory Jackalope

by Roo B. Doo

“Harry!”

I thought I heard my name being called but dismissed it; only my best friend Lol knew I would be here and he was standing right next to me. We were on one of our regular pilgrimages to London to see Mamma-Mia, a shared passion that we felt fuck-all need to share with anybody else. Besides, there were plenty of people about. Any one of them could be called Harry.

“Harry! Lol! Over here!” a familiar voice bellowed over the hubbub of the hot and sweaty, but very happy Saturday matinee crowd streaming out of the theatre alongside us, and into the fume-choked, twilight air. Oh shit!

Lol spotted him. “Oh Jesus! It’s the Fat Kontroller,” he informed me with a sharp jab to my ribs. “Look! He’s waving at us from across the street.”

Indeed he was. The founder and driving force behind the company I work for, F.A. Kontrell – my boss – was trying to get our attention from the back seat of a sleek, black Mercedes S-Class parked on the other side of the road. He saw that we’d spotted him and waved harder. “Over here, Harry!”

I considered feigning deaf, dumb and blindness, but Lol was already striding confidently toward the car. “Bastard! Can’t I get a bloody day off?” I mumbled to myself, but followed in his wake.

“Farnsworth!” Lol greeted the Fat Kontoller and shook the plump hand proffered through the open window of the car. “What a nice surprise,” he lied jovially. Lol’s a bank manager; it’s a skill that comes naturally. “What are you doing in town?”

I knew exactly what The Fat Kontroller was doing in town, having ordered the nice wheels and driver for him. But never in a million years, in a city the size of London, did I think that I would bump into the old boy whilst he was entertaining clients. Just my fucking luck!

“Hello Mr Kontrell. Is everything going okay?” I asked, dodging a cyclist that stared malevolently at us as he zoomed past.

“Fine, fine. Get in before you’re flattened,” The Fat Kontroller ordered. A suited figure emerged from the driver’s seat and rushed round to open the rear passenger doors. Lol took the front, leaving me the rear, which looked to be already occupied by a pair of long, shapely legs sheathed in a gossamer shimmer. Hello! I thought, as the legs shifted over to make room on the back seat. I jumped in.

“Dana, this is Harry Egg my assistant and Lol Williams. He’s our bank manager,” The Fat Kontroller introduced us to the owner of the shimmering legs. “Lol, Harry, this is Dana Cossetti, VP Europe for Clovis.”

Clovis, F.A. Kontrell’s biggest customer, had recently been bought by an American conglomerate, and the Yanks were visiting to see exactly what they’d bought. Of course I knew that too as I’d arranged a dinner for them in another part of town. What the fuck are they doing over here?

I dragged my gaze from Dana’s luscious pins, up and over the thick, gold rope chain that disappeared between her swollen breasts, until it rested upon her smiling face. She had twenty years on me, but she didn’t half look good on it. I resisted the impulse to ‘Yee-haw’.

“Hi. Have you guys been to the theatre?” Dana asked with a Texan drawl that made the hairs on my neck stand to attention. “I love that show. Have you seen the film version?”

“Yes,” I replied dumbly, transfixed by Dana’s firm jawline and the absence of wrinkles. Botoxed? I idly wondered.

Lol twisted in his seat so as to face us. He smiled warmly but I recognised the mischievous glint in his eyes. “Harry had a spare ticket and dragged me along,” he said as if he’d been doing me a favour.

“You asked your bank manager to go to the theatre with you?” Dana asked me directly. Her eyes were piercing blue, like my own, and her gaze steady. “Are you guys on a date?”

“No, no,” Lol blustered. “Harry and I are old friends from university. It’s just lucky happenstance that we have F.A. Kontrell in common.”

The corners of Dana’s mouth curled in answer, but she refused to shift her stare from me. Crikey! I thought, that’s what it’s like to get a shot of piercing blue.

The Fat Kontroller, who’d been sitting quietly now piped up and broke the silence. “Lol, are you two going anywhere in particular now? I’m taking Dana for a drink at a fun, little place I found in Spitalfields. Can you join us?”

“We were thinking of getting a bite to eat first and then go for a drink,” Lol started to reply.

“Oh no, please join us.” Dana turned to The Fat Kontroller. “Does the place you’re takin’ me to serve food?”

“Oh yes. You can get something to eat there,” the Fat Kontroller replied mysteriously.

Lol puffed out his cheeks and looked to me for direction, but instead caught sight of Dana’s slender left hand resting lightly on my right thigh. “Yes, I think Harry and I can join you,” he said turning back to The Fat Kontroller and nodding vigorously. “Thank you, Farnsworth.”

“Good, good. Artillery Lane, E1, please driver.”

The car pulled out smoothly into the traffic and sped away.

“Where are you from, Dana?” Lol asked. I could tell from the tone of his voice that inside he was laughing his bollocks off; it’s not every day his best friend attracts a cougar, and he was going to make the most of it. “Is that a Texas twang I hear?”

“Yes. I’m originally from Dallas but I’ve lived and worked all over the world,” she replied.

“Really? Are you moving to England?”

“No, I fly back tomorrow evening.” Dana crossed her long legs, giving me an eyeful of shimmering thigh. “But I hope to come back soon. England is a beautiful country,” she said gently squeezing my knee.

“It is that,” The Fat Kontroller interjected, oblivious to Dana’s wandering left hand. “You worked in the States for a bit, didn’t you Harry?”

Dana hardly needed any further prompting. “Oh where was that?” she asked huskily. I swear her skirt had ridden up a further inch.

As much as I was enjoying her attention, I was also acutely aware of Dana’s status as a client. And apart from my occasional bouts of lustful longing for Josie, F.A. Kontrell’s goddess of a HR Manager, I tried not to mix business with pleasure. I couldn’t deny though, that it felt good to be the prey for once.

“In New York. It was only for a gap year. I was working for an AIDS charity.”

“That seems very altruistic, Harry.” Dana smiled at me, raising her eyebrows. Not botox then.

“Admin mostly,” I said with a sheepish shrug. A year licking envelopes, being sent for coffee and sucking jelly out of doughnuts; I’m a fucking humanitarian, me. I gave her my best benignant smile and was rewarded with the soft crush of side-boob, as she shifted her position imperceptibly closer.

The traffic thinned out as we entered the City of London. The Saturday streets were devoid of office workers, but a few tourists congregated in their place. Chatter in the car continued amicably, as we passed St Paul’s cathedral and Guildhall until we at last reached our destination: a bright yellow door along a narrow side street.

“Here we are!” The Fat Kontroller said, as he got out of the car and held the door open for Dana. She gave my knee a final squeeze before unfurling her long legs and exiting.

“The Breakfast Club?” She sounded distinctly unimpressed. I could understand why: apart from the jolly legend – ‘Today is going to be a good day’ – emblazoned above the windows, it appeared that The Fat Kontroller’s “fun, little place” was in fact a workmen’s cafe. Through the window I could see wooden chairs and tables, topped with centre pieces of ketchup and HP Sauce bottles.

“Are we at the right place?” I asked after The Fat Kontroller had told the driver to come back in an hour.

He laughed and tapped the side of his nose. “Follow me.”

Once inside my first suspicions were confirmed: it was a cafe. A very nice, clean one, but cafe all the same.

“Farnsworth, I fear I may be somewhat overdressed,” Dana said worriedly.

Now that we were standing, I could fully appreciate exactly how long Dana’s legs were. She was wearing a little, black dress that shrieked “Money!” It clung to her firm hips and slender waist, accentuating her ample bosom. Sod overdressing. I’d like to see you undressed, I thought lecherously.

“No, this is the place,” The Fat Kontroller stated firmly and approached the counter. There was a small queue of people waiting to give their food order, but he managed to get the attention of one of the staff. He leaned in conspiratorially. “We have an appointment with the Mayor.”

The staff member gave a brief nod of understanding and asked us to follow. He led us toward a large American style fridge.

“Oh smeg!” Lol laughed at his own joke. The staff member gave a tired smile – he’d obviously heard that particular joke before – and opened the SMEG fridge door, ushering us inside.

“Good heavens, Farnsworth. It’s a speakeasy!” Dana laughed.

The Fat Kontroller beamed with delight. “Welcome to The Mayor of Scaredy Cat Town. I was brought here myself a few months ago. I’ve been dying to reveal it to somebody else. What do you think?”

We were stood in a small bar with bare brick walls and wooden floor. The room was intimately lit and a few patrons sat at tall tables made of heavy wood, sipping cocktails. At the back of the room the bar was backed by brightly lit shelves housing an array of spirit bottles. I felt like I’d walked onto the set of Bugsy Malone.

“It’s wonderful, Farnsworth,” Dana enthused.

We found an empty table and perched up on the high bar chairs. Except for The Fat Kontroller – he remained standing, ready to go to the bar. “What’ll you have?” he asked.

I had nabbed the seat next to Dana, and we scooched together to peruse the cocktail menu. She casually placed her hand on the backrest of my chair, and I could feel her fulsome breast pressed up again my arm.

“I think I’ll have…” Dana paused as she scanned the list. Her protruding tongue flicked over her lips whilst she decided. “A pear and cinnamon sidecar, please.”

“Harry?” I was still mesmerized by sight of Dana’s probing tongue, and basking in the heat of her touch.

“Harry?” the Fat Kontroller repeated again, this time somewhat louder. “What would you like?”

What I’d like is for that pink and glistening beauty to flick over me, but I didn’t say; that would be impolite. “I’ll have the same thanks, Mr K,” I replied hoarsely. My throat suddenly felt quite dry.

“I’ll give you a hand at the bar, Farnsworth,” Lol chuckled, standing up. He dropped me a surreptitious wink before he left.

“So, Harry,” Dana drawled. She turned to face me. “Your folks called you Harry?”

“No, they named me Harriet but everybody calls me Harry. Actually so do they now.” I could feel myself blushing under the weight of her naked gaze on me. I delicately coughed to clear my throat. In for a penny, in for a pound. “Unless of course I’m very, very bad. In which case they call me Harriet.”

There was a pause filled by the muted sounds of the bar around us. Dana raised a quizzical eyebrow then smiled slowly, revealing predatory teeth. “Well, I look forward to calling you Harriet,” she growled softly.

Ding dong! I’ve pulled! Then another thought crossed my mind, this one not so euphoric. There’s something not quite right. “Dana, would you excuse me for just one moment, I just need to have a quick word with Lol. I’ll be right back.” I gave her wrist a comforting squeeze, then slipped down from my chair and started for the bar. I nearly bumped into The Fat Kontroller who was his was back with our drinks.

“You’re not off already, Harry?” He looked concerned.

“No, I just need to see Lol. I’ll be right back.”

I collared Lol at the bar. He was sipping on a syrupy concoction through a straw. The cocktail glass was laden with umbrellas and fruit.

“Lol, quick question: did you know that The Fat Kontroller and Dana would be outside the theatre tonight?” I gave him my sternest look.

He didn’t answer straight away, preferring to suck harder on his straw. I waited whilst the liquid drained from his glass.

“That’s brilliant! I’m going to have another one of those,” he answered at last.

I breathed out hard. “Lol. Did you and The Fat Kontroller conspire for them to bump into us tonight? It’s a simple enough question.”

“No, of course not, Harry,” he laughed uncomfortably. “What do you think we are? Pimps?” He turned away quickly and asked the bar tender for a refill.

You bastards! I thought. You set me up! “Oh Lol!”

“Look, Harry,” he said calmly, placing his hands on my shoulders. “We just thought it would be nice for you and Dana to meet. She’s an important client, new in town. You don’t have to sleep with her or anything, it’s just a drink.”

I looked over towards our table. The Fat Kontroller and Dana were deep in conversation. I was torn between outrage at the actions of my best friend and my boss, and lust for the lusciously lanky Texan. I watched her swing her shimmering legs and my mind loitered on the thought of them wrapped around my head.

“Come on, Harry. We’ll get something to eat after this and go home, okay?”

Lol grabbed his drink, telling the bar tender to put it on The Fat Kontroller’s tab, and steered me back toward our table.

“What are you two talking about?” Lol asked when we returned. Dana turned and smiled at me as I climbed back onto the bar chair next to her. I sipped at my sidecar and smiled back.

“Jackalopes,” The Fat Kontroller boomed.

I placed my fingers to my mouth to stifle a burp. “Jacka-whats?”

“Jackalopes,” Dana replied, “They’re ubiquitous in Texas and the most fascinating creatures.”

“Rabbits with antlers?” Lol asked sceptically.

“Oh their antlers are poisonous. If they ram you, it injects poison,” Dana answered drily.

The Fat Kontroller took a swig of his drink, a single malt doubled – his favourite tipple; no fancy cocktails for him. “Jackalopes sound extremely dangerous.”

“Oh they are, Farnsworth.” Dana was warming to the subject. “Their fur is also poisonous. Each hair is like a barb on a sea-urchin or porcupine, and that poison is more toxic than the one produced by their antlers. Not only that but the hair has barbs, so the more that the fur touches you, the more attached the Jackalope becomes. It’s not uncommon in Texas to see a hunter running around screaming with a Jackalope stuck to them.”

She paused to take a sip of her cocktail and her eyes flicked between us, as if to gauge our reaction. Rapt attention, as far as I could tell, but I was still miffed at the situation I found myself in.

“So they’re pretty poisonous, then?” I asked blithely.

Dana suddenly grabbed my arm and turned me sharply toward her. “You don’t know the half of it, Harry,” she said with complete seriousness. “Their claws are also poisonous, but this poison has a more osmotic delivery mechanism. They will climb on the back of a horse, and if it refuses to give the Jackalope a ride, to wherever the Jackalope wants to go, it will slowly release poison from their claws.”

Her piercing blue eyes danced delightfully as they stared into my own. Underneath the table I felt Lol give me a friendly kick.

“The Jackalope saliva is also poisonous, but they spit that at their target. The spit ball is encased in a corrosive acid that eats through the victim’s skin, allowing the poison encapsulated in the spit ball to enter the bloodstream. A Jackalope can spit the poison spit balls accurately for up to 1/2 mile which is..?” Dana looked toward The Fat Kontroller.

“Oh, almost a kilometre,” he replied mirthfully.

Dana nodded to him. “Thank you, Farnsworth. The poisonous saliva makes Jackalope turds toxic, Harry. Toxic, but not fatal. That’s why there are so many college kids out looking for Jackalope turds. They collect the Jackalope turds, then eat them.”

“Eww!” Lol laughed. “Well, I suppose that’s better than eating Tide pods.”

“True,” Dana continued with a straight face. “The toxins in the turds causes the kids see really weird stuff. Of course they won’t see anything as weird as seeing a bunch of people out picking up Jackalope turds just so they can eat them, but they’ll see some pretty weird stuff. Or so I hear.”

She sat back in her seat and took another gulp of her sidecar, the level of which was getting dangerously low in her glass.

“Dana, is there any part of the Jackalope that isn’t poisonous?” I asked sweetly. This is fun! Not only is she smoking hot, but she’s fucking funny with it.

“Only their bite, which is odd considering the toxicity of their saliva. Science never could figure out why. But the bite still hurts like a mother fucker.”

Lol guffawed, nearly choking on his drink, whilst The Fat Kontroller slapped the table. “Have you ever been bitten by a Jackalope, Dana?” he asked, his ruddy face shining with amusement.

“No fortunately. The Ancient Americans thought that someone getting a Jackalope bite, without dying, was a sign of good luck. But what the heck could they possibly know?”

Dana laughed a long, throaty chuckle at our amusement. Once again I felt her hand on my thigh.

“Gentlemen. Harry. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go powder my nose,” Dana said, stepping gracefully off her chair. She craned her head in search of the bathroom.

Lol stared at me with widened eyes; The Fat Kontroller contemplated his empty whisky glass. “Oh, I think they’re near the bar, Dana. Hold on, I’ll come with you,” I said sliding off my chair. “Shall I order another round while I’m up there?” I asked The Fat Kontroller.

“No, we’ll need to push off soon if we’re to meet the others for dinner on time,” he said looking at this watch. “The restaurant you booked is on the other side of town.”

I followed Dana towards the bar, drinking in her swaying figure from behind: her sensuous shoulders, slender waist and flare of her hips. Not to mention those long, shimmering legs. She’s really not that bad for an old girl, I thought.

I caught up to her when she stopped at the bar to ask for directions. “Dana,” I said, sidling up next to her.

She snaked her arm around my hips and left it hanging there. “Harry. It’s been a truly wonderful meeting you. I’m just sorry that we didn’t get to spend more time together on this trip.”

“Me too.” I really meant it.

“When I’m over again in couple of months, maybe could take in a show together?” Dana shot me other blast of piercing blue.

“Yes, I would like that very much.” I could feel the grin plastered across my face. “Mamma-mia?”

“You betcha!”

Yee-HAW!

*******

*A jackalope and aliens? …/pats snout… Nice one, Clicky…*