Twitter buddy Mhehed Zherting sent me a Direct Message last night. “My 15 seconds of fame”.
In the Wail, no less and flagged up on Twitter. Mhehed, always on his toes, had spotted and responded to some first-class fucktwattery on Twitter – a Politically Correct McNanny calling out a non-descript supermarket for stocking a
“They make Gin & Tonic flavoured crisps?!” I replied in wonder, fingers clicking. I’ve never even tasted a G&T in my life, but I had a sudden urge to try it now, and in crisp form. As luck would have it, there’s an Aldi store right next to The Office. I thanked Mhehed and told him I’d check them out and get back to him.
“Have a good day at work tomorrow. Don’t get drunk on Aldi’s crisps. CYL”. He’s so sweet, my twinkle toes, Mhehed.
This morning I forewent my smoke break in order to hunt down the irresponsible crisps. And as I stood forlornly in front of the meager selection of potato snacks at local Aldi. I was wishing I’d just gone for a fag instead.
“Psst.” A short chap with more hair on his chin than on his head approached me from behind. “Are you looking for the Gin & Tonic crisps?” He subtly shifted a frozen meat feast pizza on the top of his basket to reveal three packets of the sought after (and probably soon to be banned) snack.
“Yes! Where can I find them?” Elation, closely followed by the Second Thought: are those the only packets, and could I persuade him to share? “Are those the last ones?”. I noticed his substantial wife nearby clean and jerking boxes of lager into a trolley and decided not to risk a lip tremble.
He didn’t give me his crisps. “I’ll show you,” he said instead. So off we sidled to the center aisle, to a huge wire basket housing ‘Gourmet, Hand-Cooked’ crisps. But the only flavour it offered was ‘Camembert and Caramelised Onion’. They looked nice; I decided to get a packet of those, but they weren’t what I came in for. I rummaged through the top layers, coming up empty. Was I to be thwarted after all?
Again, my helpful stranger decided to assist and delved head first in for me. He eventually surfaced, after much waggling of feet, with an elusive packet of Gin & Tonic crisps clasped in his hand. Success! I thanked him, shook his hand and asked him his name.
“Steve”. Ah, another Thoughtful Man.
Okay, I did have a cigarette before I returned to The Office. But I never take a lunch break anyway.
Once back, I decided to find out if these potentially dangerous crisps really do taste like gin and tonic, and whether they have an intoxicating effect. If these were as harmful as PC McNanny was suggesting they could be in her tweet, I had better canvas some adult opinion. So that I could responsibly take what was left home to my house, containing two impressionable teenage boys, with hollow legs.
I decided to draw up some questions, set out two bowls and put out a plea for help from my Office co-workers…
Free food usually grabs their attention 😉
I was fairly certain that cheese and onion (caramelised or not) wouldn’t get anyone drunk, so they would be sampled, too. And a cheese and onion crisp might soak up any alcohol if the first G&T sample proved too potent.
Four questions per bowl were asked;
- Taste exactly like?
- Do you feel drunk?
For half and hour or so, my usually quiet side of the Office filled with the noise of crunching, munching and considered opinions. Not only desk jockeys; the workmen renovating our toilets chipped in with their valued opinions also. In all, 29 people on the third floor of the building were surveyed, and spent the rest of the afternoon picking their teeth. The results, below, include 3 more – Thoughtful Man, Lupus and Kitler:
- 32 people tried the Gin &Tonic (G&T) crisps (30 adults, 2 children)
- 30 people tried the Camembert & Caramelised Onion (C&CO) crisps (28 adults, 2 children – the veggie declined because they didn’t meet her dietary requirements, and another because he was meeting clients later and didn’t want his breath to smell.)
- G&T Like: 15
- G&T Dislike: 11
- G&T Neither like or dislike: 6
- C&CO Like: 20
- C&CO Dislike: 7
- C&CO Neither like or dislike: 3
- Tasted like G&T: 32 No (suggestions included:- lime (10), lemon (8), citrus (2) tonic (2), tonic & lime (1), spirit (2), sugar (1), cardboard (1), nothing (2))
- Tasted like C&CO: 14 Yes and 16 No (suggestions included:- onion (5), cheese (7), Quavers (3), foot (1))
- Do you feel drunk on G&T?: 32 No
- Do you feel drunk on C&CO?: 32 No (including two “Mum!”)
Make of it all what you will. It’s what the Experts do 😉
Clicky, I need a Song… oh, you’ve already got it.