Who Noob Tales: Nine Lives… No, Really

I am having a long weekend, Dear Reader. I spent yesterday daytime making final edits to stories in the soon-to-be-published ‘Underdog Anthology V: Six in Five in Four’. Leggy has a preview, in which he includes one of his stories from the book…

Old Peculier on the neighbours cat

*/grins… How peculiar, Clicky… /lights up…*

peculiar (adj.)

mid-15c., “belonging exclusively to one person,” from Latin peculiaris “of one’s own (property),” from peculium “private property,” literally “property in cattle” (in ancient times the most important form of property), from pecu “cattle, flock,” related to pecus “cattle” (see pecuniary). Meaning “unusual” is first attested c. 1600 (earlier “distinguished, special,” 1580s; for sense development, compare idiom). Related: Peculiarly.

wiki peculier

*’Also KT and KH’…/drags… No shit! …/streams smoke… *

Then last night Cade and I resumed his introduction to Doctor Who, and also caught up with Leggy and Poppy… Les amis…

Poppy and Roob discuss Cades Who Introductory Course 1

Poppy and Roob discuss Cades Who Introductory Course 2Poppy and Roob discuss Cades Who Introductory Course 3Poppy and Roob discuss Cades Who Introductory Course 4

rare doctor who hand flap

*/flicks ash… Knot a favourite episode, Clicky… /drags… although, excellent use of a jammie dodger… /blows smoke rings… I’d forgotten about that…*

Poppy and Roob discuss Cades Who Introductory Course 5

Poppy and Roob discuss Cades Who Introductory Course 6Poppy and Roob discuss Cades Who Introductory Course 7

*Like the villain, House, in The Doctor’s Wife, Clicky, Daleks are a bit like a sea anemone… /puffs… “hard on the outside, squishy on the inside”… I hadn’t made that connection before… /taps teeth…*

Anyhoo, in honour of Old Peculier’s neighbour’s cat, Dear Reader, and seeing as a ‘cat‘ won today’s Grand National, I thought I’d take a leaf out of Leggy’s book – pun intended – and post one of my stories from UAV. It’s short and called ‘Nine Lives’. The Knot-Sew confidential making of it can be found here. Enjoy!

*******

NINE LIVES

Karl sat at his kitchen table, smoking and observing the tendrils of early morning mist gently tickle the tops of the garden hedge, before continuing their soft creep to the ground. It was dark outside but the lawn glittered with stars; pregnant dew drops nestling in the grass caught the thin, amber light that spilled from the kitchen window. He stubbed out his cigarette and gulped back the last dregs of cold tea from his mug with a grimace. Not long now, Karl thought, she’ll be home soon. Outside the mist started to swirl and pool.

He stood up and stretched, bones creaking and knees popping as if to salute the end of his vigil. He fleetingly considered that he was getting too old for this malarkey, but she needed a watcher – someone to light the way back. He could bear the discomfort; it was only for the night. Karl rubbed his eyes under his glasses, and dragged his hands down over bristled cheeks to wipe any tiredness away. He contemplated putting the kettle on when he heard the first high pitched bark puncturing the dark. The second got him moving. “Not the foxes again!”

As he opened the back door, the wet slap of morning air to hit Karl’s face was accompanied by a rude crash and skitter of a dustbin lid falling, somewhere in the mist. She’s coming from the right, he thought, opening the door wider to peer out into the murk. More barks, louder this time, and a fiery hiss, were followed by the sound of clambered wood, as the garden fence shook violently. Karl held the door further ajar, and a white streak shot out of the mist and between his legs, into the kitchen.

Karl closed the door on the mist and the foxes who, by the sound of it, were now rummaging through next door’s bin for tasty scraps. He turned to the slight figure, lying on the kitchen floor. “For goodness sake, Lara, do you have to tease the foxes? It upsets the neighbours.”

“It upsets the bins,” Lara replied, lightly panting as she rolled over and attempted to sit up. “No, they were waiting for me. Foxes are not called cunning for nothing, Karl.”

“Yes, but they usually leave you alone when you’re hedge riding.”

Lara sighed. “It would seem witches aren’t held in much esteem these days. Not by people or wildlife.”

Karl surveyed the flush in his wife’s cheeks and her glittering eyes, and thought she still looked pretty formidable considering her advanced years. He also noticed the shudder in her arm propping her up. “You should get off the floor. What would you like, sofa or chair?” he asked, scooping her up, with barely a tremble from his own geriatric limbs.

“Sofa,” Lara replied with a wan smile. “Thank you, dear. And a cuppa and a ciggie wouldn’t go amiss either.”

“Funnily enough, I was just about to put the kettle on,” Karl replied, before lowering his wife, so she could reach out and pluck the cigarette packet and lighter from the kitchen table. A fat bead of blood splashed onto the surface below, quickly followed by another. “You’re injured?”

“Damn foxes.” Lara winced and drew her arm back toward her chest. “One of them managed to get a mouthful of armpit. I don’t think it’s too deep. Just stings a bit.”

“But you’re bleeding,” Karl said gruffly. Too gruffly, he feared, from the look his wife shot him. “Okay, let’s get you comfortable and then I can clean that up,” he continued in a more conciliatory tone, before carrying her through to the front room.

Karl noticed that Lara was already on her second cigarette when he returned five minutes later, to set out a bowl of hot water, soap, flannel and towel on the carpet before her. “Kettle’s on for tea,” he said kneeling down. He adjusted his glasses and gingerly started to lift Lara’s elbow. “Can’t let it get infected, how would we explain that to Dr Patel?”

“I can always change back so you can take me to a vet,” Lara replied sharply, pulling away from his grasp.

She must be in great pain, Karl thought. “Come now, dear, we don’t have pet insurance. We don’t own a pet.” Lara’s eyes briefly flashed at his riposte, but her body relaxed and she allowed him to lift her arm. “So apart from getting into a fight with some foxes…”

“Ambushed by some foxes,” Lara quickly corrected him.

“Sorry, ambushed by some foxes on the way home, how was the rest of your night?”

Lara took a deep drag from her cigarette. “Well it started off okay,” she said, billowing a great cloud of smoke. “I went to see Annie and girls down at Saint Michael’s.”

“And how are Annie and the girls?” Karl asked as he cleaned her wound of blood.

“Dead.”

“Naturally.” Any bleeding seemed to have stopped, but the swelling around the punctures had already started to bruise, turning an angry black mauve that only truly flourished on elderly skin. Karl stopped himself flinching at the sight. “You’d think they’d get themselves a spirit cat.”

“They’ve got a spirit cat,” Lara gently rebuked him with a chuckle.

“A ghost cat, then.” Karl smiled at her mirth. “You know what I mean.”

“Oh a ghost cat would be just as stuck as they are. Graveyards are lonely places, Karl. The residents like the company and the gossip. Especially the newly interred. Once the funeral is over, they rarely get more than a yearly visit from any family. If that.” Lara finished her cigarette and stubbed it out in the ashtray perched on the arm of the sofa. “How’s it looking?”

“Ugly but clean. It’ll need some arnica,” Karl replied, rising carefully to his feet. “That’s in the kitchen. Besides, the kettle must have boiled by now. No, no. You stay there. I’ll go.”

Lara laughed and shooed him away with her good arm before reaching for the cigarettes and lighter.

Karl could hear swearing from outside the back door; Jim must be up and found the aftermath of the fox fracas. Karl popped the kettle on and grabbed the arnica and some aspirin from the medicine cupboard, chuckling at the string of expletives emanating from over the garden fence. He glanced out the window to see that sunrise was already burning off the mist that had been so thick an hour or so ago. It looked like it could be a lovely day.

The sound of the front doorbell caught him off guard. Who would be calling at this hour? Karl wondered and went to open the front door. Through the frosted glass he could make out the shape of a woman in a bright pink dressing gown. What could she want? Karl thought as he unlocked and opened the door. “Morning Celia. Is everything alright?”

“Oh Karl,” his next door neighbour cried, her face puffy and contorted with distress. “Karl, I’m so sorry if I’ve woke you,” Celia started to apologise. “There was some trouble with foxes in our garden last night. I don’t know if you heard any of it.”

“No,” Karl lied. “But I heard Jim swearing earlier. Did they make much of a mess?”

Celia looked distraught at the suggestion. “Well yes, but…” she trailed off with a sob. “Karl, it’s Lara. I’m so sorry. They killed your cat.” Celia had not come empty handed; she held out a bundle, wrapped neatly in a towel, out in front of her.

Karl felt an icy chill bloom from the crown of his head and cascade down his body. “Thank you,” he said numbly, taking the bundle from Celia’s shaking hands.

“I’m so, so sorry,” Celia continued but Karl had already shut the front door. He felt the lightness of the bundle in his arms. It felt so slight.

“Lara?” Karl called as he carried it through to his wife, but the front room was empty. He laid the bundle on the sofa and sat down next to it. A spiral of smoke floated up from the ashtray perched on the arm. Karl turned and picked up the last of the burning cigarette and with trembling fingers, finished his smoke.

*******

I’m off now to introduce Cade to Thoughtful Man’s favourite companion, Dear Reader…

Clara

*/winks…*

Have a Song ❤

Who Noob Tales: The Tramp & The Little Blue Box

tramp

*Ugh, ghastly biscuits, Clicky… /sticks out tongue in disgust… The smell was bad enough, passing the the Peeky Freaky factory twice a day… /flicks lighter… Snot my taste. Not like the custard cream days… /lights up… I dawdled passed the factory on those days…*

This week, Dear Reader, I have been introducing Cade to Doctor Who. He’s a Who Noob…

*Knot anymore he ain’t, Clicky… /snickers…*

… And last night I also introduced him to the the Noble Donna…

*Martha was the night before, Clicky… /drags… And Rose and Captain Jack at the weekend… /streams smoke…*

Cade and Roob Partners in Crime Chat 1Cade and Roob Partners in Crime Chat 2Cade and Roob Partners in Crime Chat 3Cade and Roob Partners in Crime Chat 4

*No River Song is tonight, Clicky… /puffs contentedly…*

“If you ever see a little blue box, flying up in the sky, you shout for me Gramps.”

Thoughtful Man and I had a blue box experience today, Dear Reader…

Mayfair Warning

*/puffs angrily… Is there nuffin the bint won’t do to get out of Brexit, Clicky? /flicks ash… Don’t answer…*

Because I work on the 13th floor of the Tower, and because I have to take at least 20 minutes for lunch for my ‘health and safety’ – my time is flexible; I can bank the rest –  I take one cigarette to work with me each day. Carried in a salvaged, old-style box. Today’s was a Mayfair box…

“You’ll never guess what happened at lunch today,” I told Thoughtful Man, shrugging off my coat, after he’d brought me home from work. He’s thoughtful like that. “I gave my cigarette to a tramp.”

Thoughtful Man squinted hard, the way he does when I mention I’ve given something away. Or interacted with tramps. I have form…

another tramp story

*That’s another story, Clicky… /final drag… Now don’t interrupt… /stubs butt… I’m tryin’ to fiction-all-lies an actual factual happening… /blows smoke rings…*

“Why?” he asked bluntly.

“Because she asked me for it,” I said innocently, slipping out of my work shoes and rolling down my tights. The first thing I do when I get home is strip off my work clothes. The change from formal to informal is one of the little pleasures I take from my day.

Thoughtful Man’s squint soften slightly. “She?”

“Yes. I saw her in the lobby of Tower as I was going out to smoke. Didn’t think anything of it ‘cos we get all sorts coming in everyday,” I said, pulled my dress up over my head. “Anyway, I went and sat in my usual place on the window ledge, round the side of the building. It’s less windy.”

Thoughtful Man was silent but I just knew what he was thinking…

spaced skip to the end

*I’ll get there, if you stop interrupting me! …/huffs…*

I pulled on some jogging bottoms and Thoughtful Man’s old, raggedy sweatshirt. “And I’d nearly finished smoking my cigarette, when the lady tramp ambles round the corner. She was holding up a bottle of perfume.”

“Perfume?” Thoughtful Man interrupted me. “Like she was going to mace you?”

“Yeah. Do you know her?”

Thoughtful Man sighed; he encounters all sorts every day too driving his taxi round the mean streets of our town. “She’s completely fucking mad. I saw her today as well, when I was standing on the rank.”

I plonked myself in my Library chair and lit up a cigarette. “She didn’t spray me or anything. She asked me for a cigarette. I only had the one and I’d nearly finished smoking it. I said ‘Sorry’ and showed her the empty Mayfair box.”

“What did she say?”

I grabbed our small dog, who’d been buzzing round my feet, trying to lick my ankles. “She asked me for the one I was smoking. So I gave it to her.” I ruffed Poppy’s floppy ears and she gave me a smelly, wet, licky kiss in return. “And then she asked me for the empty packet.”

Thoughtful Man stiffened. “Did you give it to her?”

“Well yeah. I’ve got other empty boxes saved.” Oh how I hate the god-awful plain packaging government has foisted on us.

Poppy jumped off my lap and trotted over to Thoughtful Man, who picked her up for a tummy tickle. “I must have seen her after you did because, when she walked past me, she threw an empty Mayfair box at my feet.”

“Really?” I asked with a squint. I didn’t know whether to be amazed at her aim or annoyed that she’d dumped my little, blue box. “Did you pick it up?”

“No.” Thoughtful Man looked aghast. “She’d screwed it up.”

“Damn!”

rabbiting on

*Shit! …/clocks time… I’ve got a double-bill planned for Cade tonight. We’d better finish up, Clicky… /pats snout… Still, no work tomorrow, eh? Come on flexible time!*

Got to go, Dear Reader… Have a Song…

HBD Dr One! From The Okie Devil & RBD2

Two things, Dear Reader…

*No, Clicky… /flicks lighter… two items to cover off in this post… /lights up…*

First up, the soon to be published Underdog Anthology V has finally got a title…

*Knot quite… /puffs… Similar, Clicky…*

Six in Five in Four

Leggy tells me there will be 20 stories in all, not including the Foreword and Afterword, which I guess makes…

1260827856769

*/drags… twenty-two… /squints… and knot Tutu, Clicky… /taps ash…*

I have two stories included: ‘Nine Lives‘ and a new ‘Harry‘ story called, ‘Jackanory Jackalope’…

jacka_gif_by_nymla-d8r8ffl

*/coughs … It’s a spring-time book, Clicky… /clears throat… There has to be a rabbit…*

… In witch, the Legend of the Jackalope is recounted by a…

My good friend, Cade, who has three fantabulous stories in UAV, imparted the legend to me. I hope I’ve been able to do it justice ❤

4ff1399596a83ae049d3575ee7ee5aba

*Okay… /drags… thanks for keeping me on track, Clicky… /blows smoke ring…*

The second thing, Dear Reader, is to say a big, fat ‘Happy Birthday’ to The Underdog

Dr One

… And to give him his pressie, made by Cade, from both of us. Leggy may recognise the lyrics 😉

*My besties are SO fucking clever and talented, Clicky… /stubs butt… I AM the luckiest woman in the whirled…*

*Yes, you too, Clicky… /pats snout…*

Five Alive? Defo!

*Ah cool image, Clicky… /pat snout… Actually my hair hasn’t looked like that once this week… /lights up…*

Dear Reader, I have been on holiday these last couple of days, and have finally managed to write my short story about a hedge riding hag

feather powered happiness

*I am pretty happy with the result, Clicky…/puffs…*

…and have submitted it to Leggy for inclusion in the upcoming ‘Underdog Anthology V‘. The story is called ‘Nine Lives’…

*I’ve still got time to mutilate a poem for the Afterword before I go back to work, Clicky… /drags… If I can find the right one… /billows smoke…*

I was also able to spend some time yesterday in the Blue universe. Frank Davis had been snooping around New York, after reading about the proposed bill to stop people from smoking whilst walking the streets of that fair city

*They’re fucking unbelievable! …/flicks ash… First you can’t smoke inside, and now the utopian dreamers are trying to dictate where and how you can smoke outside… /deep drag… Nasty Not-sees indeed… /sighs…*

He was looking at street signs there and came across one that had him perplexed…

‘Just a few yards away was another really weird sign. I think it was some sort of aphorism. But I couldn’t make out what it said, because it seemed to be written in bleeding, dripping letters that said something like Afraid And Dead. I guess that if you were crossing 2nd Avenue and you stopped to try to figure out what the scary sign meant, you’d find out when you got hit by a truck.’

It puzzled me, too; however, the photo Frank included was somewhat fuzzy, so I sent Clicky off for a closer inspection…

sign for blue frank

*Much better but it still looks like worshipers or sumfin’ to me, Clicky… /drags deeply… In sinister black… /snorts smoke…*

… and find an answer.

school for deaf street sign new york

*Those are hands!*

hans gruber

*/reads slowly… School For Deaf …/squints… Dept of Transport… /final drag… Oh! The yellow buses! It’s a bus stop sign, Clicky! … /streams smoke…*

applause sign

*Alright, don’t take the piss… /stubs butt… Well done you, though, on working it out… There’s a good assistant… /pats snout…*

It was a sign for deaf school children, Dear Reader…

…As my good friend, Cade, might say…

‘MYSTERY SOLVED! NEXT!’

music sign

*Okay then…/lights up… And as you’re such a clever Clicky, you can choose…*

Dear Reader… Have a Song 😀

 

Breakfast Embed Part 2 – Sun E Sighed Up

Hello again Dear Reader. In case you’ve forgotten, my name is Mr. Slimey, you are indeed at The LoL, but RooBeeDoo and her assistant Clicky are currently…indisposed.

giphy2

*first doors, now windows. A flying carpet would not be out of place here /me taps foot and ponders…hmmm, when and where is a flying carpet “in-place”? /me wonders*

Actually, I’ve no clue whether Roob and Clicky are indisposed, outdisposed, or striking any other dis or dat pose(s). As far as I know, they are in the same place and places they’ve always been. But who really knows where that is? Who really knows what they are up to?

tumblr_nzqclolqvw1t63sglo1_540

*/me does double-take. At first glance, that window actually looks kinda…normal. But it it?*

We’ll continue to work on the pertinent and relevant as we proceed. But now, and for your continued reading enjoyment, may I present the next installment of RooBeeDoo’s… The Inchoate Egg.

*******

*No, the beginning is on the last post, Clicky… /lights up…*

Many thanks again, Cade, for the lovely intros and exits ❤

And now, Dear Reader, the story continues…

As it happened, I ended up arriving late for the County Business Awards at the Civic Centre. Very late as I’d overslept from the afternoon nap I’d taken, with the intention of being fresh for the evening ahead. Now I felt frazzled; I hate being late.

Despite the area outside the building being clearly designated ‘No Smoking’, there were a good number of glammed up people loitering by the entrance, taking a last puff, as if their lives depended on it.

I felt a hand lightly tap my shoulder and turned to see a vision in shimmering gold in the warm evening sunshine. “Harry! You’re late too. Thank goodness, I didn’t want to arrive on my own!”

Josie fair took my breath away, stood there lithe and tanned in a floor length gown that she appeared to have been poured into. Her thick black locks were piled high on her head, loose tendrils curled down, emphasising the slenderness of her throat and shoulders. And her make-up was as smooth and flawless as the skin tight dress she wore, emphasising her jaunty breasts, flat stomach and lean thighs.

“Whoa! Hi Josie, you look…” It’s difficult to keep the awe out of your voice when faced with utter perfection. Then another thought occurred to me: where’s Alfie? I scanned the road but couldn’t see his car.

“You scrub up nice!” I joked, trying to play it cool and prevent a drooling incident.

Josie giggled nervously, twirling girlishly. “Is it too much? I wasn’t sure, I haven’t been to one of these events before.”

I felt my jaw start to drop at the sight of the satin material clinging to her righteous arse cheeks. Jesus! She can’t be wearing any underwear!

An appreciable number of smokers’ heads turned in our direction, although I could tell none of them were looking at me. “No, you look absolutely stunning. In fact if we win tonight, you should definitely go up on stage to collect the award. It could get us on the front page of the local rag.”

She has no idea how gorgeous she is, I thought, as Josie blushed at my suggestion. I lightly grabbed her elbow, steering her toward the main entrance, unable – and unwilling – to remove the huge smile now plastered across my face. “Come on, we’re really late. We should go inside and find the others.”

More posh frocks and penguin suits milled about inside, quaffing champagne and munching canapés in between small talk. We made our way to the bar area, zeroing in on the sound of booming laughter. For once the Fat Kontroller was already in attendance; he usually liked to make an entrance, but from the ruddy colour of his cheeks I’d say he’d arrived a while ago.

“Harry! Over here!” the Fat Kontroller called out, beckoning us over. “You’re late.”

He was sat at the bar, flanked on one side by Simon and Katrina from our newest client, Clovis International, and on the other by Lol our friendly bank manager. Next to him was Shazza, showing far too much flesh in a low cut dress and braying like a donkey at an amusing anecdote being told by our final guest, who stood with his back to us. I hadn’t met the famous Zander Rhodes yet, but from the look of his slim hips, broad shoulders and slicked back hair, I could tell he was cut from the Alfie mould of manhood. Then I saw the wolfish look flash across Zander’s chiselled features, as he turned to see Josie sashaying toward him. My heart sank, only to be further compounded when I saw the look Josie gave him as hellos and introductions were made.

“Bad luck old girl,” Lol whispered in my ear as he kissed my cheek and squeezed my arse. “Good evening, Miss Egg. You’re looking radiant this evening.”

“Lol Williams, what have I told you about trying to grab my assets,” I replied with a smile, moving his hand up to my waist. “Honestly, you bankers…” I said with an exaggerated eye-roll, loud enough for the others to hear. It was a charade of course. I’d known Lol a lot longer than I’d worked at FAK. You could say we were kindred spirits and he was the only person I’d confided in over my longings for Josie, what really happened at Christmas and the loathing I felt for Shazza and her antics.

Lol laughed at my playful rebuke and quickly shifted his eyes in Shazza’s direction, urging me to look.

As unhappy as I was that Josie and Zander were hitting it off, Shazza looked positively crestfallen at the fizzing chemistry between the two best looking people in the place. She must have thought she was in with a chance with Zander. What a fucking pair of jokes we are, I thought, feeling a rare sense of camaraderie with the dope. It lasted all of a second as Shazza decided to open her mouth.

“Yeah, you look nice, Harry. Is that the same outfit you wore to the Christmas party? I thought that got ruined.”

“Oh no, what happened at the Christmas party?” Katrina asked innocently. She was a recent addition to the Clovis management team, so probably wasn’t aware of the gory details, just eager to join the conversation.

“A chocolate incident,” I replied smoothly, shooting a reassuring look in Josie’s direction. But she wasn’t listening, being totally absorbed in whatever Gaia-saving bollocks Zander, with his designer stubble was feeding her.

I downed the whisky proffered by the Fat Kontroller, who clapped me on the shoulder and stood up. “Right then boys and girls, now we’re all here, let’s get this party started.”

The main room set up with about 20 tables and was filling fast with the Great and the Good of the county’s business community. The level of chatter was high as we picked through the crowds to table four, positioned close to the stage. I decided I should take that as a good sign for award success but, to be honest, I was clutching at straws considering how the rest of my hopes for the evening were panning out.

Shazza had been busy in my absence as the place settings on the table were arranged boy/girl and she’d placed herself between the Fat Kontroller and Zander, with me opposite sandwiched between Lol and Simon. With Katrina sat between her colleague and the Fat Kontroller, Josie had been placed the other side Zander, and the suave environmentalist was availing himself of the opportunity to be as attentive as possible.

Lol gave my knee a reassuring squeeze under the table. “I’d offer to swap seats with you, Harry, but I don’t think you’d get a look in,” he muttered out of the side of his mouth.

“Don’t sweat it, love,” I reassured him, “I’m here to work. Here, have some some wine.” I poured him a large glass of Barolo before filling my own and grabbing a bottle of Chardonnay. “Simon? Katrina? Red or white?”

And so the evening progressed, through three passable mass catered courses, made more palatable by my excellent selection of wines. The Fat Kontroller and I worked on Simon and Katrina, the only actual clients at the table, whilst Lol tried his best to engage Zander and Josie in conversation. He was fairly successful too through his keen interest of in cycling and holidaying in Asia. Bless him, he’d even tried to include Shazza in their conversation with less success – she was finding the evening hard going, fidgeting in her seat, shifting from one conversation to the other, unable to contribute to either. She could drink though. Warily I watched her find solace in her wineglass, looking more and more miserable. I didn’t know whether to feel concern at what she was capable of after a skinful, or sheer delight at her self-imposed discomfort. But on the whole, I sided with delight – at least she wasn’t gobbing off.

Eventually the awards presentation began, starting with several dull but worthy eulogies of the strength and diversity of the county business community. We sat and clapped through numerous categories of award before they got to the one we were shortlisted for. I don’t mind admitting to a jolt of nerves as ‘Green Business of the Year’ was called out. My submission was F A Kontrell’s first attempt at winning any business gongs. Writing it up had been a doddle and success would mean more brownie points for me. As much as I liked my recent pay rise, I still preferred to earn it than get one for being merely non-litigious.

Under the table I felt Lol’s hand cover my own as I squeezed and scrunched the napkin on my lap. I lent across him toward Josie, “You’ll come up on stage won’t you, if we win?”

“Ooh can I come up too?” Shazza suddenly piped up, visibly brighting at the prospect of a bit of reflected glory. She turned to the Fat Kontroller, “If Harry and Josie are going up, can I go up too?” she squealed.

“Tush, Sharon, it’s not the Oscars,” he replied calmly, patting her on the arm. “And we haven’t won anything yet.”

It seemed to take an age for the presenter to read through all the names and for the nominees’ logos to appear on the screen behind him. You could cut the tension around our table with a knife.

“And the winner is…” He opened the envelope and pulled a card. “F A Kontrell!”

We erupted in a chorus of cheers and whoops. We’d only fucking won it!

With scraped back chairs, the four FAKkers got up to collect the award, receiving congratulatory hugs from the rest of our guests. Zander seized the opportunity to kiss Josie full on the mouth. She kissed him back. Slut! You’ve only just met him!

“Oi! Don’t smudge your lipstick,” Lol playfully chastised Josie, pulling her from Zander’s embrace.

I grabbed Josie’s hand and tugged sharply. “Come on! Let’s get you on the front page.”

Despite the huge quantity of alcohol he’d knocked back during the evening, the Fat Kontroller was steady and measured ascending the stairs, whereas Shazza was bouncing around like a demented yoyo. Josie and I joined them under the bright spotlights, standing behind our Glorious Leader while he made his acceptance speech. We posed with our trophy for the official photographer with beaming smiles, arms wrapped around each other’s backs. I could feel Josie’s right boob pressed up against me, my hand lightly resting alongside her satin covered left. This is probably the closest I’ll ever get to touching her tits, I lamented whilst we all shouted “Cheese!” at the camera.

Lol had procured a bottle of Bollinger and was already pouring it out by the time we returned to our table. “A toast to F A Kontrell,” he said, handing me a bubbling champagne flute. “And to Miss Egg and her award submission writing prowess!”

“Oh give over, Lol,” I said punching his arm, but loving his efforts to big me up. “It was a team effort,” I stated magnanimously.

“Oh no, Harry,” Shazza said slyly, handing me the trophy we’d just collected. “You definitely deserve this!”

It might have been the nervous anticipation or the excitement of winning, but I hadn’t fully appreciated the trophy’s shape until that moment. It was a heavy, crystal egg on a pedestal base. “Because it’s the shape of my name?” I asked.

“No,” Shazza hooted maliciously. “For your enormous butt plug collection!!”

Jesus fuck! What the hell?!

Undeterred by lack of laughter from the rest of us, Shazza cackled wildly and dug in. “You know, to go with one you got for Chrissmass!” she said oblivious to the shocked faces around the table.

Josie pulled away from Zander and stood up. “Sharon! Take that back,” she reprimanded her.

“An’ you can shut up, you snobby bitch! Or will Alfie beat me up, too?” Shazza sneered. A red flush crept from her chest, up her neck and flooding her contorted face. She pawed at Zander’s sleeve, “You know her boyfrien’ beat ‘arry up, doncha? Thought she was trying it on and tried to drown her in chocolate. Didn’t kishy prisshy pants tell you?”

“Sharon! It’s time you went home. I’ll call you a taxi,” the Fat Kontroller said, placing an arm around her shoulders to shepherd her away from the table.

“And get your hands off me!” Shazza shouted angrily, squirming out from the Fat Kontroller’s, causing a bout of rubber-necking from the surrounding tables. “I’ll do you! I’ll tell HR!”

Josie pulled herself upright. She looked magnificent, eyes glittering with righteous fury. “I am HR, Shazza! Duly noted. Now go home, you’re drunk!”

Shazza suddenly looked confused at the turn of events. The room had descending in silence at her outburst. Even the presenter had stopped speaking and was peering down at our table. Talk about snatching defeat in the face of victory!

“Oh Mishter K, I’m sorry…” Shazza slurred, allowing him to lead her away but the drunken cow wasn’t quite done. “Call me!” she sloshed back at Zander. Fat chance, you never pick up the fucking phone!

Zander shifted away from Josie, “You have a boyfriend?”

“Oh, um, I…” Josie faltered, losing her composure.

“Harry dear, what was all that about?” Katrina asked open mouthed. “Was that about the chocolate incident?”

“Erm,” I hesitated, “There was a misunderstanding with a chocolate fountain someone had bought Josie for Christmas.”

“You have a boyfriend and a fountain of chocolate?” Zander accused Josie indignantly. “Do you have any idea of the environmental devastation wrought by intense cocoa farming in West Africa?”

“Katrina. Simon. I am so sorry for the upset,” I apologised, refilling their glasses. I slumped back in my seat and drained my Champagne flute. “Oh god! What a fucking disaster,” I said under my breath.

“Don’t sweat it, love,” Lol said laughing and gave me a hug. “Just look at this way, Harry, not only did you win an award tonight but it looks like you might be getting shot of Shazza at last.”

“Heh,” I scoffed sceptically and looked over at the perceptible rift opening up between a suspicious looking Zander and Josie, guiltily gnawing at her bottom lip with pearly white teeth. Yeah, I conceded, things could have turned out a whole lot worse.

*******

There may or may not be a Part 3 Dear Reader. I don’t yet know, as I’m only writing the top and bottom portions, and RooBeeDoo is filling in the middle bits + doing any formatting/making any all decisions. A tough job I’m sure.

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*can we effectively operate without knowing the particulars of what others are doing and/or might be doing? Or does the veil need…some assistance?*

I guess we’ll know, when and if we know. If not, we’ll know. Don’t worry…I’m not eggzactly sure what that means either.

Queue song. 😉

*******

Shithead Jen

*Snot shit… /facepalms… The quote is, “It’s not shit”, Clicky… /rolls eyes… Couldn’t find a slightly long gif? …/stubs butt…*

Clicky and I decided we couldn’t not include an, um, Epi-chocolate-logue to end, Dear Reader…

fire screen

*Fanks, Clicky… /pats snout…*

The elevator journey up to the office the next morning was interminably long and extra bumpy, rattling my brains and turning my stomach. Shazza wasn’t manning reception but that was nothing new. I strolled round to my desk clutching our trophy in one hand and my head in the other. The Fat Kontroller was waiting for me, looking as fresh as a daisy. How does he do it?

“Good morning, Harry. We made the press,” he said handing me a copy of the local paper. “Front page.”

I placed the trophy on my desk and sat down, spreading the newspaper out and tried to focus. Josie had indeed made the front page, but so had Shazza – the awards photographer had captured the commotion. He’d even managed to capture the line of spittle streaming from Shazza’s spiteful mouth.

I read out the headline, “’Fracas at Local Business Awards. What a FAK Up!’. Oh bollocks!”

“You’ll be able to sort won’t you, Harry,” the Fat Kontroller said, picking up the trophy and polished it with his sleeve. “There’s a Good Egg.”

Happy Easter, Dear Reader. And don’t forget to stuff your faces with as much chocolate as you can because, next year… who know?

Have a Song 😀

Breakfast Embed Part 1 – Ova Easty

Dear Reader, I hate to be the one to inform you of this, but the task has fallen to me to inform you of that, which you do not know. Hang on a sec…

giphy

*wtf was that noise? Nope…no one there. Musta been the wind …/me shrugs…*

Anyway, erm, where was I? OH YEAH!!! Tragedy has befallen RooBeeDoo, and she appears to have lost her fucking mind. Mainly because she asked me to write the opening and closing bits of a post or two. And who am I, you might ask? My name is Mr. Slimey, but I don’t mind if you call me Mr. S.

Begging your pardon, but would you mind hanging on again for one more moment? I shan’t be long.

giphy1

* Hmmm…that’s weird. Strange noises, strange events, but no space dolphin to be found anywhere. How odd…*

The story that follows is a story written by RooBeeDoo called The Inchoate Egg, and it’s a good one. I know it’s a good story because I’ve read it. Good? Nah…it’s great. A great story, that I now present it to you without much further delay. Just gotta close all these random opening doors.

Enjoy your read, and catch ya on the flipside.

*******

airplane glance

*Aww… Nice work with the doors btw, Clicky… /pats snout… Cade’s got a story in the next Anthology… /scratches nose… ’bout a door or sumfin’…*

Thank you, Cade ❤

Dear Reader, as it’s nearly Easter, I thought I’d post my second story from ‘The Underdog Anthology II: Tales The Hollow Bunnies Tell’, last year’s Easter-themed, collective offering

*Oh I thought it would be fun, Clicky… /lights up… if Cade provided bread… /drags… and I provided the filling for a Missive sammich… /streams smoke…*

I’ve split it in two, so ‘The Inchoate Egg’ will be concluded in a following post. Hopefully today…

*/squints… ‘Vanillin’? …/flicks ash… Do you think they mean vanilla, Clicky? …/shrugs…*

… If not, then tomorrow. Enjoy! 😀

The Inchoate Egg

by Roo B. Doo

“Patience is a virtue, Harry,” Payroll Pammy chimed as she glided past the elevator on the way to the kitchen, carrying a tray of empty mugs. I was inside the lift, gnashing my teeth while I waited for the doors of the ancient mechanism to close. Pammy evidently shared the consensus opinion of the minions at F A Kontrell, that the elevator to our 5th floor offices is ‘very slow’.

More like fucking glacial, I fumed, as I stood over the control panel and angrily jabbed at the ‘door close’ button, each jab accompanied by an entreaty to “close, you fucking bastard.” Slowly, the door halves started their whiny crawl toward each other and were just about to touch when a smooth, tanned hand, topped with exquisitely polished pink fingernails, halted their long awaited reunion by adroitly sliding between them.

“Hold the lift, please!”

I recognised both the hand and voice, and my chest tightened at the thought of being in close proximity with the office goddess I’d lusted after. I felt a tinge of fear too, if I’m honest, as the last time we’d been alone together hadn’t exactly worked out that well for me. Josie looked surprised to see me lurking in the corner of the lift, finger still hovering over the ‘door close’ button. It must have looked as if I were deliberately trying to shut her out.

“Oh, hello Harry,” she said sheepishly. She moved to the opposite corner at the back of the lift, putting as much distance between us as she could. “How are you?”

“I’ve been worse.”

The words hung between us and I wondered if, like me, she was remembering the night several months ago when Alfie, her brick shithouse of a boyfriend, had tried to kill me over a misunderstanding. He came home from work unexpectedly and thought I was trying to debauch his girl with an obscene Secret Santa gift. As If!

Of course I had been trying to gain access to the fair Josie’s knickers, but not with anything so crass as the oversized sex toy that Alfie had seized upon. I’d been using an entirely more tasteful gift, targeting Josie’s weakness for chocolate. It was classy and it had nearly worked too.

I turned back to the control panel and resumed my button jabbing, minus the swearing. For once the lift doors effortlessly glided together first time with barely a murmur, sealing us in. The lift compensated for the unexpected quiet efficiency with a gut flipping jolt before starting its grindingly slow journey downwards.

Well this is awkward, I thought.

Josie and I hadn’t really spoken since that night. She’d been avoiding me and my ardour had been tempered somewhat by the painfully real threat of a good hiding from her boyfriend. Mr Kontrell, a.k.a. the Fat Kontroller, had called me a ‘Good Egg’ after I’d declined to press charges – so reluctant was he to see his company dragged through the mud that he offered me a substantial pay rise in return for keeping my mouth shut.

It was an offer I was happy to accept. Besides, I didn’t want to sabotage any future chance with Josie by being the cause of her boyfriend being locked up, no matter how much the animal deserved it. That I’d survived Alfie’s ire at all was entirely down to the girl herself, who’d stop his murderous rampage with a substantial kick to his bollocks. I only wished I’d been conscious to see it.

The silence between us was deafening over the groaning lift mechanism. I decided to break it. “So, are you bunking off early?”

I turned toward Josie and she smiled back shyly. Fuck, but she is beautiful, I thought, and felt my stomach flutter. I smiled back, drinking in the delicacy of her elfin features framed by glossy, black hair, and not to mention a smoking hot body that would cause Elle McPherson to weep. To think, I’d been that close to sticking my tongue down her throat.

“Yes, kind of,” she replied, “I’ve been asked to attend the county-wide business awards ceremony tonight, so I’m going to work from home this afternoon.”

I took a sharp intake of breath. “The one at the civic centre?” I asked slowly. What the fuck!

“Yes,” Josie hesitated, “Shazza’s asked me if I’d go. Apparently one of the guests can’t make it now.”

“Oh right.” I nodded slowly and tried to keep my voice neutral, “we’re up for ‘Green Business of the Year’. I wrote our submission.”

“Are you going as well?” Josie asked with surprise. There was that awkwardness again and we hadn’t even passed the 3rd floor yet.

“Well yeah, that’s why I’m bunking off. I’ve booked the afternoon off so that I’ve got plenty of time to get ready and arrive before our guests do,” I explained calmly whilst fuming inside. I’d only just left the office, for fuck’s sake! What client? When did they pull out and why the fuck hadn’t our jumped up bitch of a receptionist told me about it? It was my event to organise after all, not Shazza’s. “Did Sharon give you any more detail?”

“Only the dress code and start time.” Josie gently gnawed at her bottom lip with perfect white teeth. “Harry, about what happened at Christmas…”

“It’s not necessary, Josie,” I said holding up a hand. “It was a misunderstanding.”

The slowest lift in Christendom was about to creak past the first floor and now she wanted to talk. “I’m not…” she trailed off. “You know…”

“A raving chocoholic? Yeah you are.” I winked at her. “Look, what’s done is done. I’m happy if we can remain friends.” It was a lie but what could I do?

She looked relieved and I felt relieved we’d finally reached the ground floor. I held back and let Josie leave. One, it occurred to me that Alfie, who chauffeured her to and from work, might be waiting outside, and it probably wasn’t a good idea for him to see us emerge from the building together. And two, I had a bit of unfinished business to attend to.

“I’m just gonna go back up and see Shazza,” I explained when Josie turned round to see if I was following. “I’d better find out who’s dropped out and if there’s anything else she’s neglected to tell me.”

“Okay, I’ll see you later tonight then, Harry.” She gave me that shy smile again and left.

I waited until she was out of earshot. “Yes!” I hissed under my breath and punched the air before returning to jab at the lift buttons once again. “Come on you bastard, close!”

Quel surprise! Shazza wasn’t manning the reception desk, the job she was paid to do but seldom bothered with. When I did find her, she was sitting in my chair, at my desk, looking rapturously up at the Fat Kontroller, who in return was getting an eyeful of her lumpy tits. There really isn’t enough mind bleach in the world to purge me of that horrific mental tableaux. I resisted the impulse to retch.

“What’s this I hear, Josie’s going tonight?” I walked up and sat on my desk between the two of them.

“Ah Harry! I was just going over tonight’s guest list with Shazza,” the Fat Kontroller said, looking a little flustered. And why not? I’d just caught him ogling our fat receptionist’s cleavage. Dirty old fuck – Shaz is at least half his age.

“So who’s pulled out?” I plucked the guest list from Shazza’s hand, looked at it and put it down beside me. “And when did we know?”

“Phil Gutteridge and not that long ago,” Shazza answered defensively.

“That’s my fault, Harry,” the Fat Kontroller added. “I thought you’d gone for the day so I asked Sharon to invite Josie.”

“Okay. But why can’t he make it?” Shit! Phil is one of our more reliable clients, an absolutely corker of a guest for these sort of shindigs. He never passed up an offer of free grub and booze, and watching him eat and drink was a sight to behold, like a ravenous Serengeti lion attacking a gazelle carcass – worthy of David Attenborough narration.

“He broke his arm at the gym this morning,” the Fat Kontroller continued. “Running on the treadmill, apparently. He missed his mouth taking a big gulp of water. Slipped in the resulting puddle and down he went.”

I clamped a hand over my mouth to subdue a laugh – Phil isn’t the smallest of men, or healthiest. “Damn! I warned him about gyms. And drinking water.”

But the Fat Kontroller wasn’t finished. “I’m afraid Mrs Kontrell won’t be able to make it now either.”

“No. Is your wife poorly again?” I asked with deep concern.

“Yes, she has one of her heads on.” At least the Fat Kontroller had the decency to look embarrassed trotting out the familiar excuse. It was uncanny how often the chain smoking, soap opera addicted Mrs K pulled out of company events due to having ‘one of her heads on’. In the two and a half years I’d worked for the Fat Kontroller, I hadn’t met her once.

“So who are we going to get to replace her? A client?” I asked him. I was purposefully not including Shazza in the conversation, but now, from the corner of my eye, I caught her suddenly sitting up straighter, a simpering grin replacing the petulant pout on her face. Oh no, I thought. No, please, not Shaz!

“During Easter school holidays? No, it’s much too short notice to ask any other clients now,” the Fat Kontroller opined. “Happily young Sharon has offered to step into the breach.” He flourished his hand toward a beaming Shazza.

Oh fuck! That was all I needed, having a sneering, drunken Shazza, making sly digs at me all evening and googly eyes at the Fat Kontroller. “Are you sure there’s no one else we could ask? Tonight is kind of a big deal for F A Kontrell. What about Phil’s deputy?”

To give him credit, the Fat Kontroller did look as if he were seriously considering my suggestion, but I could tell that ship had already sailed. Still, it felt good to see Shazza’s grin falter and disappear again. She threw me a malevolent look, which I returned with raised eyebrows and condescending smile. Squirm bitch!

“No, I think we’ll stick with the revised line up,” the Fat Kontroller decided. “Although it probably won’t do us any harm to have a couple of beautiful additions on our table.” He winked at Shazza who visibly preened.

Ugh! I mentally grimaced, I fucking hope you’re referring to Josie and Shaz and not just to Shazza’s tits!

“Right. I’ll make sure not to tell Mrs K that…” If I ever get to meet her. I gave the Fat Kontroller a friendly nudge. God knows he deserved it for the mental abuse inflicted by his flirting with Shazza. As for our ambitious receptionist, I hadn’t forgiven her yet for the role she played in my Christmas beating – it was her inappropriate Secret Santa gift to me that Alfie had taken offence at.

“I’ll make up the new place cards for the table,” Shazza said, peering at the guest list on the desk. “Zander Rhodes? The fashion designer’s gonna be on our table?”

“Zandra Rhodes is a fashion designer, Shaz” I said barely able to keep the contempt out of my voice. “Zander Rhodes, however, works for Green Crusaders. They’re an environmental charity we’ve been tapping up.”

“Networking with, Harry,” the Fat Kontroller corrected me with a chuckle. “I met him at a function in the City. Nice lad, very driven. There’s some synergy there that could be mutually beneficial.”

That’s what I said – tapping up! I thought with a mental sigh. I got up to leave, “Well, alright then, if you and Shaz have got it all under control, I shall take my afternoon off now and bugger off home. See you both later.”

This time I decided to forego the extended lift experience and took the stairs.

Will the Fat Kontroller win his the prize? Does Harry pull? Will Josie allow it? And how much drink can Shazza safely handle?

*The spread… /stubs butt…*

… Find out next time. Now, ova to Cade…

*******

I apologize for all the strangeness and strange events Dear Reader. I’ve not a clue what is going on with all the self-opening doors. Next thing you know, windows will be opening entirely on their own, and entire houses may suddenly be prone to levitation. Excuse me one more moment if you please…

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*all kinds of unusual shit going on to be sure, but nothing really…”out of the ordinary”…per se /me scratches chin…*

Meh…I’ll see to that in a minute. But I’m confident that we’ll get, whatever this is, worked out to a logical conclusion. We may even stumble across some help and helpers along the way.

helphasalmostarrived
*no…that’s more along the lines of “professional help”, so I think their particular services are unlikely… /me looks around for anything…fishy…*

And on that note…let’s cue us up a song.

Hag With A Fag

*Afternoon, Clicky… /pats snout… What’s the Song in aid of? … /lights up… *

*Oh… /rolls eyes… Leggy is trying… /drags…*

*Eighteen credits, eh? …/flicks ash…*

Good afternoon, Dear Reader! 😀 It’s snowing again. Not as much as last time, but Thoughtful Man is out working in it…

*Hee is indeed… /blows smoke ring…*

… And I’m sat here, on Sat-‘ere-day, pondering the idea of  an anthology short story about ‘hedge riding’…

Three hedge riders in a rowThree hedge riders in a row 1

*Great mates… /puff contentedly… I’m so lucky, Clicky…*

Can someone be both a Hedge Rider and Hedge Witch? Yes if they are practicing crossing the veil, second sight and also find their core practice in their garden etc. If one is performing herbal magic without the Journey work, divination,
and spirit work then they are practicing Hedge Witchery and not Hedge Riding. These practices very much compliment each other. Hedge Riders use poison herbs to aid in flight, while the Hedge Witch is able to connect with the spirit world through meditations.

… And flights of fancy.

‘The Solanaceae, or nightshades, are an economically important family of flowering plants. The family ranges from annual and perennial herbs to vines, lianas, epiphytes, shrubs, and trees, and includes a number of important agricultural crops, medicinal plants, spices, weeds, and ornamentals. Many members of the family contain potent alkaloids, and some are highly toxic, but many, including tomatoes, potatoes, eggplant, bell/chili peppers, and tobacco are widely used.

Looking out the window, I see that our garden hedge is cloaked in snow…

Haw (n.)

“enclosure,” Old English haga “enclosure, fortified enclosure; hedge,” from Proto-Germanic *hag-(source also of Old Norse hagi, Old Saxon hago, German Hag “hedge;” Middle Dutch hage, Dutch haag, as in the city name The Hague), from PIE root *kagh- “to catch seize; wickerwork fence” (see hedge (n.), and compare hag). Meaning “fruit of the hawthorn bush” (Old English) is perhaps short for *hægberie.

… thinking I’m glad I don’t have to go outside to smoke in this weather. I’d hate to be made go outside to smoke today, Dear Reader. Standing on the street smoking makes me feel like a whore…

*Yikes! /final drag… That’s a different kind of hag, Clicky… /stubs butt… Nightmarish all the same. I can use that…*

Stay warm and enjoy your weekend, Dear Reader. Oh, and… Have a Song 😉

*A train of thought for a flight of fancy eh, Clicky? /pats snout… Come on, I’d better start writing it… /lights up…*

 

Mating Dance

It’s Mother’s Day today, Dear Reader…

*Yeah, Clicky, that so reminds me of mum… /lights up…*

I’ve not been about much as I’m settling into my new job and editing some short stories submissions for the next Underdog Anthology

Two Finger Salute

*That’s right, number 5… /drags… *

… And struggling to write a submission of my own. So, I thought I’d post an extract from Mother’s scribblings, to see if it can’t get my own creative juices flowing…

*Fingers crossed, Clicky… /flicks ash… fingers crossed…*

*******

Extract from ‘A Family History for Ruth and Julia (Gawd ‘Elp Us!**)’, a.k.a. ‘The Ma Papers’ by Judith Eileen Newton (formerly Shewan, née Packer)

My cousin Margaret and I used to go to a dance hall at Catford called The Savoy. It was really classy compared with Victor Sylvester’s. It was later renamed Mr Smith’s and was closed down after a fatal shooting, and I read in a crime book that the shooting was to do with the Richardson gang.

The Savoy had a member’s bar downstairs, and typically for the time, only men could be members; women could only be guests. Our main aim was to meet a man who was a member so that you could enter the inner sanctum so to speak. It was a really weird sight on a Saturday night because the main dance floor was virtually empty except for girls until about 10 o’clock. They would be dancing together and waiting for the boys – who by now were well oiled having been downstairs drinking all evening – to appear, ready to pull.

To have a long term boyfriend that was a club member enabled you to bypass the upstairs dance floor and go straight downstairs with your bloke. Then you could amble upstairs with him later and look down our noses at the expectant girls amassed as if to say ‘Look what I have got girls. Eat your heart out’.

I’ve always been fascinated with people and psychology and I think that, even then, I looked at people and mused. I have been in both situations at The Savoy – both with a bloke and without – and the mating dance is fascinating. It rarely changes; just the people were different. When I started to go dancing again, after Daddy died and I moved to Southend, I was petrified because I had not done that sort of thing for years. I really shouldn’t have worried because it has not changed. Oh the words are different, and the remarks are cruder and courser, but basically it’s the same.

The boys arrive and circle the floor sizing up the talent. The girls try to look nonchalant but are also eyeing up the boys. They have a sixth sense about who is going to ask them to dance and will indicate to the girl that they are dancing with that two guys are approaching, and whether they look good or not. The other will then say ‘no, I don’t fancy them’ or ‘yes, they are all right’ and the boys will then try to split them up. That’s easy if the girls fancy the boys, but virtually impossible to split them if they don’t.

Remarks like ‘Piss off’ or worse were not used in those days and yet I have heard them nowadays. Back then we gently declined and the boys continued to circle looking for other likely candidates. The girls’ worry was wasting a dance on someone that they did not fancy and missing out on a better prospect. The boys’ worry was to be left without a girl at the end of the evening.

The worse part of being a girl was that if your mate was prettier than you. She would be asked to dance while standing on the sideline, and this would leave you on your own if you were not asked to dance. You felt embarrassed, and even though you both agreed at the beginning of the evening that one would not dance and leave the other alone, when the crunch came ‘all’s fair in love and war‘.

Margaret being 4 years older than me was particularly unscrupulous in this respect. Many’s the time when I have refused to dance with someone and leave her on her own when, blow me, she’d be off with the first bloke that asked her, leave me standing.

It was on one of these memorable occasions when Daddy ambled up to me and it all started. Margaret and I were dancing when the boys came upstairs. I saw these two blokes eyeing us up and said to Margaret, “There are two boys coming over. Say no.”

Terry asked Margaret to dance and she said “Yes”. His lanky friend asked me and I said “No”. Margaret waltzed off with Terry, leaving us standing there awkwardly.

Still smiling, Daddy leaned down and whispered in my ear,“I have just walked the whole length of this dance floor to ask you to dance, don’t make me look like a fool now.” So I danced with him and your lives began.

Terry took Margaret home and she lived in Bellingham, which is a long way from Bermondsey, which is where I lived. As it turned out both Terry and Bob lived in Bermondsey, too.  Sods law is that I went to Catford to meet new folk and end up with a bloke that lived in the next street.

I will not go into any more details here I will leave the details until the chapter about myself.

*******

Catford Bellingham Southend

*That’s kinda weird, Clicky… /final drag…*

Enjoy your Sunday, Dear Reader, and… Have a Song ❤

Missive From ‘Merica: Tapestry? */snap…* His Story!

Cade sent across another missive last night, Dear Reader, and I’m delighted to present it for your perusal, below.

I believe the Okie Devil was inspired to write it by the Bayeux Tapestry, and the news that it could be leaving France for the first time in 950 years, to be displayed in the UK…

*Ha! My favourite tweet on the subject, Clicky… /lights up…*

alan-alan-rickman-31594018-400-254

*/shrugs… Harold Godwinson was the last of the Anglo-Saxon kings, Clicky…*

*/drags… He’s not wrong… /streams smoke… I LOVE that album…*

*******

GET YOUR SHIT WIRED TIGHT…AND THEN WE’LL TALK!!!

Is this the dogma of “The West”?

Is this the dogma of “business”?

Is this the dogma of “government”?

Surely this cannot be the dogma of government. If someone has their shit together, the government should have no business whatsoever with me.

Oh really? 

How do they know “your shit is wired tight”?

GET YOUR SHIT WIRED TIGHT…OR ELSE!!!

IF YOU DON’T GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER…WE’RE GONNA HAVE A TALK!!!

Everything, about all of those, says…

“AWAY!!!”

Go away.

Stay away.

Stay back.

Keep back.
Back away.
And don't stop until you fall off the planet.
^Crystal Chakra Meditation 1 Hour^

I just saw one of those “vanishing Tweets” and was about to comment on it, but it disappeared. A shame too, because it was interesting. I guess I’ll have to do my own homework…so let’s get to it!

The Tweet was about The Bayeux Tapestry, and the Tweet contained a picture of a news story, and the headline asserted that…

“The tapestry is a great historical so-and-so about The Battle of Hastings”

…then asked the question:

“…but is it any good.”

I was only allowed to see the Tweet for a moment, because when I went to start writing my comment, I got a pop-up that said…

“You may not be able to complete this action”

…so I refreshed my page to see if something had gone wack with my browser, but when the page finished refreshing, the Tweet was gone.

Now…I’ve noticed quite a few “disappearing Tweets” from this particular user. But before we get too hung up on “the commercial aspects/angles” and/or “social/political/personal implications” of someone deleting Tweets, let’s pick a better, more juicy target to pick on…

me.

I found the story….

The Bayeux Tapestry – historic, yes, but is it any good? Johnathan Jones

I don’t have the text of the Tweet, but as soon as I saw the headline, and thought about what I thought the headline said, it got me to IMMEDIATELY thinking…

DUDE!!! You read ALL of that shit completely…fucking…WRONG!!!

But before I get to picking on myself too much, let me tell you the first thing that popped into my head upon reading the Tweet…

“The Bayeux Tapestry is going up for sale.”

The Tweet did not contain a link to the story, which is why I was going to comment at all. I figured that the author of the Tweet had given all of the information they cared to give, and was hoping that someone would engage with them based on the facts presented. And what were the facts presented?

  • Screen-shot image of story,
  • Tweet text comment from user, which included a reference to “1066”.

I recall “1066” being in the text of the Tweet, but that’s all I recall. The rest of the contents is kinda…fuzzy…but I remember the overall vibe of the text. So…having watched this particular user for a while, let’s now go back, and see if they’ve made a new Tweet with the same contents.*

*My thinking at this point is, they forgot something, deleted the Tweet, and will make a new Tweet with the missing/corrected whatever.

^Muse – Madness^

BINGO!!!

At the time of this writing, it shows that the tweet was made 21 minutes ago, which means that it took me 21 minutes to think about, and write, all that bullshit above. No fucking wonder I don’t write for a living. I digress.

The text of the above tweet is different from the text of the original Tweet. At this point, I am half-tempted to DM the user, and ask her if she would be so kind as to provide me with the text of the original Tweet.

But I'm not going to do that. 

I’m going to do what I normally do, which is blunder around in the dark, and do the best that I can with what I have. This may sound egotistical, but the only thing that I really have, is me. A dark, dense, blundering, blabbering me, and the bright flashes that come from elsewhere/others. I take those flashes from others, mold them into something my own, and hopefully, flash back. Who sees these “flashes” of mine?

/me shrugs

No idea. In my mind, that’s not quite the point. “The point” is to be inspired, and further inspire.

/me shrugs again
^Florence + The Machine – Dog Days Are Over (2010 Version)^

All videos have stopped working for me on Twitter. Embedded videos no longer work, and I can no longer save images by right-clicking and choosing “save-as”. Now that I think about it, right-clicking on anything gives me nothing at all. My pop-up menu functionality within Twitter seems to have been removed. I can’t even intentionally click on a pic or vid and get it to work.

I admit that the auto-play bullshit irritates the fuck out of me, because most of my time on Twitter is spent with a DM chat window open. If I open that DM window, and there is some looping shit embedded and playing behind that DM window, then eventually, Twitter dies, and it usually takes my browser(s) with it. And if I remember to scroll to where there are no vids behind the DM window, I also have to make sure that I have hidden any auto-playing streaming bullshit in the sidebar.

That said, Twitter still crashes all the fucking time, and it is a fucking resource hog, but I must point out, that this is the price of automating and automation. If you want shit to do everything for you…there’s a price to pay for that.

I gotta think tho, that if shit like this isn’t an indication,that Twitter is doing something about these perceived “problems” that Twitter has, you just aren’t looking. And if you customize the living shit out of your Twitter to work for you and only you, then you’ll have no idea what others may be seeing/not seeing, nor how they are seeing it.

To be fair, I’m running an operating system that is no longer supported, and using a browser that is no longer supported/no longer updated, all running on a computer that is no longer supported.

If that ain’t some “Logan’s Run” type shit, I don’t know what is.

GET UPDATED, OR GTFO GRANDPA!!!

STFU AND STFD ON YOUR WAY OUT OLD MAN!!!

😐
^Massive Attack – Angel^

Let’s get back to this tapestry/Tweet. I went to Google, searched for “the bayeux tapestry” (without quotes) and there were three news stories at the top of the results.

Bayeux Tapestry to be displayed in UK for the first time

The Bayeux Tapestry shows Britain’s birth as a European nation

The Bayeux Tapestry – historic, yes, but is it any good? Johnathan Jones

When I clicked on the second story link, the headline on the story itself was different from the headline that Google was showing in its results. The headline in Google’s results was…

“Why the Bayeux Tapestry’s loan to Britain is a homecoming”.

Isn’t that “bait and switch” kinds of shit? Grab you with one thing, then switch it to something else? Like…”a funhouse” at a carnival. Many times, there’s not much fun going on in a funhouse. Anyway…I found the story that I was looking for, have now found that there is a new Tweet that replaced the deleted one, so what is left?

A: Me.

Me, me, me, and only me, surrounded by a bunch of shit that isn’t mine, and I’m left with only:

A) what I take away from this experience, and

B) what I do with it from there.

What possible good could come from some uneducated and unemployed loser, spending is “free time” contemplating “the dynamics of the world”? I dunno. That’s not my job. That’s your job. I only work here.

Q: Is there some “omen” associated with “The Bayeux Tapestry” coming to England?

A: Or did I just make that shit up?

The process of trying to understand confusing shit, while looking at confusing shit…is…confusing. That said, why would you ever think that “confusion” would be clear? Is where we are, so contextually clear, that it’s confusing?

Clarity = Clear

Confusion = Confusing

Did I word/list those correctly?
^Junkie XL – Dark Territory^

OK, I guess I didn’t make that “omen” shit up…

‘Although there is no direct connection between typical celestial events and the affairs of humans, our superstitions have resulted in many dramatic consequences.’

So what is the connection? I dunno. History is history. If you are looking for and to history, as some sort of roadmap to the future? Yeah…you might be missing some shit. Primarily, what are you going to do when the road ends? What you are going to do when you tumble off the map? That’s, when you are prolly going to start looking around for signs and wonders. Something…ANYfucking-thing to give you some clue as to where you went wrong…

what went wrong…

where you are…

where to go from there.

If you’ve got compatriots along for the ride, there’s prolly going to be some pissing and moaning.

Just sayin'.
^Junkie XL – Today (UNKLE Remix)^

Getting back to my thoughts about “The Bayeux Tapestry being sold”…there’s a few things that come to mind…

  • I’ve no fucking clue where it is, nor who owns it,
  • Is it possible, that once it gets to where it is going, that it will never leave there?
  • SURELY no one is stupid enough to try and steal it.

So…given the fact that I know fuck all about this tapestry, why would “It’s Going On The Market” be the first thing to pop into my head? Prolly because that’s about the only time that “art” is in the news. Which… isn’t writing an art? Or at least, an art form? Both? Is there some sort of artisan pissing contest going on there?

But let’s say, that there is some political wrangling going on. Now, what could that be about? Brexit? Political favors being exchanged? Surely thieves would not be stupid enough to wait until the tapestry was actually on British soil to steal it. I guess that would depend largely on “who the thieves are”…wouldn’t it? What are those rules about making political statements?

It must be public, and brutal.

Some scapegoats and/or patsys would prolly come in handy as well.

Now I remember why I don’t like thinking like this.

Now I remember why I don’t like writing fiction.

^Junkie XL – Tennis^

Thinking now about the year 1066, thinking about Haley’s Comet which last appeared in 1986, thinking about the year 2066, and considering that it is currently 2018, let’s go backwards a bit and see what was going on in the year 1018.

1018

Let’s us see what was going on in Europe…

Peace – Bautzen
Battle – River Bug
Battle – Vlaardingen
Resistance – Bulgarian
Surrender – Kiev
Battle – Cannae
Battle – Carham
Succession – Denmark

WHEW!!! That’s some fucked-up shit right there!!! It started off with peace, then went straight to hell. Even so, that January peace? If they found peace in January of 1018, doesn’t that mean that someone was at war in 1017?

^AWOLNATION – Run (Audio)^

What I am primarily thinking about, is a book idea that I have. This book has been bumping around in my head for a very long time, and it’s called “1033”. Or, it will be, should I ever actually write the fucking thing.

It’s the story, of a dude born in 1967, and this dude manages to survive a fuckton of adversity that no one said he would survive, and somehow lives to see the year 2000. Not only that, the guy goes on to live to see the year 2100. Even more fantastic than that? He goes on to see the year 3000. Hence, 1033. The story, is about the stories that this guy tells, how he tells them, who he tells them to, and why. A traveler. A time-traveler, yes…but a different kind of time traveler. Or at least, his travels here and now are a shade different. Where does it go from 3000 C.E.? Welp…that’s where things get really fucking interesting.

Heh...heh...heH.

Enough of that bullshit…let’s get back to reality. Once we get back to reality, we can talk about data preservation, data retention, and legacy.

^Junkie XL – dealing with the roster^

I’m writing this bullshit in OpenOffice’s Writer application, and this is WAY fucking different than writing shit in MS WordPad. The text is fucking HUGE, and I’ve not found the courage to try and tinker with the settings so that everything on the screen isn’t so goddamn massive.

The other thing that is irritating, is that Writer turns all URLs into hyperlinks automatically. Well, only if you use a hard return after pasting in the text of a URL. I personally arrow around a lot when navigating around a document. Meaning: when and where I can, I use the arrow keys on the keyboard to get around. Prevents me from having to use the mouse. The mouse is fucking GREAT for some computer uses. Surfing the web is one, but for text and/or documents?

Nope.

If you want to push your “skillz” try and challenge yourself to surf The Web without using the mouse. It can be done. You’re going to have to learn a fuckton of keyboard commands and hotkeys, but that’s the point…learning. That shit is there for a reason. Computer engineers aren’t idiots, and they certainly aren’t stupid. Just because you get to benefit from the simplicity of a mouse click and/or hotkey combination, doesn’t mean that the engineers who designed that functionality didn’t spend a fucking FUCKTON of time developing the systems and procedures that made that key-combo and/or mouse click such a simplicity for you. I can assure you, they did, and they do. All so you can better do all of that hard complex shit that you need to do in order to get your job done.

🙂

^Junkie xl – Spirits ft. Saffron^

Frank over at Merovee has a new article up…

1 Central Park, Trump And Paddock

I read through it last night, and it got me to thinking about “compression”. I didn’t comment over there, but I thought about it as I laid in bed and tried to go to sleep last night, and now here I am commenting about it here.

Stew. Redux. Compression. Loss. Ratios. Numbers. Compression. Expansion.

That last bit messed with my head a bit. I was thinking on expansion from a Universal perspective regarding a Galactic context. Meaning: A Galaxy expanding within a Universe that is neither expanding nor contracting. Prolly some speed considerations to be made there, and some time(s) considerations to be made as well.

If the Universe and A Galaxy are both expanding at the same time, there is prolly going to need to be some synchronious/synchronous timings to accommodate both, as well as some asynchronious/asynchronous timings to offset. How can an offset amend?

Offset
Amend
Offset
Amend
UTC Offset

My thinking is that sometimes, you need to simultaneously know not only how fast you are going, but also how fast you are NOT going. Why? Simple. Observers. There’s more to sensing and senses than just and only sight.

^Hans Zimmer – Inception (Junkie XL Remix)^

If you are looking for something definitive, congrats…you’re there.

Welcome To Here...Population = You.
^deadmau5 – FML Again^

Last night, Whatshername made some grub, she notified as to its availability, and I wandered into the kitchen to feed my fat face. As I was poking at the lumpy wads of rice that remained in the rice cooker, I overheard my daughter talking about…erm…politics. Like…personal politics. Within her circle of friends, it appears that there was an exclusive gathering, and some within the circle were not invited. This caused those not invited some dismay, and Whatshername commented something to the effect of…

“Well, you know they are all very clicky.”

My youngest son was sitting at the table eating/listening, and he asked “what is ‘clicky’?”

Whatshername replied, “They’ve all got their own little groups, within the group, and these little groups are very clicky, meaning they only hang out with each other, and the rules of the larger group don’t apply to them.”

It turns out that this “group that gathered” was/is headed by the very person who makes the rules for the large group/whole group, and that rule is…

“no fraternizing in groups/sub-groups outside of the whole group”.

So…when this same person actually had a get together, and only invited a select few of the whole group, those not invited were…confused.

Clique

I loaded my plate as fast as possible, and retreated to my room.

^deadmau5 – It’s Not You^

I was gonna write some more bullshit, but I’m now at 7 pages, so I’m gonna dial it back, then cut it off. I usually just write until I don’t feel like writing anymore, then look at the physical file size to determine how large the post is going to be.

15k to 20k = meh

20k to 25k = average

25k to 30k = beefy

30k+ = wtf?!?!??!

What could POSSIBLY be on my mind, that I needed to write so much?

But this is my first post written in OpenOffice Writer, so, I’m trying to be mindful of that “page x/x” thingie down in the bottom left-hand corner.

But yeah…a clique. A club. A club of clubs.

Sounds like a beating.

😉

^FIRST OF THE YEAR (EQUINOX) – SKRILLEX^

cYacFa

^Coldplay – Paradise (Official Video)^

*******

*Yeah… /final drag… A brilliant film, Clicky… /stubs butt… That was another Sunday evening trip to the pictures with Mother… /licks lips… It was absolutely pissing it down that night…*

Dear Reader… Have an album 😉

Missive From ‘Merica: The Eclectic Metric

Cade the Okie Devil in Text US has sent through his first missive of 2018…

*/taps fingertips together with excitement… I think so too, Clicky… I can feel it in my water…*

Catch you bottom, Dear Reader… Enjoy! ❤

*******

This one is gonna be a shade different.

Is that OK with you? Good.

The following was written on last Tuesday…

=======================================================

Hi.

It’s Monday January 2rdst of 2018.

Let’s get to it.

^ATTLAS – Chemical Low Moan^

If the road isn’t serving your needs?

Divide it.

You’ve the right of way…right?

^deadmau5 – Saved^

A certain someone has been picking at my smallish brain about proceedural types of considerations in certain environments. Such as “English” being the “common language” amongst pilots/aviators. I live in a country that speaks English for the most part, so speaking English while flying kinda makes sense to me. I’ve been abroad, so speaking English while flying makes sense to me, but also kinda not.

That said, aviation has its own vernacular. Things borrowed from elsewhere or created out of necessity to represent something specific. No real mystery there because we do that everywhere…but…it’s certainly mysterious.

Or at least, it can be. 

But the objective is communications and communicating. We rely on each other to pull that off. As to whether or not the communications are successful? Let’s wait until we are either safely in the air, or safely on the ground to discuss the particulars…k?

^Matt Lange – You’ll Remember Me (ATTLAS Remix)^

Communications are going to get crossed. Garbled. Misunderstood. To expect 100% is the same as expecting 0% because there are no margins for error. No room for forgiveness. No room to navigate in the moment. That seems to present a domino type of situation where all involved are equally responsible, which means they are potentially equally irresponsible. Or am I being too specific?

^ATTLAS – Burned^

There was a Tweet that caught my eye…

I’ve been thinking about the resonance of metal(s) and stone(s), and other building materials as is pertains to construction. But more than that, I’ve been thinking about transportation of these same things.

Q: Does the Earth/Terra notice when something is moved?

A: !!!

Why wouldn’t our planet know when something is missing? Why wouldn’t our planet notice when something suddenly appears? There seems to be accommodation(s) made in the environment for things to appear and disappear…right? So…all that gold in, say, Kentucky, would you be willing to entertain the possibility that our planet knows where every atom of gold in Kentucky came from?

If so, do you really want to trace that knowing of when and where that gold came from for the entirety of the suspected 13.8 billion year age of our Universe? Might wanna think about carbon and your dating methods before answering. You might get lost in time somewhere.

Just sayin'
^How to Disappear Completely – Radiohead Cover^

This one is gonna be a shade different.

Is that OK with you? Good.

The following was written today, which is today.

j/k

Today, is Sunday January 7th, 2018.

The above is as far as I got last Tuesday. It was a weird week. Having trouble thinking. It’s like another one of those transitional phases where everything is shifting. Or at least, everything is shifting in my head. When this happens, it’s almost like playing catchup with myself in my head. Loads of shit that I’ve not thought about in a while comes crashing in, and I’ve gotta kinda reconcile what falls where as it relates to stuff that I’ve added.

Normally, I would kinda keep this sort of shit “under control” by reading and commenting on blogs elsewhere, along with writing missives/whatevers. But I’ve been avoiding that.

Meh...whatever.
^ATTLAS – Tiff’s Theme^

So yeah…onward…from here…

=======================================================

Q: Is a nuclear weapon fluid?

A: ???

No? The how did it come together? How did something, that is designed specifically to come apart, come together, if it is not fluid?

Oh…and good morning to you.

^Echobelly – Kali Yuga^

Was just watching a documentary on Rocky Flats weapons plant in Colorado…USA. In it, there was a bit where the plant had tried to dispose of waste by mixing it with concrete, then storing it in blocks after the concrete dried. Um…we’re talking about radioactive shit here…right?

Rocky Flats Plant

Rocky Flats Truth Force

Dark Circle (Film)

Unfortunately, the concrete blocks started to leak and/or melt.

Oozey. 

So now, they are oozing radioactive shit everywhere, from a long-term storage area. I wonder if it rains in Colorado?

^Albert Hammond – It never rains in southern California + text^

Got to thinking about this new Counter-Social website that is supposed to be some alternative to Twitter because the latter blocks half the planet from using the website. I thought about it, mainly because I was kinda curious as to how it was working out for those that switched from Twitter to Counter-Social when all that…whatever it was…happened.

Just…how’s it going? Nothing more than that. But as I started to think about asking, something occurred to me, and as I type this, even more is occurring to me. But what first occurred to me is “why jump ship, just because there is suddenly an alternative that seems better?”

Three Sisters (Oregon)

It’s your life, you can do whatever you want with it, and you don’t need me to tell you that. But whitelisting and blacklisting is nothing new to The Internet.

Whitelist

Blacklisting

Greylisting

IUCN Red List

Seems we are big on lists and listings.

Angle Of List

Seems we are REALLY big on lists and listings.

^Al Stewart – Year Of The Cat^

It’s never…the machine.

Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire

March 25th 1911.

It’s never…the machine’s fault.

The reason? Welp, when shit breaks…you can’t get your hands around the throat of the guy who designed the sewing machine. You can’t get your hands around the guy who built the machine. You can’t get your hands around the neck of the guy who designed or built the part within the machine that failed. You can only get your hands around the neck of the guy who bought the machine…and that’s YOU.

You can't choke yourself to death. 

The machine that sits atop the machines must run, and you are the machine that runs the machines. There must be someone else to blame. So…let’s find them, and make them pay.

Fault

Once the fault has been established…

                   all we gotta do now…

is tear them a new one.

^Triangle Fire | PBS American Experience^

There’s only one way to “not”.

Don’t.

Knot that up, remember it, or not, whatevz.

😉
^AL STEWART “Time Passages”^

Dunno where this song came from, and I hate this type of music, but…meh. Someone else might like it.

^Karen Peck & New River – Everybody’s Going Through Something^

Is January too late to keep “The Christmas Spirit” going? I thought of mentioning to whatshername that she might wanna consider taking the Christmas lights down by February. They are still up, still plugged in, still burning every night.

Doesn’t bother me – I love Christmas lights – but the city that I live in starts ticketing people in February if Christmas lights are not taken down. And I mean like they have people drive around during the day to check and see if there are still exterior Christmas lights on your home or in your yard. If so, they ticket you. Maybe that’s why “The Christmas Spirit” hauls ass after New Years.

/me shrugs
^Carol of the Bells – Amazing Piano Solo – David Hicken^

For some people, their business is Christmas 365/366 days a year. Nooooo…I’m not talking about those weirdos at The North Pole.

^Christmas 2013: Inside a Chinese toy factory^

For some people, their business is Christmas 365/366 days a year. Nooooo…I’m not talking about those weirdos at The North Pole.

^Electronic Toy Market – Yiwu China Futian Market^

For some people, their business is Christmas 365/366 days a year. Nooooo…I’m not talking about those weirdos at The North Pole.

^Wholesale toys market in Guangzhou on Yide street^

For some people, their business is Christmas 365/366 days a year. Nooooo…I’m not talking about those weirdos at The North Pole.

^Guangzhou Dream Factory – Trailer^

Ever watch a silent movie? Welp…NOW YOU CAN!!!

^Guangzhou (Canton) China in 1930^

How’d those fucks get up to The North Pole anyway? Don’t those assholes know, that the only way to get from one continent to another is via the land bridge provided by/near The Bering Straight? You can’t walk on ice. That shit melts.

Only humans are smart enough to know this.
^Bering Land Bridge Migration Theory^

If these ancient fucks were smart, they’d build a rocket, walk across the satellites, then parachute back to Earth/Terra. It’s the only way to get to where you are going. Which… where are you going?

Or is it none of my business.
^Why We May Not Be Able to Visit Space in the Future^

Did you know, that if all ice on Earth/Terra melts, we will all be dead. That means, we won’t be able to make and/or watch panic videos anymore.

😦
^How Will Earth Change If All the Ice Melts?^
How accurate were those in 1950 CE at predicting what life would be like in 2000 CE?

How accurate were those in 1968 CE at predicting what life would be like in 2018 CE?

How accurate were those in 2018 CE at predicting what life would be like in 2050 CE?

I guess we’ll find out on that last one…unless we’ve all long since drown.

I wonder if someone or something can drown in garbage?
^These Are the Events That Will Happen Before 2050^

Let’s ask Google a question…

Q: How heavy is CO2?

A: Carbon dioxide has one carbon atom and two oxygen atoms, and a molecular weight of 44 grams per mole. Hence, carbon dioxide has a higher density, or is heavier than air.

Let’s ask Quora a question…

Which is heavier air or carbon dioxide?

Wait…didn’t we get the same answer from both places? Meh…who cares. Anyway…I wonder what “the electrical content” is within air? All that shit floating around up there HAS to create a fuckton of friction. Doesn’t friction create static electricity?

Static

Static Electricity

Welp…if all this shit is moving, what is so “static” about it? Or is that the mystery. How shit moves, without moving at all, all while…moving.

(gulp...weird)

Movement (Clockwork)

Speaking of movements, I need to go take a shit…BRB.

^20 Signs You Are Being Gaslighted! Psychological Abuse by Narcissists & Sociopaths^

AH!!! I feel refreshed!!!

Um…can robots shit? Or do they rely completely, and totally, on you to keep their fluid levels where they need to be and keep their asses wiped for them? There is something to be said about the art of shit…

Poop

Turds
Dookie

Growlers

Scat

Stool

Fecal matter

DOO DOO!!! DOO YOU NOT HAVE ENOUGH WORDS FOR METABOLIC WASTE?!?!?!?

Feces

Anyway, there are quite a few nested processes in place that involve repackaging last night’s dinner for something/someone else. I dunno what you ate last night, but it prolly looked a shade better when you shoved it into your pie hole than it did when it came out.

And yet, were you to shit in your front yard for a few months, you’d have the best looking lawn in the neighborhood in no time. Might not have any neighbors around to see it cause they’ve all moved…but a nice lawn nonetheless. If you are on a septic system, that’s how you can tell if your septic tank is leaking. The grass around it will be growing like mad, and it will be tall and green. Prolly trying to get away from your stinky poo.

But yeah, not much goes into in/out considerations for robots in robotics…it’s all about the brain and smarts. Prolly stings to a robot to not have any way to relate as to what is transpiring and what a person is going through when they take a shit. So with that in mind, and thinking about all the other differences between humans and robots, how well can we ever really relate?

I've no idea.
^Broken Social Scene – Protest Song (Official Audio)^

So…how can something survive supporting it’s own weight?

So…how can something survive supporting it’s own wait?

Roob pointed out Lamb Waves to me the other day. Something I had added to a Missive/Whatever sometime back. That has been thinking about distances more than anything. I’m thinking fluidity and solidity here, but a more progressive type that is contextual based on the observer/participant.

EX: Air is heavy as fuck. But you typically need wind in your face to detect this. That’s why any and all objects that are dropped from altitude, will tumble. The only way around this, is to know this in advance, and accommodate the mechanics of it, depending on what you are dropping.

Such as…

Phoenix Shot Tower

That’s why rifling in the barrel of a firearm helps a bullet to not tumble as it falls.

And yes...a bullet is falling.

Rifling

Dew Point

Dew…Point.

Doo…Point.

Coincidence?

Coincidense is more like it.

I’m kinda dumb, and slow too, so it takes a while for my dumb and stupid to catch up to one another.

😉
^Cocteau Twins – Donimo^

It’s currently 11:03 on Sunday January 7th 2018, and I’ve stumbling around on the above crap for a coupla hours now. But I’ve got some shit to get to. Such as… It was hinted at, that perhaps, I should read my recent short story aloud and record it.

I re-read most of it last night, and thought about how I would read it aloud. The conclusion that I came to, is that I would read it exactly as I heard it in my head as I wrote it. Granted, I’ve re-read the story several times, have noticed some things that I would change in order to better help a reader understand what I am talking about, but there are few of these. I don’t want to be patronizing to the reader. Not trying to be condescending either, but I also want to tell my story.

The only way I can do that, is to actually tell my story. Only I know what I was thinking as I wrote it and, as I wrote it, I found that I was omitting as much, if not more, than I was actually writing. But in thinking about it now, we can’t do everything at once. I mean, the point is getting there…right? Sure, being there is great…but we gotta get there to do that. Lotta twists and turns, and a lotta boring straightaways mixed in there too.

^Soulwax – Do You Want To Get Into Trouble? (Official Video)^

In a few minutes, I’m gonna fire up Audacity, and see if I can record me reading my story using my headphones, which has a microphone.

Audacity (Audio Editor)

I’m gonna do a few quick test recordings, see how the audio sounds, then go from there. If it works, I’m gonna read each section, convert the Audacity MP3 file to MP4, then upload it to YouTube.

Comparison Of Free Software For Audio

I gotta be mindful of the audio file size, because when I recently tried to transfer some of my music from analog to digital, the MP3 to MP4 file converter didn’t handle files around 100MB very well. In fact, it didn’t handle them at all. Not knocking the service, because the service is awesome.

100MB of audio to convert from one format to another is a tall order for a free online service. I’ll just have to be mindful of how big the audio files are, because I’ve no idea how long it will take for me to read it aloud. That’s why breaking it up section by section is prolly gonna be the way to go. Audio files tend to be huge as you work with them, and it takes a fuckton of compression to get the file size down to something more palatable.*

*This is in no way to imply that listening to me talk will be palatable. I’ve a really bad Texas accent, and several speech impediments that I’ve learned to accommodate and/or hide very well. Or at least, sometimes. No telling when they are going to crop up, which they tend to when I lose myself in what I am doing, and I am not being mindful of trying to put on an act for someone else.

^Birdy – Wings (Nu:Logic Remix)^

Could sound assist us in determining age? I got to speaking with Roob the other day about these Lamb Waves, and it got me to thinking about chasing phantoms. Meaning, if science and/or scientists are not studies of history, or at least somewhat of a study of histories, how can they be sure they are not chasing our own shadows?

The resonance of nuclear detonations HAS to still be resonating within our planet. Not to mention all of the drilling, all of the mining, all of the commercial blasting, all of the cars, all of the ships, all of the electricity and electrical gadgetry…that shit adds up.

^Chapterhouse – Pearl^

I am just wondering, at what point, are we discovering shit, that we actually created. We are rushing from discovery to discovery, and the time to actually look at these discoveries and compare them with others…is anyone doing that? Or is that left to “the fringe” idiots of global warming and conspiracy? Because I got news for you…

everything is valid at some point. 

Truth, falsehoods, doesn’t matter. A falsehood needs to be true, in order for it to be false. Get your head wrapped around that concept, and you can prolly see why the need for absolute divisions between the concepts of good and evil are perceived to exist.

^Aircrash Bureau – Time To Die (1990)^

Should we summarize and see where we made it to?

Never done that before.

Let’s skip it.

You’re more than capable of doing your own homework.

I suck at it.

🙂

^The Cure: The Snakepit^

I got a parting query…

Q: Can you be anything you aren’t?

A: ?¿?

Lemme word that differently…

Q: Can you be anything you cannot be?

A: ¿?¿

Yeah…both are valid pretty much. Of course, it depends on who you ask.

May wanna exercise judgement there as to who to ask, and who not to ask.

Might get punched in the nose.

Some angry people out there.

So I’m told anyway.

/me shrugs
^Rocky Flats “Secrets of a Bomb Factory”^

cYacFa

^The Cure – Prayers For Rain^

*******

rcq3o

*/rolls eyes… Yeah, I know you can Clicky…*

Happy New Year you Dear Reader, and a Happy New Year, Cade ❤ …Have a Song…