Category: EU

Sex Ed Up… Wicked Dipper

Today the LoL brings the tale of when Two Be Cums One…

*Okay strange, dolphin-like sidekick of mine, cue Song.*

*Spicy! Ready, Clicky?  /clears throat…*

‘A secondary school in Southend has come under fire after it announced a new initiative to combine sexual education with politics.’

*Combining sex and politics… that’s bound to end well, Clicky… /rolls eyes… Come on, hit us with it.*

Dont Pull Out

*An EU flag covered in spunky handwriting? Oh, this is gonna be good… /cough*

‘A number of outraged parents have already threatened to remove their children.’

Doh

The headteacher at Southchurch Academy Grammar School, a mixed-sex school for ages 11-18 with sixth form facilities, believes that the so-called ‘Don’t Pull Out’ campaign will combine two key messages: that ‘pulling out’ isn’t a safe alternative to wearing a condom, and also that the UK should remain in the EU.

*Holy fuck! At last, Clicky! I can see the point of Steve Bell*

650

*What is it, five, six years I’ve waited to see something funny in his ‘Cameron Condom’ cartoons… beyond the obvious – Dave the Rave’s a knob head. Talk about a slow burner.*

 

“Teenage pregnancy rates have never been higher in Essex, and so by encouraging pupils aged 11 and over to steer clear of pulling out, an incredibly dangerous and ineffective form of contraception, we can hopefully drive these numbers down. Also, this is an ideal opportunity to let them know the dangers of the UK pulling out of the European Union, and our senior managers have spent many hours writing a joint curriculum for sex education and political studies that combines these two subjects in a groundbreaking manner.“

*Ah, teaching. Getting paid to be a political activist… No, hang on, Southend Academy Grammar School? I don’t think I know that one…/thinks…

What’s the headteacher’s name? /scans down… Oh, you’ll love this, Clicky. Okay, first word…*

sir

*/hits nose. Second word, sounds like a fish…*

 

marlin
Click for sounds like

 

 

*/hits nose… You’re too good at this Clicky. Third word, then…

Hey Stella
Clicky for stella answer

*/sigh… Too easy for you, boy.*

Head Sir Marlon Dipper continued: ‘Right away, every student in the school will get an information pack with condoms that have the iconic and magnificent EU flag on the wrapper, and these are presented inside a leaflet that explains how leaving the union could damage businesses and drive other cultures and languages away from the UK.’

*’Magnificent EU flag’?! Hmm… /wink*

However, a number of parents have complained. Michael Spooge has a daughter in Year 7, and he said: ‘This is a disgraceful way to educate our children. They should be left to make up their own mind about our nation’s future in Europe, and in any case an 11-year-old girl doesn’t even need to think about this kind of thing at her age.’

*Spooge? A typo, Clicky?*

Spongebob

*/Squints*

There has been a similarly negative reaction from local sexual health awareness groups, with one campaigner Millie Wick threatening to distribute 10,000 Union Jack condoms to South Essex teens through the main GUM clinic in Southend Town Centre.

*/stiffles giggle…*

dip one’s wick

verb phrase

To insert one’s penis; do the sex act; screw: You dipped your wick just like the rest of them (late 1800s+)

*Clicky! Pull out, pull out!! It’s a parody site…*

*I’ll get the first aid kit… /sighs… If it’s any consolation, Click, I thought it was all too plausible true as well… until I couldn’t place the school.

/Dabs wounds tentatively… Have a Song*

Wales with Laughter

“Have you seen this?” Thoughtful Man handed a small fat book. Something had tickled him; there were tears in his eyes.

Passport to the EU

“‘Passport to the European Union’? Where did you get this?” I turned the cover to read ‘This is not a travel document!’. I felt the ‘Duh!’ on my lips.

Thoughtful Man grabbed it back, eager to get me to the right place. “It’s Kit’s. He was given it at Junior school. I found it in the drawer. Dated 2012, so probably for the Olympics.” He thumbed through the pages. “Look, start here at the UK and read the famous people listed.”

UK

“David Beckham, Paul McCartney and William Shakespeare. Okay?” I looked up expectantly.

“There are separate entries for England, Scotland, Northern Ireland and Wales, too. England’s next.” He flipped the page.

England

I could see the amusement on Thoughtful Man’s face but couldn’t figure out the reason. “Newton, Rowling and Foster. Scientist, author and architect. That’s a good mix. What’s so funny?”

He winked. “Now Scotland.”

I turned the page.

Scotland

“Wait.” He hugged the book to his chest and skipped a page. “Now Northern Ireland,” he said, handing the book back to me.

Norn Iron

His obvious mirth was infectious and I started smiling though I didn’t really know why. “Now,” he intoned gravely, “guess which famous people they listed for Wales.”

“Dunno. Dylan Thomas. Richard Burton. Bertrand Russell?” My eyes skipped down to the page.

Wales

“Fireman Sam!” Thoughtful Man could contain the laughter no more and out it bellowed. “Only Fireman Fucking Sam.”

“Only Huw Fucking Edwards! Double whammy!” I could feel the crow’s feet dig into the plumpness of my cheeks, drawing them up tight to make room for the grin that engulfed the the lower half of my face.

“If I were Welsh, I’d be furious. Fireman Sam?” Thoughtful Man shook his head. “Ha. I wonder who they listed for Germany.” He wandered off, book in hand.

Oh hello, Clicky, I forgot you were there. Have a Song…