Welcome, Dear Reader, to Easter at the LoL…
*Wait… /rubs eyes… didn’t we start yesterday’s post with that tweet from Cade, Clicky?*
*Ah, okay. Thanks, Clicky…/pats snout… Gotcha…*
Today we are delighted to be able to present for you one of Cade’s stories from the latest Underdog Anthology, ‘Transgenre Dreams’. Enjoy! ❤
by Cade F.O.N. Apollyon
The days have lost their darkness. Like all of the seasons, Spring brings many of its own wonders. Some we like, some we don’t. Some we notice, others…not so much. One of the wonders that Spring brings, at least in this part of the world, is the erasure of the embedded darkness in the days.
Many seem not to notice, but it is there. A hazy, embedded darkness in each and every Winter day, that keeps Sol’s heat at bay so that Winter can do her work. Spring carries a key to releasing the grip of this Winter darkness. It usually happens over the span of a single day in late Winter, each year, and for those who are looking, it is very easy to see.
Today’s date is the 22nd of March in the year 2019 CE, and by my own accounting, the darkness first started to be released a week or so ago. You can tell, because the shade of the sky is…different. Brighter at a certain time of the day than it was at or around the same time on the previous day. That embedded darkness will not return until Fall and Winter return. And, there will be several more increases in the light over the coming months. The brightness will reach its peaks in the months of July and August; the months in which here, the temperature will usually rise to oppressive levels. Day after day of a sweltering and inescapable heat. No embedded darkness to shield us.
Why am I writing about all of this darkness and light business, you might ask? Perhaps you are one who enjoys seeing wonders, and never knew that such a thing even existed. This phenomenon of a change in the sky’s opacity and luminescence is not something that you can actually sit, wait and watch to happen. You just need to be mindful of it. If you watch the sky enough, you can train yourself to notice variations in the shades and colors of the skies.
Today, I am sitting out back, banging away on the laptop, and thinking about the sky I am currently seeing. Thinking about the skies I’ve seen. Comparing those skies in my mind to what I am actually seeing in real time. All the while, taking some notes.
It occurs to me to suggest that this darkness phenomenon is akin to seeing the sky go dark, then turn light again during a solar eclipse. Winter brings an embedded darkness to our days, ands Spring bri…woah!
Apologies for the interruption, but something just flew in front of the Sun; a plane I’m guessing. There was that rapid change in the Sun’s brightness that lasted for but a fraction of a second. I suppose my heart is beating so fast and my mind racing because I am, ironically, writing on just this very topic.
Um…it just happened again. That blip of a rapid change in the Sun’s brightness, and it happened in less than a minute after the previous. I know a bit about aviation, so I know enough to know that aircraft are spaced further apart than that. A bird perhaps? Circling vultures or some large bird of prey? They are quite common here. Busy airways in this area, so there are many possibilities at this point.
There is a high, thin layer of cloud today, but the Sun is still very bright, and plenty of blue sky. I only mention this because that blip just happened for a third time, then almost immediately a fourth. I see no planes, I hear no planes, I see no birds. Of course I am stopping my typing occasionally to observe, and I know that I am somewhat straying off topic, but this whatever it turns out to be is interesting to me. I have observed this phenomenon many times before, but never with this frequency. Not even close.
It is still happening, and I’ve now lost count of how many times it has happened. I cannot look directly at the sun, but I certainly cannot see anything on the perimeter of the Sun’s disk that might be causing this. The frequency is too often. Something very odd happening here. Almost like someone waving their hand rapidly in front of the light bulb on a lamp. But in this case, I cannot actually see what is causing the Sun to be blotted temporarily.
My heart is beating out of my chest as I write this. The frequency and duration have both dramatically increased, and I suddenly feel I’m at some weird daytime Rave. I’ve experienced some weird shit in my life, but this is completely fucking new.
WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK!!!
I CANNOT BELIEVE WHAT I AM SEEING!!!
Gotta stop writing.
Be right back…I hope.
I just had…the weirdest fucking conversation…that I have ever had in my entire life.
Um…give me a second to get my bearings so that I can accurately relate the completely fucked up shit that just happened to me. My heart is pumping hard in my chest again, but it’s only because I’m trying to figure out what in the fuck to do at this point. How to try and grasp the meaning of what happened and how to relate it. Perhaps even if I should. If so, to whom?
OK…I’ve already dismissed the urge to contact MUFON and file a report. Police? Not a fucking chance. The military? Yeah right. A friend? Fuck no…I have no friends, not for something like this. Local government? NASA? Ghostbusters? Who in the fuck do you call? What do you do?
This is something, that in all my years of watching Bigfoot, UFO and other weird documentaries, I have never considered before now. Now what? You wanted the experience, you got it, now what?
The fucker is now gone, but as you may have guessed, yes, I just saw a goddamn UFO. I’ve seen plenty of UFOs in my lifetime, but there are only a very few of my own personal sightings that I cannot explain. This fucker, just landed in my back yard, no bullshit. I seem to be able to explain this one just fine…or maybe not. Digress.
I’m sitting outside in one these fucked up sun-chaser outdoor recliners, typing all that bullshit above about the sky changing, then all that weird crap started happening. I stopped writing when I finally saw what was dancing all wiggly in front of the sun and causing that rapid “micro-shade” or whatever it might be called. Just when I thought I was going to have a seizure from all that flashing, this purple and green…ship…came into full view. It descended down from right above me, and plopped itself down in this tiny-assed backyard of mine.
Weird, because the fucker looked HUGE in the sky, but the closer it got to the ground, the smaller it got. No idea how it fitted in this tiny yard. Made no sense whatsoever, and I don’t want to speculate about the shrinking and growing possibilities at this particular junction. None of this shit makes any sense. Least of all…that totally bizarre and completely fucked up exchange between…us. I have no idea what that was. But yes…us.
I am sitting here, hands shaking, trying to get my head wrapped around all this crap, what to tell and how. But holy SHIT…all I can think about is that conversation I just had. Yes, an “alien” got out of their spaceship, and they fucking talked to me.
You know what? Fuck this noise. I’m gonna play transcriptionist here, and try my best to make an accurate record of the conversation while it is still fresh in my mind.
My mind…my fucking mind.
Jesus H. Christ…where in the fuck is my fucking mind right now?
Alien: Where is your mating orifice!?
NOTE: I said nothing of course. But if ever in my life there was cartoon bubble containing question marks floating over my head, it was precisely at this exact moment in time.
Alien: Do you speak?
Me: Yes, I speak.
Alien: Then you likely also have the capacity to hear. Where is your mating orifice!?
Me: Um…I don’t have a mating orifice…that I am aware of.
Alien: All beings having mating orifices! Where is yours!?
Me: At work?
Alien: At work. Ah, so it is already currently active in a utilization sequence?
Me: No, not that I’m aware of. It better not be anyway.
Alien: Is your culture one that speaks only in riddles?
Me: Not…always, no.
Alien: Then explain how your mating orifice can be in an active utilization sequence when you do not know where it is located!
Me: I was thinking of my girlfriend.
Alien: You think of others while your mating orifice is in use?
Me: No, I don’t think of…wait. I, do not have a mating orifice. I think my girlfriend does though.
NOTE: It was at this point in which I realized, that my childish desire to please had suddenly taken a turn. Am I, completely by accident, about to inadvertently pimp out my girlfriend to an alien?
Alien: I have traveled the length and breadth of the great void and seen its many wonders, and I tell you, that I have never encountered a being that does not have a mating orifice! Where is yours!?
Me: And I’m telling you, that I’m pretty sure to an accuracy of almost 100%, that I do not have a mating orifice. I was simply thinking that I may know where one is.
Alien: Where is it? And why it is there and not here!?
Me: My girlfriend. Your unusual request initially made me think of my girlfriend. She’s at work.
Alien: This girlfriend has a mating orifice?
Me: Maybe. Before I came to my senses, it had occurred to me to perhaps call her.
Me: Yes, her. I’d thought to call her.
Me: My girlfriend.
Me: On the phone.
Me: At her job.
“Me: My girlfriend, she’s at work, I’d have to call her, on the phone, at her job, to verify the mating orifice…status.”
Alien: WHY ARE THERE SO MANY INTERMEDIARIES BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR MATING ORIFICE!!!
Me: Now that I think of it, that’s a damn good question.
Alien: If this query is in fact good, why have you not obtained an answer to it!?
Me: That’s an even better question.
Alien: Where do you currently stand in your quest to obtain these answers!?
Me: Your questions keep getting better and better. Keep this line of questioning up, and you could probably rule this planet in the span of a week if you wanted.
Alien: I have no desire to rule your planet! I seek a mating orifice!!
Me: If anything, that’s one point we both seem to be clear on.
Alien: You are trying to deceive me with your riddles in order to hide your mating orifice?! Immediately remove your veils for verification!!
NOTE: Now, I admit that I’d been sitting outside in the sun, nothing on but a t-shirt and jogging shorts, not wearing any underwear, and it occurred to me that it would be real fucking simple to answer a whole lot of questions and possibly solve a lot mysteries if I were to simply pull my shorts down posthaste and forthwith. But there was no fucking way that I was going to drop-trou just because some alien shows up, looking to get laid, all whilst experiencing some gender confusion in this particular quadrant of the galaxy, then demands that I present my junk for their inspection. And so, at the speed of light I might add, that’s exactly what I did.
Alien: Ah, I see. Not very well, but I do see. You are Pleggbah. Equipped with doingy doinger…like Muuk!
Me: If there is a God, I pray to them now, that you are Muuk?
Alien: I am Muuk…The Pleaser.
Me: Pleased…er sorry, to meet you…Muuk…The Pleaser. I’m not sorry to meet you, was just going to say “pleased to meet you” and kinda got tripped up.
Alien: A simple “greetings” would have sufficed in this exchange.
Me: Noted protocol for future reference. My name is Phillip. You may call me Phil if you like.
Alien: Phillip called Phil, you are in fact not equipped with doingy doinger like Muuk.
Me: I’m continuing to make mental notes of the pertinent details whilst dealing with the flood of data. Some contextual clues are beginning to form some pictures for me though.
Alien: While making notes, do not again use subversion to covertly ask Muuk about the existence of God.
Me: Noted…no religion, and I’m guessing no politics either?
Alien: Guess all you care to! Met God once or twice. Unpleasant type. No sense of humor.
Me: That revelation would not surprise me in the least were it not for the bullshit that is currently going down right here and now.
Alien: Going down like veils that previously concealed Phillip Phil’s doingy doinger?
Me: Among other things.
Alien: Save your existential riddles for your institutions of higher learning!
Me: Will do. And, for the sake of clarity, a “doingy doinger”, I’m guessing, is in fact this thing right here between my legs that I’m about to go to jail for unleashing in public even though I’m in my own back yard?
Alien: Correct. Muuk has many doingy doingers.
Me: Ironically, I sense a monologue in my very near future. With no pun intended there.
Alien: Many mating orifices exist in the void. Many dimensions to cover, many needs, much work, and there is only one Muuk. One Muuk has many doingy doingers for many occasions.
Me: You have many of these things? And before you respond, I’m going to take what you tell me as gospel truth at your word. I don’t require visual confirmation of any kind whatsoever, even though I admit that a video camera would come in really fucking handy at this precise moment for all kinds of reasons.
Alien: Muuk, known as The Pleaser, evolved many a doingy doinger over many cycles of time to please many a mating orifice through the ages.
Me: I could see where that might come in handy for the right… Pleggbah? I think it was?
Alien: Being with doingy doinger is Pleggbah. Muuk is Pleggbah. Phil…is…slightly above the curve according to initial rough estimates.
Me: I’m going to sleep the sleep of angels tonight in that knowledge.
Alien: Muuk has utilized my ship’s surveillance units during conversational exchange to take the dimensions of your doingy doinger. Will craft duplicate. May come in handy for Muuk.
Me: My dimensions sometimes come in handy for me.
Alien: Muuk may encounter being that desires displeasure or dissatisfaction.
Me: Thanks for that exclamation point on the matter.
Alien: My pleasure. Hararar rarah! That was humor since pleasure will be Muuk’s.
Me: You laugh at your own jokes. I have that problem too.
Alien: Laugh at own jokes is only problem Muuk have. Phil have Muuk at numerical disadvantage in the category of problems to have.
Me: That sleep of angels coming tonight will be haunted by nightmares of demons shitting on every second of it.
Alien: Displeasure is need like any other.
Me: I’ll spend the rest of my days knowing an exact replica dick of mine is causing displeasure and dissatisfaction all over the Universe.
Alien: Everywhere but here.
Alien: Everywhere but here…Phil.
Alien: Utilization. Proper utilization of available supplies or components. Old universal parable… ”It is not the dimensions of the craft, but the vectors of the matter.”
Me: We sorta have that same saying here… “It’s not the size of the ship, but the motion of the ocean”.
Alien: You say tomato, I say vincherapine.
Me: I guess I can relate to that…somewhat…eventually perhaps. Maybe after some heavy cycles of Thorazine and Quaalude therapy.
Alien: You will recover without medication cycles. Take your time.
Me: Another note to make in what is now likely to be my psychiatric journal.
Alien: I must go, and now.
Me: So soon?
Alien: No mating orifices to be found here.
Me: Well, there actually are some to be found here. You just need take your time. Maybe heed some of your own advice?
Alien: Noted. Farewell Phillip called Phil.
Me: See you around Muuk.
Alien: It is assured you will see me again.
Me: Great. I mean, yeah. Great.
Alien: Muuk serious. Will return.
Alien: Yes. Someday, Muuk The Pleaser will return to Phillip. But not for Philip. As in…
Me: I think I get the gist Muuk.
Alien: Going now. Be back later.
Me: In that case, I’ll see you when I see you. Travel well Muuk…be safe.
Alien: Will try. Earth orbit treacherous. Much junk. Many debris. Approach and departure risky.
Me: We’re actually working on that, believe it or not.
Alien: Stay on it. Outlook currently grim. Now, Muuk go get lost in void. Find orifices to please.
Me: Later Muuk. Good luck with the ladies.
Alien: And Phil, retract your garment to its original configuration and/or placement.
And so, that’s it. I just had an honest to God, UFO + extra-terrestrial close encounter of the you-gotta-be-shitting-me kind. In my own yard. In the broad daylight.
I was left standing there in my backyard, mouth agape, shorts down. Wondering what chance there was that a video of this event was going to somehow materialize and wind up on the Internet, and if so, what I would think about that. I just had the most bizarre exchange of my life in a “what the fuck” moment of epic proportions, involving an alien being of some kind who I guess was looking to get laid.
I pulled my shorts up, watched this weird looking spacecraft lift-off into space from my backyard, and started to contemplate the weird fucker named Muuk who was piloting it. A space cowboy with a bunch of penises. Then I sat down, grabbed the laptop, and I’ve been at it ever since.
Thinking about it now, my penis has multiple dimensions…sorta. Something like multiple penises, except in a single package. It get’s bigger, it gets smaller, lots of dimensions between here and there. Interesting. Digress.
I do wonder if he and his fabled many doingy doingers will actually be back. Not that I care about the bouncy bits. Hell, they may not even exist. I didn’t see a doingy doinger, let alone many. Maybe he was some interstellar perv pulling some intergalactic prank for some channel on the Milky Way’s version of YouTube? Fuck. I feel like a complete dunce all of sudden.
At least I didn’t get the “industry standard” type probing.
Just gave an alien the full Monty in the Spring sunshine.
Full frontal nudity.
Or thereabouts, in my case.